A Note from the Deputy Commish
Welcome everyone to championship week! At this point, phony is all but wrapped up with Zack falling to 0-2 in the phony bracket. He would need to beat Shrooms this week, and then to overcome the PF tiebreaker over the loser of the Bose/Jackson matchup, which is approximately 75 and 220 points respectively. Big dog clown.

Best of luck to both John and Ali, and Shrooms in the hypothetical 3rd place game. In the spirit of the championship week, both finalists have recorded their respective reflections of their season, and a championship preview. Enjoy!

Championship Week Preview – Even Stevenson’s

Championship Week Preview – Dr. Spots Acid Trip

Season-Long PF Tiebreaker After 16 Weeks:

Ali – 1887.96
Shrooms – 1873.22
Strohl – 1834.64




Jackson – 1769.24


Bellott – 1624.38
Zack – 1549.90

Scoreboard

Big Brain Bose WeekLy Recap

imma come clean

Boy oh boy do we have an electric factory of a championship week ahead of us. Not only do we have the (likely) chance to see someone go from first to worst for the first time (sorry Big Dog), but we also have the chance to watch someone go from worst. to first. In the same damn season no less.

How you may ask? Well, the Bummissioner of #ThisLeague, the one formerly known as Dr. Spots, went from the outhouse to knocking on the door of the penthouse, looking to finally smash the glass ceiling if he gets inside the penthouse known as the Champion’s Suite. To this point, Dr. Bummish has always been the bridesmaid and never the bride. This is his third Big Brain Bowl appearance, his brain coming up small in Big Brain Bowls V and VIII, in 2018 and 2021 respectively.

With a win, his record of 1-2 in Big Brain Bowls is a very impressive resume. A loss? Well… at 0-3 he’s the Broncos of the late 80s, and well within striking distance of the Vikings of the late 60s-early 70s. Not where you wanna be. He’s already being compared to the Falcons, which is bad enough anyway.

You’re probably wondering who his opponents were in these crushing defeats. In 2018 he fell to Strohl like a rock in water, and that dragon was slayed in the playoffs this year. In 2021? It was none other than Boris Durke. Who himself is looking to go 2-1 in Big Brain Bowls, and join the pantheon of greats in the history of #ThisLeague that wear two rings. Strohl of course being 2-1 (with a Phony so maybe it’s 1-1?) and of course the Oracle with a 2-0 record. What a good-looking inaugural Hall of Fame class that holy trinity would make.

1320 is set to explode with this matchup, and reports are that Tommy Toes is already running for the hills and is halfway to West Conshy by now. With King Phony all but set and no 5Ks appearing to convert to the Church of Ooga Booga, all eyes are on Big Brain Bowl X. For some, it appears the GroupMe lashing out is a sign of the pressure already setting in. For others, we’re just here to enjoy the show. It’s a dog eat dog world and we’re all wearing bacon pants after all.

Right Big Dog?

Dr. StooL’s Way-Too-Early 2024 Phony Odds Diagnosis

:*The bookmakers have removed 2023 phony odds from the website. Zack is now what those in the industry call a “shoebox bet” to be phony (that is: you take your shoebox full of money down to the window, tell the man you want to put it all on Clown Z to wear the Clown Crown, come back a few days later and you’ve made slightly better ROI than you would by keeping that money in low yield savings account – this should not be construed as investment advice). So I have decided to look at potential keepers, as well as previous draft history, to determine my Way-Too-Early Phony odds for 2024. I know you might think it’s ridiculous, but with the amount of future mocks for kids who still have to have their mom drop them off at the school dance, this will definitely not be the least accurate list of all time on the #interwebs.*

+450 – Good Enough For Me – I have a mental health diagnosis (that I am clearly the most qualified to member of this league to provide) for Ooga Booga. He has delusion disorder: That’s right – Jack wasted his #2 pick last year on Austin Ekeler because Jack is living in 2015. My friends, the time of the RB is dead. Sure, there will be the occasional CMC and JT taken in the first round and leading the league in rushing, but I fear that these are the exceptions, not the rule. My guess is that one of his 5 old bummingbacks will be his keeper and that is not good vaLue in a fantasy league where eLite pass catchers are the path to avoiding the Phony Pit! Send in the Clowns!

+600 – Trade God Dan – While Dan cobbled a team together this year via trades and the Waiver Wire, his outlook was very bleak in the early stages of the season due to a poor draft. His habit is currently: Draft young players who haven’t proven anything (especially Nits) earlier in the draft than they should probably go. As a Penn State homer and former “Galaxy Brain” myself, I can tell you this is not a good combination. It probably has something to do with the dynasty league material Dan reads for his other leagues. Anyway, Dan’s keeper will almost assuredly be CMC, which is good, but he is kind of going on two full years without an injury, and you know what that means! UnLucky! 

+650 – Stink, Stank, Stunk – I will be the first to admit that I love vaLue, and fortunately Mr. Bellott has plenty of it on his team. But Bellott has a strange combination of Jack and Dan’s draft habits. That combination with the fact that Garrett Wilson will likely be a 5-6 round keeper next year (almost too much vaLue to resist!) and his season will likely depend on the natural healing remedies employed by Ayahuasca Man himself, Mr. Rodgers, our resident Michigan fan is a sneaky bet to the next member of the Disdane Clown Posse. 

Dr. StooL, MD, PG, CSW

Scoreboard

Big Brain Bose WeekLy Recap

This week yours truly regressed back to my norm, aka scoring less than 100 points. However it was against gypsy man aLi, who no one scores 100 against, so honestly my team could still be back! (Its not). This week will be more of the same.

Jack finally snapped his losing streak and Ltom has a one way ticket to the phony bracket. This week we get the battLe of the bums with Ltom vs Bose. Will this be a preview of the Lpats vs the Lmen??

CJ (best team) once again had a great week and was the highest scorer. Our bud Shroomies got a taste of his own medicine going up against 145 points. Regardless, both of these teams are pretty much a lock for playoffs.

Dan put up a good effort against strohL but can’t escape his destiny. Meanwhile strohL must have learned some of aLi’s gypsy magic because his PA is also very sus.

Zack had a real tough loss against John this week. 120 points wasn’t enough to do it this week and that hurts when you’re at the bottom of the standings. Don’t worry bud, Dan and I are coming to keep you company.

Lost in the MF Sauce

Players to Watch

imma come clean

Well fellas we’ve reached THAT point in the season. Injuries have been here, I don’t need to tell you that, but what’s also here is we have arrived to the thick of bye weeks. It couldn’t have come at a juicier time considering the logjam at the bottom of the standings and the cream at the top.

With this being the case though, don’t be surprised if trading comes screeching to a halt. Now normally, trading is tough because by this point nobody in #ThisLeague trusts anybody. Now, you add on the fact that literally everybody’s starting second flex this week is objectively hilarious, and it looks like everyone is keen to just sit back and hope for the best.

You also can’t help but notice #ThisLeague is suddenly devoid of gangsters at the moment. Funny how that goes.

But it is ok! The contenders for Big Brain Bowl X are starting to emerge, the tons of fun Phony bracket is starting to take shape, and a couple teams have declared they’re #back. Just like the Longhorns.

So get ready to hook ’em in the groupme gentlemen. The shit talking is about to reach new heights (or depths) in the coming weeks. Toxic City populations bums.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Upcoming Schedule

Dr. StooL’s Week 8 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+225 – Bose – Sometimes a doctor knows there’s not much more he can do except keep a patient comfortable. Bellott is one of those patients. He will have good days; he will have bad days from here until the end. Come Week 15 the chickens of a team poorly drafted will come home to roost. Normally I would prescribe morphine for a patient like this – but Bellz may choose a greener option to tolerate the rest of the season. 

+300 – Candy Man Dan – “The memories of how we did it will fade, and all we’ll remember is that we won the war.” You may say: Jeez, StooL is a learned man (with all those letters behind his name), that quote must be from a famous military strategist like Sun Tzu, Patton, or Winston Churchill. All wrong. I made that quote up right now sitting on my couch thinking about what happened earlier this week. And no I’m not referring to me snatching victory from the Jaws of defeat on Monday night.  I’m referring to the rat bastard kid that stole Dan’s candy. Sure, she got caught, but did she put any back? I don’t think so. Dan will lose again this week without Amon Ra and CMC. 

+350 – Champ Z – Currently at the bottom looking up, The Flushies have scored more points than the two aforementioned phony bracket contenders. HM Ltom avoids this list by mere PF decimals and that “3” in the win column. Zack’s a lock for the phony bracket but I consider him Bran Stark through season 5 of Game of Thrones. I’d bet my life on him not being King…I really should finish the last season of that I guess. 

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 8 Jack Slept in Again

Come back next week. Ooga is sleeping. 

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

League Transactions

Scoreboard

Big Brain Bose WeekLy Recap

Bose got pulled out another lucky win against L boy Jack. All it took was a Monty injury and garbage time for Gibbs to wake up. Jack is currently on a 5 game losing streak with no end in sight. At least Jack was able to offload some of his bums to LphonyJ.

aLi lost to CJ and now understands why CJ is Bose’s top ranked team. aLi needs a bounce back this week against Bose to retain his “best team” status.

Tom had a good week this week against Dan! He finally exceeded his projected points for the first time this season. Dan had a lucky streak for a couple weeks that looks like it’s coming to an end. Dan and Tom are both 3-4, this will be a big week for both of them.

Shroomies returned to his roller coaster building this week with another big showing against LphonyJ Spots. John has been a little unLucky! this year and the panic is starting to set in. TradeMasterJ was making moves after his loss this week.

StrohL was the highest scoring team this week. He was playing the lowest scoring team in Zack so it was kinda irrelevant other than the cash he got. He’s got Dan this week and is the highest projected score for the whole season so far, so it’ll probably be another bLood bath.

Lost in the MF Sauce

Hmph. Should have written his 2 sentence Lcommissioner Lcorner instead!

Players to Watch

imma come clean

They say that water always finds its level. That’s true in both the reality of football and the fantasy of football. We were so graciously told that last week was opposite week so we can just act like Fabolous and throw it in the bag.

In the NFL, the fun in the sun Miami Dolphins offense was suffocated by a Philadelphia Eagles defense all of a sudden rounding into form, which some say might just be legit. Meanwhile, the 40-WHINERS (rofl) got carved up by primetime Kirk without Jettas to drop two straight, and all of a sudden the Eagles and Chefs have the best records in football.

For #ThisLeague, the cream is rising to the top since at the end of the day cash rules everything around us while the race for Phony is starting to take shape.

As such, trade season seems to be ramping up as bums try not to bum, while some teams at the top try to stay there with trades, even if they may be a bit… unnecessary?
Anyhoo, the meat and potatoes of the season is here, and while the water is at its level for now, calm waves don’t make good sailors gentlemen. Put your anchors away. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Upcoming Schedule

Dr. StooL’s Week 7 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+245 – Dr. Spots – The weather is cooling, the leaves are turning, and you know what that means…. It’s officially TradeMasterJSnz. The reigning King Phony is pushing all his chips in to retain his crown. He gifted the man with no WRs an actual WR thereby elevating Ooga Booga off this list. I’ll say it: Dr. “I really needed a tightend guys” is gonna need to really to tighten(d) up those clown shoes for a 5K.

+310 – Champ Z – There has been some talk about members of this league running for president of the good ol’ US and A. And while I think others may have good attributes for the job, I really think Biden could learn a thing or two from Zack. Most importantly, knowing when you are on the downhill and a shell of your former self, especially before your second term on top. We are looking at “Champ Z” transitioning to “Chomp Z” at his local 24-hour waffle serving establishment of choice.

+440 – Eternal Optimist Dan – The Nits look horrible, he’s last in PF, no one listens to his instructions on suicide leagues, and somehow he finds it within himself to get up every morning and be an optimistic light in the world. Unfortunately for Daniel, here on earth his team stinks, he won’t make a trade with me to help his team (he still thinks he can avoid the phony bracket as-is), and he is one fully torn oblique muscle away from being minus odds for phony. A request: Mr. Danimal, set your over/under time for running a 5k in clown shoes. I will take the over, because whatever line you set will be inherently optimistic!

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 6

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 7 John got fLeeced again Edition

Happy Friday feLLas & welcome to the newest installment of “John Got fLeeced!” Right when we thought it couldn’t get worse after Dr. Lphonybum traded away Achane for two useLess handcuffs… he trades for a useLess SF tight end, who coincidentaLLy catches baLLs from his favorite QB B ROCK! Deebo AND Kittle on the same Lsquad? Poor guy has no idea he is COOKed & on track to defend his Lphony title. BeLLs there’s hope for you after all bud. 

Not only is this installment dedicated to our Lbud, it’s also featuring a shit load of new props & parlays for all you phony buds to feast on! Let’s win all the fuckin money!! OogAyuH!

HOOVER HOLE

AJ Brown @ WSH:

Anytime TD (+110)

100 Rec Yards (+124)

Terry McLauren (thx LphonyBud) vs PHI:

o58.5 Rec Yards (-114)

George Pickens 80 Rec Yards (+210) vs JAX

Alvin Kamara @ IND:

Anytime TD (+105)

o5.5 receptions (+116)

Rushing + Receiving o92.5 (+116)

Tyreek Hill vs NE:

Anytime TD (-140) 

100+ Rec Yards (+104); Parlay (+179)

110+ Rec Yards (+148); Parlay (+221)

125+ Rec Yards (+230); Parlay (+304)

Adam Thielen vs HOU:

o63.5 Rec Yards (-114)

o5.5 Receptions (-148)

First TD Scorer:

Christian Kirk @ PIT (+1000)

Cooper Kupp @ DAL (+1000) 

Dallas Goedert @ WSH (+1200)

Three TD Parlay: (+1938)

TJ Hockenson @ GB (+160)

Jaylen Waddle vs NE (+145)

Adam Thielen vs HOU (+220)

Special Bonus Pick:

If Danny Dunce is out, NYG -2.5 (+168)

If Danny Dunce plays, NYJ -13.5 (+400)

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

League Transactions

Scoreboard

Big Brain Bose WeekLy Recap

We’re going to try something new here instead of Phony of the week. Instead, you can enjoy a weekly recap, straight from the mind of Bose. Remember, I do not watch football and my brain is full of gibs so this may or may not be accurate.

This week Bose pulled off a big win against maybe the best team in the league. Bose has no players in the top weekly scorers and no top 10 season flex and qbs. My top player this week was Butker (we love kickers!!) and yet still managed to pull off the highest score of the week. We back baby!!

Dan won a big game against LsLeepy bud Jack this week putting him at 3-3 and out of the 2-4 thunderdome. This isn’t really surprising considering what we all know about Jack’s team. Jack is on a 4 game losing streak after proclaiming he has the unLucky! curse this year.

LphonybumJ spent a lot of time on the un-happy couch this week after losing to his roommate aLi and watching the eagLes lose to Zach WiLson and the Lets. aLi found some gypsy magic this year to grant himself lowest PA. Meanwhile John is apparently 1 TE away from being back in a big way.

After a huge week last week Champ Z regressed back to his true form. Tom got a good win but he is still stuck in the 2-4 thunderdome with the rest of the @bums. Tom is still the only team who hasn’t exceeded a value of 1 on the performance tracker. 0.997 this week, so close!

StrohL got lucky this week that Shroomies team took a shit. Shroomies lines on the various plots are hilarious. He looks like he is building a new ride in roLLer coaster tycoon. Something something bye weeks and injuries…….

Lost in the MF Sauce

Players to Watch

imma come clean

You know I was set to hold my team accountable by trying to explain to everyone just what went wrong with my ballclub.
After all, it was the first week that truly mattered since bye weeks are upon us and we’ve all been hit by the injury bug. Plus, we were playing the only other team in the history of #ThisLeague that can call himself a two-time champ.
Alas, we took the week off and are now here to face the music.
But is is actually ok!
Because while this week did matter that same two-time champ GM I was playing informed us that this past week was both backwards and opposite.

All is forgiven.
Anyhoo, since this was my first week back in the office after paternity leave, it was hard to properly meme/caption another real wrasslin video. So this will have to suffice.
Basically, I’m Vince McMahon since I was driving home from Rehoboth during the 1:00 window thinking everything was ok. You’re all the real wrestlers watching me and feeling just awful for your Oracle. The ending where I/Vinny Mac get into the limo sums up our week as a team. Enjoy.
Unless of course someone filmed me setting my lineup…

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Upcoming Schedule

Dr. StooL’s Week 6 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+265 – Bose – In what may seem like one of the all time miracles in fantasy football, Bellott’s phony team was able to post the high score last week. Bellott is also a fan of the known-cheaters Patriots and the new-cheaters Michigan. So was it really a miracle that his scrub squad won? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. If we find out someone here is cheating, to the phony pit with them!

+400 – Ooga Booga – Any time you throw up an 87  to drop into a tie for last place, you know you are gonna end up being diagnosed by the Doctor. I’ve been saying for a long time, Jack’s squad lacks upside and loose hammy’s. Raheem Mostert is the only player on his team with a chance of scoring 20+. It’s almost like it isn’t a good idea to just keep drafting running backs! I can tell you that from experience. Nico Collins is gonna have to drag him out of the phony pit to avoid the loser’s bracket.

+400 – Champ Z – Any time you throw up an 87 to drop into a tie for last place, you know you are gonna end up being diagnosed by the Doctor. But since we are playing each other this week, AND I just traded my players to Zack (so you know they are about to go off) I will decline to say anything negative about his team that could come back to bite me. Something like that would be reminiscent of Mr. Smith-Schuster’s Patriots tenure (aka “Bad JuJu”). I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.  

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 6

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 6 #LshroomsLogic Edition

Sorry fellas I took a long snooze last week & missed getting anything out. Dr. OogaJ upped my addy dosage & the comedown was worse than anticipated. But that is ok! because I woke up & the Lpats still stink! I’m setting the O/U at 5 for how many games until Lmac Truck gets benched. Hammer the under! In honor of Lshrooms sharing his most insightful & definitely not egregious  logic with us to date (NOT!), this week will feature all Lpats players! Since technically the Lpats never acccckkkktuually cheated since they were always very good after they were caught cheating! #LshroomsLogic. 

HOOVER HOLE

Lmac Truck Jones: U 181.5 Pass Yards (-114) vs BUF

Lmac barely scraped up enough yards last week to hit 200, but that was against a god awful Las Vegas Raiders squad with one of the worst secondaries in the league. The two weeks prior, he threw for 110 against the Saints & 151 against DaLLas. Buffalo has a legitimate defense that will be hungry for a redemption game after allowing the Lmen to score 9 points on them last week. Final score prediction 38-3 Buffalo (+28000). 

Lmac Truck Jones: O 0.5 Interceptions (-154) vs BUF

It’s unfortunate fanduel doesn’t allow Alt Interceptions because (assuming BiLL refuses to bench him) I would raise it up to a guaranteed 2 interceptions with a probable pick six. Buffalo has 9 interceptions in 6 games this season & I expect that number to continue to rise.

Gabe Davis: 4 Alt Receptions (+142), 60 Rec Yards (+220), & 1 TD (+240)

Parlay: +586

Stefon Diggs: 8 Alt Receptions (+116), 100 Rec Yards (+164) & 1 TD (+100)

Parlay: +348

Parlay all WR Props: +4878

PATS STINK! Hammer everything listed above! OogAyuH!

Bonus Picks: 

NFL Weekly Specials – Highest Scoring Team – Sunday Only

Buffalo Bills (+1100) vs NE

NFL Weekly Specials – Lowest Scoring Team – Sunday Only

Indianapolis Colts (+1200) vs CLE

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

beLLz

Yeah no surprise here. We all know that I have by far the worst team in the League…. and that is OK!
Oh no! Not the hot chip!
Anyway, since my team is so bad, and for the sake of my own mental health and this newsletter, I am not going to be putting myself here every week. In fact, just assume I am Phony of the week every week. You will however guarantee yourself a 1 way ticket to this spot if you happen to lose to me this year.
Just like the Patriots, we both got our 1 win so no naked lap!!

Honorable Mention

LphonyJ

John looks like he missed the phony bracket so much he is trying his best to keep his seat in the Lpit. His team is entirely reliant on eagLes players (big surprise) and he is low in PF and PA. The good news is he is better than beLLz, Ldan, and Ltom so he has an opportunity to banish another bum to the phony reaLm instead.

Lost in the MF Sauce

Players to Watch

imma come clean

So I have no idea when this will be available for your viewing pleasure, so I had to write a lil sum sum real quick that I was most sure that would stay relevant by the time your wandering eyes got to this section of the Newsletter. 

The Dallas Cowboys are Charmin soft. They are that Parsons, sorry, PERSON on the playground/locker room that would bully and/or hazed those that were weaker. Then, once a team/COVID came around that could fight back, they opted out of the season, or would just get pounded into submission. That’s just what happened when the 49ers played the Cowboys, which now feels like an eternity ago, but their defense was exposed, as were the best players on it, and don’t even get me going on Dak and the offense. I know it was forever since that game was played, but when it comes to the Newsletter, it’s life. 

As far as fantasy goes, I really felt emotional after playing my one of my goodest bud buds in Chizzy. So, this weeks real wrasslin video does a good job of reflecting that. In my humble and objective feeling of course. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 5 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+165 – Bose – Slowly trending toward even money… Anyone have any thoughts on a phony jersey for Alexander? I’m thinking it may have to be a Garrett Wilson Jets jersey for our resident Patriots fan! The other options would be the real men who ruined Bose’s season (although not on his team, but definitely more embarrassing) Zach Wilson or Aaron Rodgers. Last, but not least, maybe Stefon Diggs? Discuss amongst yourselves. 

+375 – Ltom – I’m starting to feel bad for Tom. Not because his team is bad, that’s his own fault. I feel bad because it is obvious that he still does not recognize that his team is bad! Let this be your InterventionJ. Your team is bad and you need help. Let some of your friends help you! Maybe we can trade just to trade, i.e. Daboll and Daniel Jones for Belichick and a 3rd.

+550 – Dr. Spots – Hello darkness my old friend Welcome back to the basement slim! While John is (barely) outside the bottom 3 in the real standings, he remains there in our hearts. A matchup with the magic man Ali does not bode well for his team scoring more than 100 points. This is going to be a long, slow burn to the bottom for John, which is why I haven’t picked up my crock pot yet. By this time next week, it may officially be TradeMasterJSzn.

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 6

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 6 Edition

Jack ran out of addy this week and couldn’t stay awake long enough to write his section this week, even with 2 extra days. Hopefully his plug can hook him up in time for next week.

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Ltom

Well well well who do we have here but our good bud Ltom. Half of Bose’s team didn’t catch a pass this week and Tom still managed to lock down the lowest score of the week. Through 4 weeks, Tom has yet to exceed his weekly projected score. Will he ever??? Stay tuned…

Honorable Mention

beLLz

Yeah no surprise here. See above. Half my team started their bye a week early. I’m pretty much a lock for phony bracket this year but that doesn’t mean I can’t spoil things for you other bums.

Lost in the MF Sauce

Players to Watch

imma come clean

Alright gentlemen. We’ve made it. The real season is here. Why? Well, because bye weeks are upon us, and it’s time to see what everyone is truly made of when it comes to their #GMing. 

The injury bug also plays a big part, but I don’t need to tell anyone that, since it’s already taken several chomps. 

Despite this, many have already begun chirping about their teams. Good or bad. Naturally, many have already proclaimed to have the best team (as of course is tradition) while Oracles prefer the lasagna approach. You know, speak softly and carry a big stick. That old chestnut. 

However, that doesn’t mean victory laps aren’t in order. 

Stefon Diggs has already been touched on. Injury or not, a top five WR in both fantasy and reality as a second round keeper was highway robbery. A value chart doesn’t need to tell you that so no need to overthink it. As an aside, many in #ThisLeague can attest that the Oracle was shopping Wilson in the offseason. Because Jets. 

Then there’s another lap to trot. And it involves Mr. Jack Attack. 

We all know that Ooga decided to Booga after beating me in a meaningless regular season game way back in 2020, and created his own website to celebrate. Since that happened? Well, thank you for asking. He went on to lose to me in the playoffs only for me to win the whole shebangabang that year. That’s not all! In the years that followed, Davante Adams demanded out of Green Bay to join his favorite team, then Aaron Rodgers left as well after more playoff collapses. Elsewhere, Coach K retired, Barcelona is at war with the government, and the Yankees fell off a cliff. 

Of course some say Neanderthals are notoriously slow learners, so after being insufferable for no reason after the World Series and Super Bowl, the biggest beatdown in the history of #ThisLeague was in order. So before the real season starts, one more victory lap before we’re all business. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 4 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+200 – Bose – Let’s get a picture of that British bitch in here because Bellz, you are the weakest link, and a (not so) good bye. Ken Walker is out and this presents a chance for Dan to add a tiebreaker advantage in a head to head. I don’t see any way out of the phony L pit of misery bracket if you go 1-4, so it may be time for Bose to start planning for weeks 15-17. The earlier you admit you have a problem the easier it is to correct it! Trust me, I’m a doctor. 

+415 – Ltom – Speaking of admitting to problems, I think Tom is having a hard time admitting to his draft mistakes. Darren Waller has been terrible, it’s early but Quentin Johnson looks like another TCU WR bust, and Kareem Hunt may just not be any good. In fact, Mr. computer meme man, can we get a mean girls meme going with Rachel McAdams telling Tommy “Stop trying to make (insert bum here) happen, it isn’t going to happen.” 

+600 – Ooga Booga – My problem with Jack’s team is this: Who the fuck can you count on to score 15+ points outside of Ekeler?  Not Barkley (for now), James Cook, Aaron Jones, or the WRs. Mostert really carried Jack in the first few weeks but I think Achane is taking enough of the carries to fuck that up. If only someone could have foreseen this team being bad! Jack’s team is spiraling toward the phony bracket like his sunglasses spiraled when CJ peed on them the flushed it. 

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 4

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 4 Edition

WOW A LOTTA HATERS in #ThisLeague that wanna see me fail! It’s fine… I’m used to it u bigL Loser bums (especiaLLY StooL). Since BeLLs wants this in his hands Thursday mornings now when he knows I can’t finish until late Friday, this is what you get.  Recapping last week: Achane lived up to the hype & over-exceeded my high expectations, hitting both lines & putting money in my pocket. Jefferson hit on his touchdowns but Kirk bum still can’t figure out how to get him the ball the necessary amount of times to win games. LOVE seeing Minnesota at the bottom of the division, so no more Jefferson bets. & lastly, Swift got his touchdown, but the sheagLes decided on a different pass-heavy game script. 4/6 I’ll take it. 

HOOVER HOLE

De’Von Achane TD (-125) & 50+ Rush Yards (-114) vs NYG
Parlay: +163

For a third straight week, I’m riding the Achane Train! I am dialing it back a bit with the anticipation the Dolphins want to keep Mosthurt feeling relevant. Consider this a bankroll builder, but with them playing the Lmen, feel free to double down on it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran for another 100 with 2 TDs for a third straight week.

Nico Collins TD (+200) & 100 Rec Yards (+390) vs. JAX (London Game)
Parlay: +653
I’m throwing Nico Collins on here this week not only because I have him starting & I wanna see some production, but also because I firmly believe he IS the guy in Texas with CJ Stroud. One down week of Tank Dell getting the ball & it was back to regularly scheduled programming last week (7/168/2). This should be a guarantee week in & week out with the way Stroud has been slinging the pigskin. Tail these lines with confidence.

Alvin Kamara TD (+125), o3.5 Receptions (-172), & 50+ Rec Yards (+320)

Parlay: +645 @ NE

Personally, I think it’s borderline asinine that these lines are as low as they are after Derek Loser Bum showed last week he’s unable to throw the ball further than 5 yards. I mean come on… Kamara had 13 receptions for 33 yards!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. New record for most receptions with the least amount of receiving yards (previous was 70 yards). It’s obvious Carr 1. Isn’t a QB & 2. Doesn’t have the shoulder strength back yet. Expect another heavy dose of Kamara in the pass against the Lpats this weekend & absolutely hammer these lines!

Parlay Everything: +14716 ($10 wins $1,471.66)…DO IT!!

Bonus Picks: 

NFL Weekly Specials – Highest Scoring Team – Sunday Only

Miami Dolphins (+650) vs NYG

NFL Weekly Specials – Lowest Scoring Team – Sunday OnlyNew York Lmen (+950) @ MIA

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

aLi

You might be wondering “Why is the league leader phony of the week? He is 3-0?” Just like nfL power rankings, our current standings can be deceiving. aLi might be 3-0 but when you dig into his stats, they start to look a lil sus. He is averaging less than 90 PA/G and only 1.7 points above league average. He also has a game under 100 points but is still 3-0. Will we see aLi here again? Maybe not. But through 3 weeks, there are better teams.

Honorable Mention

Ltom

Tom has yet to exceed his projected score and his rbs are a mess. No surprise seeing Tom here as he has been a leading prince phony since draft day.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

When it comes to coming clean, there isn’t anything much cleaner than facts. We’re gonna try something a lil different this trip around the sun; and look at some cold hard facts surrounding this football season that you may find fun.
Of course, not all of those will be completely objective, as subjectivity is at the core of what makes #ThisLeague as prestigious as it is. As such, you may find that influenced here. All of these will be appreciated by the members given the banter we have in the GroupMe on the daily.
Now then, let’s take a look at some Football Fun Facts:

 – T.J. Watt leads the league in sacks, forced fumbles, and fumble recoveries

 – On a related note, the Cardinals further exposed the blueprint the Eagles laid out last year, which is that Micah Parsons struggles against the run, particularly when said run is literally right at him. Not the best trait to posses when every network tries to tell us you’re Lawrence Taylor and an actual MVP candidate when they’re grasping for straws trying to hype up the Cowboys 

 – Both football teams, college and pro, based in Miami are undefeated

 – As a bonus, Miami and the Nits are both undefeated as well. Which could be worth a few yucks down the road depending on if that narrative fits the Nits vision of what’s funny for who they want my favorite college football program to be

 – There aren’t many uplifting signs of this changing this year: The Ravens, Giants and Packers most recent Super Bowls all occurred within one year of each other in a three year stretch. That stretch started over a decade ago. Makes you think

 – Jalen Carter will win DROY over Christian Gonzalez because Gonzo isn’t a flashy enough corner to beat a monster in the middle of the trenches. Like say, Sauce Gardner is

 – Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are currently dating

 –  Nothing in football matters yet. Fantasy or reality.

So there you have it. I think I speak for everyone when I say that went very well. Quite enlightening.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+350 – Champ Z – It’s not great, is it? Zacky appears to be the weak link this year. 0-3 and heading straight for the phony bowl. Champ Z’s team blew up last year, and there is a decent chance it blows up the other way after this weekend, if you know what I mean. 
+400 – Ooga Booga – Our resident caveman has come back to earth from his cocaine high. His team is starting to get healthy, but as we know the blue tent has a revolving door! Who will be next? No one knows. Have I mentioned that he will be starting George Pickens, Justin Fields, and Courtland Sutton every week?

+600 – Dr. Spots – The bummish makes a re-appearance on the Phony odds shortlist. This dude traded The A-Train for bum handcuffs and I’m not sure why. His team doesn’t look that bad, but it doesn’t really score any points and that’s all that really matters. He thinks his lineup is “set it and forget it” now, but it may be just “forget it.”

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 1

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga

Week 3 Edition

God damn did it feel good this morning to wake up knowing the Packers play the fucking Lions tonight. If BeLLs PaLLsy was anything like StooL, he’d be a shitty Lions fan since he lives in that ugly ass city. But, then again, nobody really knows what team StooL actually likes. Probably Miami (again) until Tua gets his mush brain sent into retirement in a couple weeks. Lshrooms is low key praying he never has to write a column for one of the Lions websites or he’ll HAVE to be a fan too!! What an awful time it’d be to be in #ThisLeague with 3 obligatory Lions fans in here. Thank god hypotheticals don’t exist. Read that last sentence again StooL.

Now before anybody says they told me so about FieLds, you were all right. Mfer can’t throw a football more than 10 yards accurately. Trash pick last week that will never be repeated. On the other hand, Stroud came through (as expected) & Jefferson was a SINGLE YARD away from 150 rec yards (& $500+ in my bank account). Thanks for being such a sharing quarterback Kirk. Bum. Y’all lost to the Chargers with Joshua $32 Kelley. Might as well throw in the towel already because there’s no chance in hell they’re beating out the Packers for the NFC North title this year. The bigL pit is anxiously awaiting their arrival! Just ask BabyL for directions…he’s been vacationing down there every year with his buddy BradLey BeaL since 2017!

Well I’ve gotten way off base with this intro…so let’s get into it, shall we?

HOOVER HOLE

De’Von Achane 2 TDs (+1500) & o38.5 Rush Yards (-114) @ BUF
Parlay: +1567

Miami exploded for 70 points last week against the Broncos. While the blowout didn’t come as a surprise, Achane’s 4 touchdowns sure as fuck did! Apparently Lphonybum Johnny missed the highlights or he wouldn’t have sold him for two garbage handcuffs (one on the Broncos LOL) that won’t do a damn thing except rot on his bench. Big brain move from our favorite reigning & flourishing Phonybum commissioner. While Lboy might not see any value in Achane, I sure do. I expect he will be heavily involved in the ground attack again this Sunday against the underachieving Bills, & with that he will score an easy 2 on the ground with  plenty of rushing yards to compliment…once again taking valuable fantasy points away from Mosthurt.

Justin Jefferson 2 TDs (+600) & 150 Rec Yards (+360) @ CAR
Parlay: +1095
I’m running this line back again from last week not because I’m saLty about it, but rather very unfulfilled with the Vikings execution in the last few minutes of the game. This should have EASILY hit had Kirk bum looked the right way (Jefferson’s) when it mattered most. Instead, he didn’t, & they lost in glorious VIkings fashion. He won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row…especially against a pathetic Carolina team that’s getting their franchise bum Bryce Young back from injury.

D’Andre Swift TD (+105) & 100 Rush Yards (+290) vs. WSH

Parlay: +413

Once again, the books are disrespecting D’Andre Swift & his proven ability to carve up defenses. This almost seems too easy…so easy that I refuse to go any higher than 1 TD because I know Hurts will snag at least one rugby try, I mean completely legal & well liked around the league 1 yard rushing TD, from Swift at some point throughout the game. Hammer these lines as hard as CJ hammers his lines every morning before work.

Parlay Everything: +102287 ($10 wins $10,228.75)…DO IT!!

Bonus Pick: NFL Weekly Specials – Highest Scoring Team – Sunday Only

Miami Dolphins (+1600) @ BUF

TOILET BOWL

I’m not a big fan of rooting for people to not be as successful as they can be, so instead I’ll stick with rooting for garbage teams & coaches to continue to be their true selves (you already know who is coming).

NY Giants (+1.5) vs SEA

NY Jets (+8.5) vs KC

Home field advantage doesn’t apply to flaming piles of garbage. If you’re going to gamble your hard earned money on either of these dumpster fires, make sure you DON’T take these lines. Hammer the opposite with absolute confidence.

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way.
Projected Points Scored by Week
Actual Points Scored by Week
Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection
Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Lbud Zack

For the second week in a row, the honor of Biggest Phony of the Week goes to……… our bud Zack!! 81 points this week, averaging 75 points a game through 2 weeks, and points against less than 100/game. Don’t worry though Zacky, you get to play BeLLz this week.

Honorable Mention

beLLz + Ldan

Another back to back week under 100 points and the future IS NOT looking any brighter. Chances are pretty high we will see these 3 phony’s here on a week to week basis.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

We are officially BACK back in the greatest way. Week deuce is in the books, and it’s one of my personal favorite times of the year, as DaLLas fans are feeling themselves earlier than usual, claiming that THIS will be the year they make it out of the second round (some of us feel this way about our hoops team). Of course they’re feeling extra giddy because the one they claim is the best defender in football, Micah Parsons, who famously decided he had better things to do in 2020, made a case for himself by scooping up a fumble, and taking it all the way to the end zone late in the fourth quarter for the winning touchdown. Thus, giving his team victory on primetime despite the heated competition and his anemic offense. 

Hang on, we’re being told that was actually TJ Watt. How embarrassing. 

Speaking of being back, Dr. Spots and DJ Dasta also proved that they filed a claim at the We’re Back department, following up their strong week one performances with resounding victories in week two. 

It’s this type of consistency with their strongest drafted lineup that makes them a threat, and why we should remember who they are. 

Hang on, we’re getting another call from Quality Control…

Ah. 

Well then. It appears that we made ANOTHER faux pas, and that two of my favorite residents of 1320 actually scored well under 90 points in week one, so we don’t actually know what the outlier here is. 

Silver lining, there’s a lot of ball left, and some even believe week one (or even two) don’t matter. Another silver lining here is that my OTHER favorite 1320 tenant, Tommy Toes, has Kareem Hunt and Cooper Kupp waiting in the wings. So that should be tons of fun. 

I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait to see what week three, which should matter, has in store. Hopefully my column won’t have as many errors either. So sorry about that.  

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+275 – Birthday Boy Bose – I think this guy may have told his secret birthday wish (finally winning the fantasy chip) to someone. It’s too bad really, because after the Garrett Wilson trade with Shroomies, I thought Bellott had a great team. Since he got handed the Nick Chubb L (shaped leg), along with Wilson throwing to Wilson instead of Rodgers throwing to Wilson, this team looks about as under water as the sphinx in 10,500 BC.

+325 – Champ Z – The hits just keep on coming. Almost 100 fewer PF than Ooga Booga, Nick Chubb (real life, not fantasy), Cam LAkers in purgatory, not to mention Najee just kinda stinks. Champ Z’s title defense is looking more like a Dan than a Stool (B2B). The only saving grace here is that Zack has a few theoretically elite players that haven’t performed well yet. I still give him a chance to turn it around. 

+500 – Ooga Booga – I’m not sure how we’ve found ourselves here, but alas. Jack is 2-0, has the highest PF, and yet – I don’t buy it. This dude is going to start Nico Collins and George Pickens every week. The RBs look nice until you realize three of them are injured (until who knows when) and the fourth will be JT’s backup after a trade in week 5. I forsee this team dropping its proverbial sunglasses in the toilet bowl. 

Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 1

HOOVER HOLE

Justin Jefferson
150+ rec yds: +390
2TDs: +650
Parlay: +1402

Jefferson is looking to be the first player with 150 receiving yards in 3 straight games. Without much else offense on a pathetic Vikings squad, expect the same outcome from Jefferson this week with them leaning HEAVILY on him. 

CJ Stroud
275 passing yards: +240
2 passing TDs: +164
Parlay: +411

Stroud exploded for 384 passing yards last week with a pair of TDs. It seems he’s adjusting to the NFL faster than expected & building rapport with his WR core. Expect this trend to continue as Stroud continues to develop & the run game remains nonexistent. 

Justin Fields
100+ rush yards: +400
1 rush TD: +200
Parlay: +702

This man called out his coaches for turning him into a robo QB… & they agreed. It’s gonna be an all out attack on the ground tomorrow for Fields & the Bears. No more lingering in the pocket. As soon as he doesn’t see somebody open (he won’t bc he stinks), expect him to take off for multiple 20 yards runs & topping 100 yards easy. Tack on at least one TD for good measure. 

Parlay everything: +61587

Toilet Bowl

Anything Lets or Panthers 

Do I really need to explain why we don’t need to bother touching these team with a 12 foot pole?

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way.
Projected Points Scored by Week
Actual Points Scored by Week
Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection
Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Lbud Zack

I don’t even need to tell you why this week, just look at the scoreboard. The reigning champ put up a whopping 68 points to start the season. Better hope your team turns it around or it’s going to be a LLLong season.

Honorable Mention

@bums who Lost this week + aLi

6 teams scored less than 100 points this week. I think that’s a new League record for week 1. Normally this would be concerning. However as we all know, week 1 does not matter!

Players to Watch

imma come clean

We are finally underway and the toxicity is flowing faster than a starburst flavored beverage in #ThisLeague. There’s a lot we could talk about, such as me getting clowned for yet another pre-draft trade, the stinkeroo that was the battle of our last two champions, Strohl being Strohl, or the fact that Jack’s team snapped. So many fireworks in so little time of actual football being played.

BUT

Just like the adage goes that nothing said before the word “but” matters, the same can be said for week one. It doesn’t matter! With week 18 replacing week four of preseason, the most out of pocket stuff usually goes down, and rarely ever reflects the season as a whole. The real season is on the horizon, and as a very handsome, and fertile, Oracle likes to say, everyone’s a gangster before bye weeks and injuries start. Speaking of which, check in on your running backs and make sure they’re alright. A lot of valuable draft capital was used on the position.

Until next time when things actually matter.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+200 – Dr. Spots – Not much to like about my fellow Dr.’s team. He will rely heavily on Hurts, Bijan, and Batman to keep his nose above water. Excuse the metaphor, but they are the final three tendon strands of Rodgers’s Achilles entering the 4th play of the game.

+400 – Ooga Booga – I may be a doctor, but I don’t play one on TV and I am pitching a GIANT blue tent right now. This team is cooked. All injured running backs, no WRs makes this team…good enough for +400.

+550 – Got Gibbs? – This team is one more injury from dire straights. Tommy may be fine if Kupp comes back or if Kareem Hunt finds a team, but otherwise don’t let Week 1 fool you.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 1

Boy does it feel good to get these addy-less fingers going after a long off-season. I haven’t touched an upper since LphonyJ shoved black market smelling salts in my nose & force fed me barbershop cocaine. It’s no wonder I smoked Tom in ping pong & took a snooze on the toilet afterwards. Ah, good times. Also wanna give a quick shoutout to the phony who pissed on my sunglasses in the toilet. Very well might’ve been me, so in that case shoutout ya boi Ooga! Y’all are in for a treat today because not only did the Ooga gods bless me with the best fantasy team (til they’re all hurt), they also blessed me with the best & worst addy lines for the week. Don’t tell AddyJ… but my shit is much better. OogAyuH!!

HOOVER HOLE

TB Buccaneers (-2.5) vs CHI

The amount of disrespect Zack’s ex boyfriend Baker bum gets continues to blow my mind. Sure, Justin Fields can run the ball some, but have you seen that TB front line? No way in hell Chicago comes outta Tampa with a win… especially after getting absolutely molly-whopped at home by Green Bay last week (LOVEd that). Do yourselves a favor & get your favorite plate, heat it up in the microwave, line up your fattest line & hoover that bitch straight up your nose hole because we are taking Vegas for everything they owe us back from last week!

Los Angeles Chargers (-3) @ TEN

Is Vegas just giving us money this week or are there just an insane amount of idiots betting on a Derrick Henry comeback game? No way this can come back to haunt me or anything… but forreal this line seems way too weak for a team that just put up 34 against a decent defense. Not to mention they’re up against a pathetic offense in Tennessee that couldn’t score a single touchdown in week 1. I know what you’re thinking- it’s Justin Herbert & Mr. 200% why would I put any trust in them? Because BabyL is starting Mr. 200% & he owns Vegas. It’s no coincidence. So go to the bank, withdraw everything, go to your barbershop & take them for EVERYTHING they own. It’s only a matter of time before the books accurately reflect how piss poor Tannebum & that offense is… so hoover it up while you still can!

TOILET BOWL

NY Giants (o22.5 Total Points) @ AZ

I’m not sure I’ve stopped laughing about how god awful the Lmen were on Sunday night. I take that back- I stopped laughing as soon as I remembered I’m stuck with the 2^nd worst keeper of this year (sorry StooL, but there’s no coming back from donut Lee Higgins). The worst RB1 in the league L boy dunce man showed his true colors & nobody was surprised. Not even Tom… but that’s because he’s already used to shitting on his team’s superstars to make himself feel better about their nonexistent championship hopes. JUUUUULIUS!! Everyone who picked up from AddyJ, do yourselves a favor & flush those mids down the toilet bowl. If LphonyJ or aLi time it right, they might catch Tom doing the same.

NY Jets (+9.5) @DAL

Down goes AAron & up rose the Lets to a miracle win in OT against the league’s biggest underachievers, the Josh aLLen led biLLs. I can confidently say that the Ooga gods favored the Lets on Monday night. Unfortunately, that’s the last time a miracle like that will happen for them. DaLLas just smoked the Lmen in embarrassing fashion. In case you forgot (Tom & aLi), the final score was 40-0 & L boy dunce man set a new record that no TEAM has done in an ENTIRE SEASON. Let’s go over it shall we…

No NFL team has ever:
–   Lost 40-0 or worse

–   Lost the sack battle 7-0 or worse

–   Lost the turnover battle 3-0 (or worse)

–   Had a blocked FG returned for a TD

–   Threw a pick-6

In the same SEASON…

The Lmen did it all in ONE GAME!

OogAyuH!! That’s gotta hurt! Sorry L boys but even though it can only go up from here doesn’t mean it’ll translate to wins. Gotta flush L boy dunce man & his $160M bones before you’ll see a championship contending squad ever again. Sad! But true. 

Alright getting back on topic-  I hate to give DaLLas any credit for anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to, since the Lets will get a reality check & take a hard fall off their miracle win addy mountain. If you happen to catch any white powdery rocks falling off with them, do yourselves a favor & flush them with the Lmen bums for the rest of the season.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way.
Projected Points Scored by Week
Actual Points Scored by Week
Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection
Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week

League Transactions