I hope you enjoy everyone’s responses. There’s some good ones in here.
Good luck to everyone in the weeks to come!
Bellz
What is your honest opinion of your team?
This is easily the best team I’ve ever had in #thisLeague. Am I going to blow it in playoffs? Chet Ubetcha!
Rankings: 1) Zack 2) Bellz 3) John (There’s a big drop off after the top 3)
4) Ali 5) Dan 6) Strohl (didnt make the playoffs though lmao) 7) Jack 8) CJ 9) Tom 10) Shrooms
Any other comments?
Top 3 teams are nice! Now that I said that I’ll def lose to the biggest bum in playoffs.
Dan had the best team on paper this year but injuries and unLucky! got him down.
Shrooms I love ya bud but if you dont get one of your lucky weeks you might be the newest waffle boy. Having said that, I am rooting for Tom to get phony after beating me twice this year.
John
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Overall love my team. Thanks to the birds, but more importantly thanks to wank & shrooms for being dumb and giving me them (have fun in the loser world, losers). I’m a little concerned about my flexes but hopefully my studs can guide me to the end, which ultimately will be second placeMe, Bellott, Zack, ali, Dan- does anyone else even matter? Wank is starting $1 candle wick and shrooms is toying with his roster like he has ALS.
Rankings: Me Bellott Zack ali Dan- does anyone else even matter? Wank is starting $1 candle wick and shrooms is toying with his roster like he has ALS.
Any other comments?
Hey Tommy. SssssssssssssSsSsSssSsSsSsomone owesSsSssSsSsSsSsS me an apology!
Zack
What is your honest opinion of your team?
A fucking wagon
Rankings: Zack Bellott John Ali Dan The rest are too stinky to even compare
Any other comments?
I will be praying for Tom to be King Stinkee
CJ
What is your honest opinion of your team?
I have the worst team in the league. It isn’t close, my team decided it wanted to get the pussy illness. Deebo hung out with Embiid and infected the rest of my bum squad. There isn’t much more to say than that. I made the worst keeper decision of my life, and that was the end. On to next year. At least this year I get to watch PSU RB’s dominate, and that is all I need. WE ARE PENN STATE. #JOEPAFOREVER #BRINGONTHEDUMBWAFFLES
Rankings: 1. John 2. Ali 3. Zack 4. Bose 5. Dan 6. Strohl (too late) 7. Jackson 8. Tom 9. Evan 10. CJ
Any other comments?
I am not allowed to have an opinion because my team is so bad. Once I get a good team then I am allowed to have an opinion.
Ali
What is your honest opinion of your team?
My team is great, but it could be better. I have a stud QB and WR, a couple of decent running backs (not Breece HaLL), and my TE’s are nice. My team is balanced but not top heavy, and I think you need a top heavy team with two or three players who will go OFF to make it far into the playoffs.
John’s team is on a tear right now, he did the same thing last year before making the Championship. His success hinges on Hurts and Saquon and they have a good schedule down the stretch. Zack is very top heavy with Joe Bum, Sloppy Joe, and Jamarr Bum. The BengaLs will continue to throw the ball a lot because their defense stinks. BeLLott has the most well rounded team, and came make a push for the championship if his best players can keep up with John and Zack. Dan has horrible luck, but he also has not benefitted from the trade with Strohl as most people thought he would he can make a push but it comes down to his QB play and his Nabers (Let a Knaysayer Know!). Whoever gets the last spot in the playoffs is giving a free bye week to the team in 3rd place. Its a crapshoot for Phony Bracket, and I can’t wait for Tom to have to eat 55 burgers, 55 donuts, 55 beers, and 55 fries when he loses.
Tom
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Dark horse to break hearts in the playoffs
Rankings: 1) Zack 2) Mr. 2nd Place 3) No-Mo(nty) 4) I guess Bellott but we all know what’s gonna happen in the playoffs 5) The Dark Horse 6) Ljack escapes the Lpit 7) CMC fan club 8) Mr. 0-6 start 9) Go Wiz! 10) Ouchie Shrooms
Any other comments? *Tom declined to comment further*
Jack
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Sus
Rankings: No
Any other comments?
John might make the chip, but he ain’t winning the chip.
Dan
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Too good on paper, but hides like a little bitch when the lights get too bright. Tom and Jackson are both going to win, CJ will end his 6 game losing streak against me, and I will get banished to the phony bracket. Then, I will choke that away too and end up phony.
Rankings: 1 Bellott 2 Zack 3 Ali 4 John 5 Strohl 6 CJ 7 Tom 8 Jackson 9 Dan 10 Shrooms
Any other comments?
No because I’m going to be nice. The last time I made a mean comment about Jordan Mason, CMC tore up his knee a few plays later.
Shrooms
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Alexis Texas
Rankings: 1. Bose 2. Big Dog 3. Bummish 4. Danimal 5. Boris 6. Strohl 7. Wankson 8. Tommy Toes 9. CJ 10. Me #humility
Any other comments?
I am in no position to speak out
Strohl
What is your honest opinion of your team?
Better than most of us thought 5 weeks ago. I learned my lesson – I thought I drafted a team that would be ready to win games right away, and also would win in weeks leading up to (and hopefully in) the playoffs. But it turns out I only drafted a team that was only ready to win in the weeks leading up to (and, again, hopefully in) the playoffs. Can’t win the chip if you are in the phony bracket! Big brain moves only.
Rankings: 1. Bellott 2. Zack 3. John 4. Dan 5. Ali 6. StooL 7. CJ 8. Tom 9. Wankson 10. Shrooms
Any other comments?
No, it’s bad JuJu to talk shit before the phony bracket so I will go quietly.
I took the average of everyone’s rankings for this playoff push aggregate ranking:
Zack 1.8 Bose 2.2 John 2.4 Ali 3.8 Dan 5.4 Strohl 6.3 Jack 7.1 Tom 7.6 Cj 8.3 Shroom 9.9
Thank you all for responding (except Zack). I’ve got everyone’s responses organized by the current standings.
Bellz
This is the first time I’ve been happy with my team in a long time. Because of our dumbass, fully diagnosed disney adult horses, by the time CJ and I got to draft we were choosing from 2nd round players. With that in mind I am happy how my draft went (Draft better bums!) and my current standings. 1.05: GIbbs – Mr gibbiessss! He’s nice 2.06: King Henry – Lmaoooo I can’t believe you guys let him fall to me. Thanks CJ! 3.05: Big Mike Evans – Again, mr consistent. I cant believe you let him drop this far to me in the 3rd 4.06: Walker – Solid pick here. Better than Rachaad White who went sooner but I also can’t believe I passed on Kamara 5.05: mr vaLue – keeper. yall already know 6.06: Terry Scary – this was such a risky pick. I’m ctfu that its worked so far 7.05: Kincaid – TEs suck in 2024. At least I didnt draft one until 7th round 8.06: Javonte – BUM 9.05: Jamooo – Boom or bust but I love watching him play 10.06: Christian Watson – Biggest bum on the Lpack. Who wants him?? 11.05: Rico – I’m hoping for a late season break out here. Stop trying to trade for him bums 12.06: Jayden Daniels King of the East – LMAO yall really let me get him in the 12th round???? L to all of you 13.05: Love – Yeah sure I’ll take Jordan Love as my backup QB in the 13th round 14.06: Josh Downs – My sleeper pick of the year 15.05: Freiermuth – a top TE I guess??? 16.06: Fairbairn – Kicker 1
Oh and I’m still running these guys out there. Because I’m nice at drafting and don’t need to trade bum for bum.
Bose Rankings: 1) Dan (when healthy) 2) Me 3) John 4) aLi 5) Zack 6) CJ 7) Strohl 8) Shrooms 9) Tom 10) Jack
John
This is easy. Have you looked at my team? My consuLtant hooked me up for an easy yellow brick road stroll (not strohl) to the fantasy chip.
I made ONE bad pick, and in hindsight, I’m sicccccckkk because i knewww mr autism would be the Achilles heel of my team, and thankfully, he’s riding his ass on the waiver wire. Bum.
My extremely humongous brain
is running at 150%. Snakes on a plane; Saquon & jettas are flying high and everyone else is the supporting cast.
And let’s not forget the fact that trading diontae johnson for the qb that i was going to pick in the third round is magical. AND i still have Travis Kelce? Yikes
Best team is mine, of course.. but props to bellott for also being up here with me. The world is aligned because strohl is at the bottom. I’m also putting Tom at the top as well because he buried strohl.
Good luck everyone!!!!!!
Zack
My team blows and I can’t wait to be phony again
CJ
My team sucks, no debating that. I have one good player, and he is keeping my team alive. Just as he is keeping his NFL team alive. We all know who that is! My 3-2 record speaks for itself. I am getting somewhat lucky, I do not have the best team, but my team is putting up numbers when they need to at the current time. I think I will lose many more matchups, but I will be in the thick of it. A better place than I thought originally. John has the best team and playing him week 1 hurt morale. Seeing his team now, I am ok. Not going to play John every week. I am in the middle of the pack.
A couple things of note. I traded a few players. The one of note was JK Dobbins and Jennings for Adams. Pretty happy about that trade, and still am. If Adams still plays, I am ready for the stretch run. I traded Pitts for Worthy, a great trade would do it again. I then swapped worthy for roschon to the same guy. I need a bench RB vs a gadget player. With all my trades, I am content for now.
I was dealt a bad hand (with bose) because of a dumb horse. We both tried to make the most of it. Here is my pick by pick analysis:
Kyren- Even though John said don’t pick him I did. He has turned it around after a one week dud, and looks like a first round pick. Go figure!
My keeper ETN- He is terrible, I wished I kept Henry no doubt about it. This may end my season, and I have no excuse. Big Brain’d this selection. He stinks. At least I have a tank now.
Deebo- Deebo up and down every week. I think I don’t hate my selection here, and I think he will turn it on. He’s been fine for me.
Lamar Jackson- The GOAT, an amazing pick by me. My best pick. He is wheeling and dealing like a true RB does.
Michael Pittman – My second worst pick. I rolled the dice on this thinking Richardson would be good. He isn’t, he actually is a RB that cannot throw. So all the colts WR’s with him are going to blow. They sure do. I can only hope for a Flacco.
Tee Higgins- Tee did his thing, and got injured before the season. He will get injured again, but for now he is cooking. I think I would probably roll the dice again with him if the draft was today.
Christian Kirk – An awful start that cost me two matches (with pittman), he is turning it on lately. The Jags stink, they are awful. Hopefully, they turn it on soon.
Mosthurt- He is a bench RB that may see the light of day. Now with Achane hurt, he might be a tad better. I don’t know, but odds are I don’t start him unless I have to. That was the plan anyway.
Corum- What a terrible pick by me, but I had no idea. The guy plays special teams! Well I took the handcuff I thought before Tom snatched him. Do I regret it…, maybe? I don’t know, he is gone now anyway.
Pitts- Traded the bum because someone would take him. Rolled the dice on him, and the dice fell off the craps table. He is awful, he is not returning and will go down as one of the worst top 5 NFL draft picks. I got Fergy now so we good!
JK. Dobbins- JK was my best value pick. I swapped him and Jennings for Adams. On paper that looks great, but Adams decided to say WE NOT PLAYING. Dobbins has looked amazing, and that is good. I love my pick, and stand by it. This is another one where John told me Gus was going to get all the carries. Good thing I didn’t listen, again!
Zeke- Bum, bad pick. Already off the squad. He can eat his cereal on the waiver wire.
Brock Purdy- Dropped him already, late round backup qb. Didn’t need him, and he is gone. Is what it is!
Schultz- Already dropped because I have Fergy. Schultz looks like a bad pick where I picked him. He has done nothing, oh well it really does not matter because I now have Fergy. All thanks to Strohl.
Mitchell- IR stash, which he is still there. Looking forward to his return as he will eat into Henry snaps. Got to love that.
Sanders- Oh boy this dude fucking sucks. I should have selected any other K. Should kick the chair from under him, blows!
Ali
a) Overall I still feel good about my draft, and wouldn’t change who I drafted, except for Breece. I really wanted to go with Kyren, but couldn’t pull the trigger on two Ram’s players and I was sold on PUKA!! Josh Allen may have been a reach now, but there is only maybe one other player I would take in that spot and that is Mike Evans. Also Nick Chubb might be ass this year since the Browns are CHEEKS (cmon Zack), so that pick may be useless. But overall I’m still happy with my draft! I don’t remember drafting Likely and everytime I bench him, he goes off, so I guess he will stay on my bench. Love my pick up of MOONEY, I think he can be a solid WR2.
b) My team is in the middle of the pack right now, with a tough loss week one, and a brutal showing week 4. Other than that I am happy with how my team has performed. I can’t say I have the best team, but if Josh Allen starts playing well again, I can compete for a championship. A lot of parity in #ThisLeague. Not sure if one team is better than the rest on paper, but Bellott’s is looking good right now, and so is Dan’s. Even with a few tough losses for Dan and no CMC. For a second Jack’s team was looking good, but with underperforming players and injuries, he may have the worst team. Strohl has been unlucky but his team isn’t the best either, so it’s a recipe for disaster. Bums are still trading for bums, so that’s not gonna help some of these bums getting out of the LPit.
Overall
Tier 1 – Bellott and Dan
Tier 2 – John, Ali, Zack, and CJ
Tier 3 – Tom and maybe Shrooms
Tier BUM – Jack and Strohl
Tom
1) Reflections:
Overall, my team is the best in the league and I will be going back to Rome to draft you all under the table every year. Sure, drafting Mark Andrews the pick before Malik Nabers can be viewed as dumb, but it doesn’t even matter because my team is nice. The CeeDee fleece from Strohl is an all-time dingus move on his part. Drake London was a dark-horse second round pick but him and swag-surfing white boy Kirk are niiiiiiiice. James Cook’d is wiping his dick all over the RB competition this year so yet another great draft pick by me. You might be asking, “oh Tom why did you draft Rachaad White in the 4th round?” because I had my reasons yoooo and I’m not telling. Tank Dell is about to pop off since Dan’s team is a walking blue tent so I’m good with that pick. Ladd will win me the chip this year when he gets going so I’m not worried. Oh, I almost forgot…Jordan Mason is NICE and Dan should’ve picked him up once CMC didn’t feel like playing football anymore. Dak is nice a scoop for being that late and so is TE 1 TJ Hockenson. You guys see the trend here? MY TEAM IS LOADED! Rashiid Shaheed in the 14th round was like taking candy from all you Lbabies.
Hey Strohl, you got fleeced and you’re 0-5. Some people would call that SHOOK!
2) current rankings:
BeLLott, Tom, CJ, John, Zack, Ali, Jack, Dan, Shrooms and waaaaaaaaay down is Strohl. Strohl, god damn. I’ll just leave it at that.
Include these comments on the rankings:
beLLott: matter of time before his team collapses but we will see.
Tom: my team is just getting started. I’m a lock for the playoffs and will make a deep run. Sorry Strohl.
CJ: his team looks like poo on paper but is actually good. Maybe he’ll stop making bone-headed trades so he can make the playoffs.
John: his team is good if they stay healthy BUT they won’t. Johnny is in trouble.
Zack: I looked up “mid” in the urban dictionary and Zack’s team popped up.
Ali: very average so far. His subpar draft is hurting him right now, but it might be due to the championship hangover. Time will tell.
Jack: his team is sinking faster than the titanic. To the Lpit you go bud.
Dan: I actually feel bad for Dan because his team (on paper) is nice but they get hurt when tripping over a blade of grass. He has a championship caliber team if they were healthy but he’ll be in the Lpit if not.
Shrooms: yikes, this team is very stinky. You just traded your qb for a fringe flex 2. Draft was bad but recent moves were even worse. The Lpit is your new home bud.
Strohl: oh Strohl, where do we begin. Your kind, naive nature (that I love) destroyed your season before we even drafted. Most would say I fleeced you out of the 2024 fantasy season, but I won’t say that. I took advantage of your trust and I apologize for that. My sweet Strohl, maybe next year. NEXT!
Jack
a) Draft Pick by Pick
– Bijan over Saquon will be the death of me (& our favorite baLdy once Saquon gets hurt). Cousins stinks & hates black RBs because that’s what they teach at his Mormon church. The achilles gods will get their justice soon enough. Once non-racist Michael Penis is under center, Bijan to the MOOOOOOON.
– I’m still OK with MHJ. No panic yet. He gets the redzone targets too. Can only go up from here.
– Mahomes hates his own players. WORST pick of my draft by a landslide. Could’ve had RB1 LLamar but nooooooo had to take America’s favorite QB. Trash.
– 2 Lshrooms 1 Kupp is fantastic. Just needs a few extra ice baths every week to stay out of the blue tent.
– OK with Flowers as of now but with Henry & LLamar taking over the team, Flowers outlook is not promising (for sale for cheap).
– Rashee fried Rice was my best pick until Mahomes decided Kelce wasn’t getting enough attention. He made the business decision & now Kelce is famous again. Now Bravo can have Mahomes & Kelce on their show. I won’t be watching.
– Najee stinks. SteeLers stink. Fuck u @Zack McCullough run your god damn 5K already. Bum.
– Engram hasn’t played since week 1. He’s slated to come back this week. My hopes are as high as Dan after a gib on draft weekend.
– JayLen Warren is droppable. Come & get him! Please…
– Spears is one Bum PoLLard injury away from RB1 status, if he wasn’t on the ass clown Titans. Office is open to anyone bu strohL.
– Josh aLLen stinks & so does Keon. I’ll hold out of curiosity to see if anything does come of it, but my expectations are low.
– Already dropped Mr. 200%
– Tua’s brain is scrambled eggs. Dropped.
– Dropped Polk. LPats are terrible. Next!
– Dropped Meyers. Raiders stink. Next!
– TE1 Aubrey best kicker in the league. Best 16th round pick of all time. Fight me @Zack McCullough
b) Since Kupp & Rice have been out, it’s no question my team is now a ticking time bomb waiting to either explode to the moon or implode straight into the Lpit. It could always be worse- at least I still have a chance unLike our good rock buddy strohL. How sad he has become!
My very non-biased rankings:
1 – Nobody 2-7 (in no order) – BeLLs, aLi, BaLdy, Me, Dan, Zack 8 – CousinJ 9 – Dork 10 – Lshrooms N/A – strohL
Dan
Alright here we go. My draft was really good. I genuinely feel like my first ~11 picks were so spot on and after that it’s a shot in the dark anyways. Looking at the guys taken after my pick, BUMS. Don’t regret any of the picks right now. BUT (here comes my POUT) the injury bug has absolutely fucked me. It would be interesting to see what would have happened in the draft if CMC was actually honest about his injury. I honestly didn’t have a backup keeper plan so who knows what I would have done. Looking at my squad, I’m just PRAYING for some good fortunate with injuries. I’m counting so hard on all of these guys getting healthy by the end of the season for a playoff run:
– CMC
– Nabers
– Collins
– Achane
– Rhamondre (kinda a bum but still kinda need him)
Hell even my kicker sprained his ankle making a tackle last week on special teams. Imma come clean, I almost made a couple different trades this week that could have been seen as panicking, but I’m trying to hold steady and trust the process.
As for the rest of the league, Bellott has the best team and the championship is his to lose. Our team have gone in different directions since my crushing defeat. I’m also ready to pencil John in for a deep playoff run that ends on week 16, as is tradition. My dark horse contender is Zack, who struggled in the beginning of the season but is similar to me and just needs to get healthy.
Respectfully, I will not speak on the bottom of the league as I have intrusive thoughts that the five guys I mentioned above are toast for the season and I will be losing the phony bracket.
– Daddy Dan
Shrooms
Upon reflection on my team midway through the fantasy season, it’s really kinda crazy how my team looks compared to my draft. Of my 16 selections, seven of them remain. Due to wearing like actual rose-colored glasses, my rose-colored draft ended with two Raiders and three Eagles, and only Dallas Goedert remained. Naturally I couldn’t help myself and grabbed the Raiders tight end down the road. With that being the case, going pick by pick is bit of a difficult task. I also credit White Claw. I think that was the seltzer I’m starting to doubt that weekend even happened.
Anyhoo, what I can do though, is tell you that my draft picks of Aaron Jones, Davante Adams, Jalen Hurts, and Jaylen Waddle became Brock Bowers, Austin Ekeler, J.K. Dobbins, Jajuan Jennings (ew?), Diontae Johnson, Jaxon Smith-Niigba, and Xavier Worthy. You can do with that what you will because honestly, seeing it in writing I don’t even know what to make of it and I’m kinda terrified to dwell on it.
While I didn’t go pick-by-pick, something | will emphasize is that Jaylen Waddle literally one pick before Nico Collins, followed by Amari Pooper one pick before Zay Flowers next round looks like a tough one as of now. There was also Jerome Ford right before Brian Thomas too. Ya know, for good measure.
As far as who has the best team, other than John of course, I gotta give it to my Blair Walsh brother Bose. Hostus Mostus has earned this spot on the Midseason Mantle and I for one couldn’t be happier for him. Idk who can say the same. As for me, it looks like I may have a spot locked up in the Phony Baloney Pit. For now, of course. Lotta things look like they may be happening…
Strohl
A.
1. AJ Brown – if the question is do I regret not keeping Tyreek, at this point it’s no. Am I happy I picked AJ Brown? Also no. Hoping Batman’s hammys get right.
2. Chris Olave – you won’t catch me drafting this cat again. Put him on the Tee Higgins list.
3. Brandon Aiyuk – Wow I royally fucked up rounds 2 and 3. I could have had Josh Jacobs and Mike Evans, each were picked one spot after my picks. Big brain moves.
4. Jonathan Taylor – I still think it was the right decision to keep him here. If i had picked Josh Jacobs and Mike Evans, my team is probably pretty nice right now.
5. Trey McBride – underwhelming so far but I’m still optimistic here. TEs suck in general.
6. Kyler Murray – cautiously optimistic that the Cardinals become the NFC Bengals, bad defense, (hopefully) good offense, and every game becomes a shootout.
7. George Pickens – I still love this pick but Justin fields blows.
8. Xavier Worthy – This is where it goes downhill. My enthusiasm lasted for one week. I knew he was gonna be boom or bust but let people talk me in to not trading him immediately.
9. Devin Singletary – This was my Hero RB target (along with guys like Brian Robinson and James Conner…hindsight is 50/50). He has been …fine for where I drafted him I suppose. If Tracy takes over, I will be very mad since I had Tracy on my Dynasty roster.
10. Jaxon Smith-Njigba – Fuck this dude, seriously. Glad I traded him to Shrooms. He on my Gabe Davis list.
11. Chase Brown – actually a good late round pick it seems right now. Below is my combine sleepers list from 2023 of guys I liked.
Not sure Charbonnet really counts as a sleeper, but this is still nice. Maybe I could scout RBs for a bum team like the Patriots or Giants.
12. Trey Benson – hasn’t sniffed the field….yet.
13. Jaylen Wright – the only dolphins running back who isn’t injury prone. Hoping he can take over the Mostert role by EOS.
14. Jake Ferguson – not sure why he dropped in the draft. This was a great pick but I unfortunately had to drop him because of AJ Brown getting injured and being doubtful in advance only MNF. Glad CJ gifted me a backup in Kyle Pitts for free.
15. Ty Chandler – Another handcuff to an injury prone RB. This could be a good pick in a week or two.
Kicker: fuck all kickers and fuck you all for keeping them in this stupid game. Disgrace to the sport that these skinny fucks have the power to decide games.
B.
StooLs power rankings-
1. Bellott – def not going .500 2. Ali – WRs for daysssss 3. John 4. Zack 5. Dan 6. Tom 7. CJ 8. StooL – sniff 9. Jack – sniff sniff 10. Shrooms – peeeyew
Yes, I feel like currently have a better team than Shrooms and Jack and the PF reflect that. Good news is: After the Waddle trade, I have 5 of my pre-season top 25 wide receivers. Doesn’t matter much what my preseason ranks were at this stage. Yes I suck, and will likely be phony, but it’s life.
This week yours truly regressed back to my norm, aka scoring less than 100 points. However it was against gypsy man aLi, who no one scores 100 against, so honestly my team could still be back! (Its not). This week will be more of the same.
Jack finally snapped his losing streak and Ltom has a one way ticket to the phony bracket. This week we get the battLe of the bums with Ltom vs Bose. Will this be a preview of the Lpats vs the Lmen??
CJ (best team) once again had a great week and was the highest scorer. Our bud Shroomies got a taste of his own medicine going up against 145 points. Regardless, both of these teams are pretty much a lock for playoffs.
Dan put up a good effort against strohL but can’t escape his destiny. Meanwhile strohL must have learned some of aLi’s gypsy magic because his PA is also very sus.
Zack had a real tough loss against John this week. 120 points wasn’t enough to do it this week and that hurts when you’re at the bottom of the standings. Don’t worry bud, Dan and I are coming to keep you company.
Well fellas we’ve reached THAT point in the season. Injuries have been here, I don’t need to tell you that, but what’s also here is we have arrived to the thick of bye weeks. It couldn’t have come at a juicier time considering the logjam at the bottom of the standings and the cream at the top.
With this being the case though, don’t be surprised if trading comes screeching to a halt. Now normally, trading is tough because by this point nobody in #ThisLeague trusts anybody. Now, you add on the fact that literally everybody’s starting second flex this week is objectively hilarious, and it looks like everyone is keen to just sit back and hope for the best.
You also can’t help but notice #ThisLeague is suddenly devoid of gangsters at the moment. Funny how that goes.
But it is ok! The contenders for Big Brain Bowl X are starting to emerge, the tons of fun Phony bracket is starting to take shape, and a couple teams have declared they’re #back. Just like the Longhorns.
So get ready to hook ’em in the groupme gentlemen. The shit talking is about to reach new heights (or depths) in the coming weeks. Toxic City populations bums.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Upcoming Schedule
Dr. StooL’s Week 8 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+225 – Bose – Sometimes a doctor knows there’s not much more he can do except keep a patient comfortable. Bellott is one of those patients. He will have good days; he will have bad days from here until the end. Come Week 15 the chickens of a team poorly drafted will come home to roost. Normally I would prescribe morphine for a patient like this – but Bellz may choose a greener option to tolerate the rest of the season.
+300 – Candy Man Dan – “The memories of how we did it will fade, and all we’ll remember is that we won the war.” You may say: Jeez, StooL is a learned man (with all those letters behind his name), that quote must be from a famous military strategist like Sun Tzu, Patton, or Winston Churchill. All wrong. I made that quote up right now sitting on my couch thinking about what happened earlier this week. And no I’m not referring to me snatching victory from the Jaws of defeat on Monday night. I’m referring to the rat bastard kid that stole Dan’s candy. Sure, she got caught, but did she put any back? I don’t think so. Dan will lose again this week without Amon Ra and CMC.
+350 – Champ Z – Currently at the bottom looking up, The Flushies have scored more points than the two aforementioned phony bracket contenders. HM Ltom avoids this list by mere PF decimals and that “3” in the win column. Zack’s a lock for the phony bracket but I consider him Bran Stark through season 5 of Game of Thrones. I’d bet my life on him not being King…I really should finish the last season of that I guess.
Bose got pulled out another lucky win against L boy Jack. All it took was a Monty injury and garbage time for Gibbs to wake up. Jack is currently on a 5 game losing streak with no end in sight. At least Jack was able to offload some of his bums to LphonyJ.
aLi lost to CJ and now understands why CJ is Bose’s top ranked team. aLi needs a bounce back this week against Bose to retain his “best team” status.
Tom had a good week this week against Dan! He finally exceeded his projected points for the first time this season. Dan had a lucky streak for a couple weeks that looks like it’s coming to an end. Dan and Tom are both 3-4, this will be a big week for both of them.
Shroomies returned to his roller coaster building this week with another big showing against LphonyJ Spots. John has been a little unLucky! this year and the panic is starting to set in. TradeMasterJ was making moves after his loss this week.
StrohL was the highest scoring team this week. He was playing the lowest scoring team in Zack so it was kinda irrelevant other than the cash he got. He’s got Dan this week and is the highest projected score for the whole season so far, so it’ll probably be another bLood bath.
Lost in the MF Sauce
Hmph. Should have written his 2 sentence Lcommissioner Lcorner instead!
They say that water always finds its level. That’s true in both the reality of football and the fantasy of football. We were so graciously told that last week was opposite week so we can just act like Fabolous and throw it in the bag.
In the NFL, the fun in the sun Miami Dolphins offense was suffocated by a Philadelphia Eagles defense all of a sudden rounding into form, which some say might just be legit. Meanwhile, the 40-WHINERS (rofl) got carved up by primetime Kirk without Jettas to drop two straight, and all of a sudden the Eagles and Chefs have the best records in football.
For #ThisLeague, the cream is rising to the top since at the end of the day cash rules everything around us while the race for Phony is starting to take shape.
As such, trade season seems to be ramping up as bums try not to bum, while some teams at the top try to stay there with trades, even if they may be a bit… unnecessary? Anyhoo, the meat and potatoes of the season is here, and while the water is at its level for now, calm waves don’t make good sailors gentlemen. Put your anchors away.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Upcoming Schedule
Dr. StooL’s Week 7 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+245 – Dr. Spots – The weather is cooling, the leaves are turning, and you know what that means…. It’s officially TradeMasterJSnz. The reigning King Phony is pushing all his chips in to retain his crown. He gifted the man with no WRs an actual WR thereby elevating Ooga Booga off this list. I’ll say it: Dr. “I really needed a tightend guys” is gonna need to really to tighten(d) up those clown shoes for a 5K.
+310 – Champ Z – There has been some talk about members of this league running for president of the good ol’ US and A. And while I think others may have good attributes for the job, I really think Biden could learn a thing or two from Zack. Most importantly, knowing when you are on the downhill and a shell of your former self, especially before your second term on top. We are looking at “Champ Z” transitioning to “Chomp Z” at his local 24-hour waffle serving establishment of choice.
+440 – Eternal Optimist Dan – The Nits look horrible, he’s last in PF, no one listens to his instructions on suicide leagues, and somehow he finds it within himself to get up every morning and be an optimistic light in the world. Unfortunately for Daniel, here on earth his team stinks, he won’t make a trade with me to help his team (he still thinks he can avoid the phony bracket as-is), and he is one fully torn oblique muscle away from being minus odds for phony. A request: Mr. Danimal, set your over/under time for running a 5k in clown shoes. I will take the over, because whatever line you set will be inherently optimistic!
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 6
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 7 John got fLeeced again Edition
Happy Friday feLLas & welcome to the newest installment of “John Got fLeeced!” Right when we thought it couldn’t get worse after Dr. Lphonybum traded away Achane for two useLess handcuffs… he trades for a useLess SF tight end, who coincidentaLLy catches baLLs from his favorite QB B ROCK! Deebo AND Kittle on the same Lsquad? Poor guy has no idea he is COOKed & on track to defend his Lphony title. BeLLs there’s hope for you after all bud.
Not only is this installment dedicated to our Lbud, it’s also featuring a shit load of new props & parlays for all you phony buds to feast on! Let’s win all the fuckin money!! OogAyuH!
We’re going to try something new here instead of Phony of the week. Instead, you can enjoy a weekly recap, straight from the mind of Bose. Remember, I do not watch football and my brain is full of gibs so this may or may not be accurate.
This week Bose pulled off a big win against maybe the best team in the league. Bose has no players in the top weekly scorers and no top 10 season flex and qbs. My top player this week was Butker (we love kickers!!) and yet still managed to pull off the highest score of the week. We back baby!!
Dan won a big game against LsLeepy bud Jack this week putting him at 3-3 and out of the 2-4 thunderdome. This isn’t really surprising considering what we all know about Jack’s team. Jack is on a 4 game losing streak after proclaiming he has the unLucky! curse this year.
LphonybumJ spent a lot of time on the un-happy couch this week after losing to his roommate aLi and watching the eagLes lose to Zach WiLson and the Lets. aLi found some gypsy magic this year to grant himself lowest PA. Meanwhile John is apparently 1 TE away from being back in a big way.
After a huge week last week Champ Z regressed back to his true form. Tom got a good win but he is still stuck in the 2-4 thunderdome with the rest of the @bums. Tom is still the only team who hasn’t exceeded a value of 1 on the performance tracker. 0.997 this week, so close!
StrohL got lucky this week that Shroomies team took a shit. Shroomies lines on the various plots are hilarious. He looks like he is building a new ride in roLLer coaster tycoon. Something something bye weeks and injuries…….
You know I was set to hold my team accountable by trying to explain to everyone just what went wrong with my ballclub. After all, it was the first week that truly mattered since bye weeks are upon us and we’ve all been hit by the injury bug. Plus, we were playing the only other team in the history of #ThisLeague that can call himself a two-time champ. Alas, we took the week off and are now here to face the music. But is is actually ok! Because while this week did matter that same two-time champ GM I was playing informed us that this past week was both backwards and opposite.
All is forgiven. Anyhoo, since this was my first week back in the office after paternity leave, it was hard to properly meme/caption another real wrasslin video. So this will have to suffice. Basically, I’m Vince McMahon since I was driving home from Rehoboth during the 1:00 window thinking everything was ok. You’re all the real wrestlers watching me and feeling just awful for your Oracle. The ending where I/Vinny Mac get into the limo sums up our week as a team. Enjoy. Unless of course someone filmed me setting my lineup…
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Upcoming Schedule
Dr. StooL’s Week 6 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+265 – Bose – In what may seem like one of the all time miracles in fantasy football, Bellott’s phony team was able to post the high score last week. Bellott is also a fan of the known-cheaters Patriots and the new-cheaters Michigan. So was it really a miracle that his scrub squad won? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. If we find out someone here is cheating, to the phony pit with them!
+400 – Ooga Booga – Any time you throw up an 87 to drop into a tie for last place, you know you are gonna end up being diagnosed by the Doctor. I’ve been saying for a long time, Jack’s squad lacks upside and loose hammy’s. Raheem Mostert is the only player on his team with a chance of scoring 20+. It’s almost like it isn’t a good idea to just keep drafting running backs! I can tell you that from experience. Nico Collins is gonna have to drag him out of the phony pit to avoid the loser’s bracket.
+400 – Champ Z – Any time you throw up an 87 to drop into a tie for last place, you know you are gonna end up being diagnosed by the Doctor. But since we are playing each other this week, AND I just traded my players to Zack (so you know they are about to go off) I will decline to say anything negative about his team that could come back to bite me. Something like that would be reminiscent of Mr. Smith-Schuster’s Patriots tenure (aka “Bad JuJu”). I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 6
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 6 #LshroomsLogic Edition
Sorry fellas I took a long snooze last week & missed getting anything out. Dr. OogaJ upped my addy dosage & the comedown was worse than anticipated. But that is ok! because I woke up & the Lpats still stink! I’m setting the O/U at 5 for how many games until Lmac Truck gets benched. Hammer the under! In honor of Lshrooms sharing his most insightful & definitely not egregious logic with us to date (NOT!), this week will feature all Lpats players! Since technically the Lpats never acccckkkktuually cheated since they were always very good after they were caught cheating! #LshroomsLogic.
HOOVER HOLE
Lmac Truck Jones: U 181.5 Pass Yards (-114) vs BUF
Lmac barely scraped up enough yards last week to hit 200, but that was against a god awful Las Vegas Raiders squad with one of the worst secondaries in the league. The two weeks prior, he threw for 110 against the Saints & 151 against DaLLas. Buffalo has a legitimate defense that will be hungry for a redemption game after allowing the Lmen to score 9 points on them last week. Final score prediction 38-3 Buffalo (+28000).
Lmac Truck Jones: O 0.5 Interceptions (-154) vs BUF
It’s unfortunate fanduel doesn’t allow Alt Interceptions because (assuming BiLL refuses to bench him) I would raise it up to a guaranteed 2 interceptions with a probable pick six. Buffalo has 9 interceptions in 6 games this season & I expect that number to continue to rise.
Gabe Davis: 4 Alt Receptions (+142), 60 Rec Yards (+220), & 1 TD (+240)
Yeah no surprise here. We all know that I have by far the worst team in the League…. and that is OK! Oh no! Not the hot chip! Anyway, since my team is so bad, and for the sake of my own mental health and this newsletter, I am not going to be putting myself here every week. In fact, just assume I am Phony of the week every week. You will however guarantee yourself a 1 way ticket to this spot if you happen to lose to me this year. Just like the Patriots, we both got our 1 win so no naked lap!!
Honorable Mention
LphonyJ
John looks like he missed the phony bracket so much he is trying his best to keep his seat in the Lpit. His team is entirely reliant on eagLes players (big surprise) and he is low in PF and PA. The good news is he is better than beLLz, Ldan, and Ltom so he has an opportunity to banish another bum to the phony reaLm instead.
Lost in the MF Sauce
Players to Watch
imma come clean
So I have no idea when this will be available for your viewing pleasure, so I had to write a lil sum sum real quick that I was most sure that would stay relevant by the time your wandering eyes got to this section of the Newsletter.
The Dallas Cowboys are Charmin soft. They are that Parsons, sorry, PERSON on the playground/locker room that would bully and/or hazed those that were weaker. Then, once a team/COVID came around that could fight back, they opted out of the season, or would just get pounded into submission. That’s just what happened when the 49ers played the Cowboys, which now feels like an eternity ago, but their defense was exposed, as were the best players on it, and don’t even get me going on Dak and the offense. I know it was forever since that game was played, but when it comes to the Newsletter, it’s life.
As far as fantasy goes, I really felt emotional after playing my one of my goodest bud buds in Chizzy. So, this weeks real wrasslin video does a good job of reflecting that. In my humble and objective feeling of course.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
Dr. StooL’s Week 5 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+165 – Bose – Slowly trending toward even money… Anyone have any thoughts on a phony jersey for Alexander? I’m thinking it may have to be a Garrett Wilson Jets jersey for our resident Patriots fan! The other options would be the real men who ruined Bose’s season (although not on his team, but definitely more embarrassing) Zach Wilson or Aaron Rodgers. Last, but not least, maybe Stefon Diggs? Discuss amongst yourselves.
+375 – Ltom – I’m starting to feel bad for Tom. Not because his team is bad, that’s his own fault. I feel bad because it is obvious that he still does not recognize that his team is bad! Let this be your InterventionJ. Your team is bad and you need help. Let some of your friends help you! Maybe we can trade just to trade, i.e. Daboll and Daniel Jones for Belichick and a 3rd.
+550 – Dr. Spots – Hello darkness my old friend Welcome back to the basement slim! While John is (barely) outside the bottom 3 in the real standings, he remains there in our hearts. A matchup with the magic man Ali does not bode well for his team scoring more than 100 points. This is going to be a long, slow burn to the bottom for John, which is why I haven’t picked up my crock pot yet. By this time next week, it may officially be TradeMasterJSzn.
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 6
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 6 Edition
Jack ran out of addy this week and couldn’t stay awake long enough to write his section this week, even with 2 extra days. Hopefully his plug can hook him up in time for next week.
Well well well who do we have here but our good bud Ltom. Half of Bose’s team didn’t catch a pass this week and Tom still managed to lock down the lowest score of the week. Through 4 weeks, Tom has yet to exceed his weekly projected score. Will he ever??? Stay tuned…
Honorable Mention
beLLz
Yeah no surprise here. See above. Half my team started their bye a week early. I’m pretty much a lock for phony bracket this year but that doesn’t mean I can’t spoil things for you other bums.
Lost in the MF Sauce
Players to Watch
imma come clean
Alright gentlemen. We’ve made it. The real season is here. Why? Well, because bye weeks are upon us, and it’s time to see what everyone is truly made of when it comes to their #GMing.
The injury bug also plays a big part, but I don’t need to tell anyone that, since it’s already taken several chomps.
Despite this, many have already begun chirping about their teams. Good or bad. Naturally, many have already proclaimed to have the best team (as of course is tradition) while Oracles prefer the lasagna approach. You know, speak softly and carry a big stick. That old chestnut.
However, that doesn’t mean victory laps aren’t in order.
Stefon Diggs has already been touched on. Injury or not, a top five WR in both fantasy and reality as a second round keeper was highway robbery. A value chart doesn’t need to tell you that so no need to overthink it. As an aside, many in #ThisLeague can attest that the Oracle was shopping Wilson in the offseason. Because Jets.
Then there’s another lap to trot. And it involves Mr. Jack Attack.
We all know that Ooga decided to Booga after beating me in a meaningless regular season game way back in 2020, and created his own website to celebrate. Since that happened? Well, thank you for asking. He went on to lose to me in the playoffs only for me to win the whole shebangabang that year. That’s not all! In the years that followed, Davante Adams demanded out of Green Bay to join his favorite team, then Aaron Rodgers left as well after more playoff collapses. Elsewhere, Coach K retired, Barcelona is at war with the government, and the Yankees fell off a cliff.
Of course some say Neanderthals are notoriously slow learners, so after being insufferable for no reason after the World Series and Super Bowl, the biggest beatdown in the history of #ThisLeague was in order. So before the real season starts, one more victory lap before we’re all business.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
Dr. StooL’s Week 4 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+200 – Bose – Let’s get a picture of that British bitch in here because Bellz, you are the weakest link, and a (not so) good bye. Ken Walker is out and this presents a chance for Dan to add a tiebreaker advantage in a head to head. I don’t see any way out of the phony L pit of misery bracket if you go 1-4, so it may be time for Bose to start planning for weeks 15-17. The earlier you admit you have a problem the easier it is to correct it! Trust me, I’m a doctor.
+415 – Ltom – Speaking of admitting to problems, I think Tom is having a hard time admitting to his draft mistakes. Darren Waller has been terrible, it’s early but Quentin Johnson looks like another TCU WR bust, and Kareem Hunt may just not be any good. In fact, Mr. computer meme man, can we get a mean girls meme going with Rachel McAdams telling Tommy “Stop trying to make (insert bum here) happen, it isn’t going to happen.”
+600 – Ooga Booga – My problem with Jack’s team is this: Who the fuck can you count on to score 15+ points outside of Ekeler? Not Barkley (for now), James Cook, Aaron Jones, or the WRs. Mostert really carried Jack in the first few weeks but I think Achane is taking enough of the carries to fuck that up. If only someone could have foreseen this team being bad! Jack’s team is spiraling toward the phony bracket like his sunglasses spiraled when CJ peed on them the flushed it.
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 4
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 4 Edition
WOW A LOTTA HATERS in #ThisLeague that wanna see me fail! It’s fine… I’m used to it u bigL Loser bums (especiaLLY StooL). Since BeLLs wants this in his hands Thursday mornings now when he knows I can’t finish until late Friday, this is what you get. Recapping last week: Achane lived up to the hype & over-exceeded my high expectations, hitting both lines & putting money in my pocket. Jefferson hit on his touchdowns but Kirk bum still can’t figure out how to get him the ball the necessary amount of times to win games. LOVE seeing Minnesota at the bottom of the division, so no more Jefferson bets. & lastly, Swift got his touchdown, but the sheagLes decided on a different pass-heavy game script. 4/6 I’ll take it.
For a third straight week, I’m riding the Achane Train! I am dialing it back a bit with the anticipation the Dolphins want to keep Mosthurt feeling relevant. Consider this a bankroll builder, but with them playing the Lmen, feel free to double down on it too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran for another 100 with 2 TDs for a third straight week.
Nico Collins TD (+200) & 100 Rec Yards (+390) vs. JAX (London Game) Parlay: +653 I’m throwing Nico Collins on here this week not only because I have him starting & I wanna see some production, but also because I firmly believe he IS the guy in Texas with CJ Stroud. One down week of Tank Dell getting the ball & it was back to regularly scheduled programming last week (7/168/2). This should be a guarantee week in & week out with the way Stroud has been slinging the pigskin. Tail these lines with confidence.
Personally, I think it’s borderline asinine that these lines are as low as they are after Derek Loser Bum showed last week he’s unable to throw the ball further than 5 yards. I mean come on… Kamara had 13 receptions for 33 yards!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. New record for most receptions with the least amount of receiving yards (previous was 70 yards). It’s obvious Carr 1. Isn’t a QB & 2. Doesn’t have the shoulder strength back yet. Expect another heavy dose of Kamara in the pass against the Lpats this weekend & absolutely hammer these lines!
You might be wondering “Why is the league leader phony of the week? He is 3-0?” Just like nfL power rankings, our current standings can be deceiving. aLi might be 3-0 but when you dig into his stats, they start to look a lil sus. He is averaging less than 90 PA/G and only 1.7 points above league average. He also has a game under 100 points but is still 3-0. Will we see aLi here again? Maybe not. But through 3 weeks, there are better teams.
Honorable Mention
Ltom
Tom has yet to exceed his projected score and his rbs are a mess. No surprise seeing Tom here as he has been a leading prince phony since draft day.
Players to Watch
imma come clean
When it comes to coming clean, there isn’t anything much cleaner than facts. We’re gonna try something a lil different this trip around the sun; and look at some cold hard facts surrounding this football season that you may find fun. Of course, not all of those will be completely objective, as subjectivity is at the core of what makes #ThisLeague as prestigious as it is. As such, you may find that influenced here. All of these will be appreciated by the members given the banter we have in the GroupMe on the daily. Now then, let’s take a look at some Football Fun Facts:
– T.J. Watt leads the league in sacks, forced fumbles, and fumble recoveries
– On a related note, the Cardinals further exposed the blueprint the Eagles laid out last year, which is that Micah Parsons struggles against the run, particularly when said run is literally right at him. Not the best trait to posses when every network tries to tell us you’re Lawrence Taylor and an actual MVP candidate when they’re grasping for straws trying to hype up the Cowboys
– Both football teams, college and pro, based in Miami are undefeated
– As a bonus, Miami and the Nits are both undefeated as well. Which could be worth a few yucks down the road depending on if that narrative fits the Nits vision of what’s funny for who they want my favorite college football program to be
– There aren’t many uplifting signs of this changing this year: The Ravens, Giants and Packers most recent Super Bowls all occurred within one year of each other in a three year stretch. That stretch started over a decade ago. Makes you think
– Jalen Carter will win DROY over Christian Gonzalez because Gonzo isn’t a flashy enough corner to beat a monster in the middle of the trenches. Like say, Sauce Gardner is
– Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are currently dating
– Nothing in football matters yet. Fantasy or reality.
So there you have it. I think I speak for everyone when I say that went very well. Quite enlightening.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+350 – Champ Z – It’s not great, is it? Zacky appears to be the weak link this year. 0-3 and heading straight for the phony bowl. Champ Z’s team blew up last year, and there is a decent chance it blows up the other way after this weekend, if you know what I mean. +400 – Ooga Booga – Our resident caveman has come back to earth from his cocaine high. His team is starting to get healthy, but as we know the blue tent has a revolving door! Who will be next? No one knows. Have I mentioned that he will be starting George Pickens, Justin Fields, and Courtland Sutton every week?
+600 – Dr. Spots – The bummish makes a re-appearance on the Phony odds shortlist. This dude traded The A-Train for bum handcuffs and I’m not sure why. His team doesn’t look that bad, but it doesn’t really score any points and that’s all that really matters. He thinks his lineup is “set it and forget it” now, but it may be just “forget it.”
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 1
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 3 Edition
God damn did it feel good this morning to wake up knowing the Packers play the fucking Lions tonight. If BeLLs PaLLsy was anything like StooL, he’d be a shitty Lions fan since he lives in that ugly ass city. But, then again, nobody really knows what team StooL actually likes. Probably Miami (again) until Tua gets his mush brain sent into retirement in a couple weeks. Lshrooms is low key praying he never has to write a column for one of the Lions websites or he’ll HAVE to be a fan too!! What an awful time it’d be to be in #ThisLeague with 3 obligatory Lions fans in here. Thank god hypotheticals don’t exist. Read that last sentence again StooL.
Now before anybody says they told me so about FieLds, you were all right. Mfer can’t throw a football more than 10 yards accurately. Trash pick last week that will never be repeated. On the other hand, Stroud came through (as expected) & Jefferson was a SINGLE YARD away from 150 rec yards (& $500+ in my bank account). Thanks for being such a sharing quarterback Kirk. Bum. Y’all lost to the Chargers with Joshua $32 Kelley. Might as well throw in the towel already because there’s no chance in hell they’re beating out the Packers for the NFC North title this year. The bigL pit is anxiously awaiting their arrival! Just ask BabyL for directions…he’s been vacationing down there every year with his buddy BradLey BeaL since 2017!
Well I’ve gotten way off base with this intro…so let’s get into it, shall we?
Miami exploded for 70 points last week against the Broncos. While the blowout didn’t come as a surprise, Achane’s 4 touchdowns sure as fuck did! Apparently Lphonybum Johnny missed the highlights or he wouldn’t have sold him for two garbage handcuffs (one on the Broncos LOL) that won’t do a damn thing except rot on his bench. Big brain move from our favorite reigning & flourishing Phonybum commissioner. While Lboy might not see any value in Achane, I sure do. I expect he will be heavily involved in the ground attack again this Sunday against the underachieving Bills, & with that he will score an easy 2 on the ground with plenty of rushing yards to compliment…once again taking valuable fantasy points away from Mosthurt.
Justin Jefferson 2 TDs (+600) & 150 Rec Yards (+360) @ CAR Parlay: +1095 I’m running this line back again from last week not because I’m saLty about it, but rather very unfulfilled with the Vikings execution in the last few minutes of the game. This should have EASILY hit had Kirk bum looked the right way (Jefferson’s) when it mattered most. Instead, he didn’t, & they lost in glorious VIkings fashion. He won’t make that mistake two weeks in a row…especially against a pathetic Carolina team that’s getting their franchise bum Bryce Young back from injury.
D’Andre Swift TD (+105) & 100 Rush Yards (+290) vs. WSH
Parlay: +413
Once again, the books are disrespecting D’Andre Swift & his proven ability to carve up defenses. This almost seems too easy…so easy that I refuse to go any higher than 1 TD because I know Hurts will snag at least one rugby try, I mean completely legal & well liked around the league 1 yard rushing TD, from Swift at some point throughout the game. Hammer these lines as hard as CJ hammers his lines every morning before work.
Bonus Pick: NFL Weekly Specials – Highest Scoring Team – Sunday Only
Miami Dolphins (+1600) @ BUF
TOILET BOWL
I’m not a big fan of rooting for people to not be as successful as they can be, so instead I’ll stick with rooting for garbage teams & coaches to continue to be their true selves (you already know who is coming).
NY Giants (+1.5) vs SEA
NY Jets (+8.5) vs KC
Home field advantage doesn’t apply to flaming piles of garbage. If you’re going to gamble your hard earned money on either of these dumpster fires, make sure you DON’T take these lines. Hammer the opposite with absolute confidence.
VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s
I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way. Projected Points Scored by Week Actual Points Scored by Week Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week
For the second week in a row, the honor of Biggest Phony of the Week goes to……… our bud Zack!! 81 points this week, averaging 75 points a game through 2 weeks, and points against less than 100/game. Don’t worry though Zacky, you get to play BeLLz this week.
Honorable Mention
beLLz + Ldan
Another back to back week under 100 points and the future IS NOT looking any brighter. Chances are pretty high we will see these 3 phony’s here on a week to week basis.
Players to Watch
imma come clean
We are officially BACK back in the greatest way. Week deuce is in the books, and it’s one of my personal favorite times of the year, as DaLLas fans are feeling themselves earlier than usual, claiming that THIS will be the year they make it out of the second round (some of us feel this way about our hoops team). Of course they’re feeling extra giddy because the one they claim is the best defender in football, Micah Parsons, who famously decided he had better things to do in 2020, made a case for himself by scooping up a fumble, and taking it all the way to the end zone late in the fourth quarter for the winning touchdown. Thus, giving his team victory on primetime despite the heated competition and his anemic offense.
Hang on, we’re being told that was actually TJ Watt. How embarrassing.
Speaking of being back, Dr. Spots and DJ Dasta also proved that they filed a claim at the We’re Back department, following up their strong week one performances with resounding victories in week two.
It’s this type of consistency with their strongest drafted lineup that makes them a threat, and why we should remember who they are.
Hang on, we’re getting another call from Quality Control…
Ah.
Well then. It appears that we made ANOTHER faux pas, and that two of my favorite residents of 1320 actually scored well under 90 points in week one, so we don’t actually know what the outlier here is.
Silver lining, there’s a lot of ball left, and some even believe week one (or even two) don’t matter. Another silver lining here is that my OTHER favorite 1320 tenant, Tommy Toes, has Kareem Hunt and Cooper Kupp waiting in the wings. So that should be tons of fun.
I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait to see what week three, which should matter, has in store. Hopefully my column won’t have as many errors either. So sorry about that.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+275 – Birthday Boy Bose – I think this guy may have told his secret birthday wish (finally winning the fantasy chip) to someone. It’s too bad really, because after the Garrett Wilson trade with Shroomies, I thought Bellott had a great team. Since he got handed the Nick Chubb L (shaped leg), along with Wilson throwing to Wilson instead of Rodgers throwing to Wilson, this team looks about as under water as the sphinx in 10,500 BC.
+325 – Champ Z – The hits just keep on coming. Almost 100 fewer PF than Ooga Booga, Nick Chubb (real life, not fantasy), Cam LAkers in purgatory, not to mention Najee just kinda stinks. Champ Z’s title defense is looking more like a Dan than a Stool (B2B). The only saving grace here is that Zack has a few theoretically elite players that haven’t performed well yet. I still give him a chance to turn it around.
+500 – Ooga Booga – I’m not sure how we’ve found ourselves here, but alas. Jack is 2-0, has the highest PF, and yet – I don’t buy it. This dude is going to start Nico Collins and George Pickens every week. The RBs look nice until you realize three of them are injured (until who knows when) and the fourth will be JT’s backup after a trade in week 5. I forsee this team dropping its proverbial sunglasses in the toilet bowl.
Dr. Stool M.D., P.G.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 1
HOOVER HOLE
Justin Jefferson 150+ rec yds: +390 2TDs: +650 Parlay: +1402
Jefferson is looking to be the first player with 150 receiving yards in 3 straight games. Without much else offense on a pathetic Vikings squad, expect the same outcome from Jefferson this week with them leaning HEAVILY on him.
Stroud exploded for 384 passing yards last week with a pair of TDs. It seems he’s adjusting to the NFL faster than expected & building rapport with his WR core. Expect this trend to continue as Stroud continues to develop & the run game remains nonexistent.
This man called out his coaches for turning him into a robo QB… & they agreed. It’s gonna be an all out attack on the ground tomorrow for Fields & the Bears. No more lingering in the pocket. As soon as he doesn’t see somebody open (he won’t bc he stinks), expect him to take off for multiple 20 yards runs & topping 100 yards easy. Tack on at least one TD for good measure.
Parlay everything: +61587
Toilet Bowl
Anything Lets or Panthers
Do I really need to explain why we don’t need to bother touching these team with a 12 foot pole?
-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz
VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s
I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way. Projected Points Scored by Week Actual Points Scored by Week Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week
I don’t even need to tell you why this week, just look at the scoreboard. The reigning champ put up a whopping 68 points to start the season. Better hope your team turns it around or it’s going to be a LLLong season.
Honorable Mention
@bums who Lost this week + aLi
6 teams scored less than 100 points this week. I think that’s a new League record for week 1. Normally this would be concerning. However as we all know, week 1 does not matter!
Players to Watch
imma come clean
We are finally underway and the toxicity is flowing faster than a starburst flavored beverage in #ThisLeague. There’s a lot we could talk about, such as me getting clowned for yet another pre-draft trade, the stinkeroo that was the battle of our last two champions, Strohl being Strohl, or the fact that Jack’s team snapped. So many fireworks in so little time of actual football being played.
BUT
Just like the adage goes that nothing said before the word “but” matters, the same can be said for week one. It doesn’t matter! With week 18 replacing week four of preseason, the most out of pocket stuff usually goes down, and rarely ever reflects the season as a whole. The real season is on the horizon, and as a very handsome, and fertile, Oracle likes to say, everyone’s a gangster before bye weeks and injuries start. Speaking of which, check in on your running backs and make sure they’re alright. A lot of valuable draft capital was used on the position.
Until next time when things actually matter.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis
+200 – Dr. Spots – Not much to like about my fellow Dr.’s team. He will rely heavily on Hurts, Bijan, and Batman to keep his nose above water. Excuse the metaphor, but they are the final three tendon strands of Rodgers’s Achilles entering the 4th play of the game.
+400 – Ooga Booga – I may be a doctor, but I don’t play one on TV and I am pitching a GIANT blue tent right now. This team is cooked. All injured running backs, no WRs makes this team…good enough for +400.
+550 – Got Gibbs? – This team is one more injury from dire straights. Tommy may be fine if Kupp comes back or if Kareem Hunt finds a team, but otherwise don’t let Week 1 fool you.
CJ’s Radio Show
Addy Lines with Ooga Booga Week 1
Boy does it feel good to get these addy-less fingers going after a long off-season. I haven’t touched an upper since LphonyJ shoved black market smelling salts in my nose & force fed me barbershop cocaine. It’s no wonder I smoked Tom in ping pong & took a snooze on the toilet afterwards. Ah, good times. Also wanna give a quick shoutout to the phony who pissed on my sunglasses in the toilet. Very well might’ve been me, so in that case shoutout ya boi Ooga! Y’all are in for a treat today because not only did the Ooga gods bless me with the best fantasy team (til they’re all hurt), they also blessed me with the best & worst addy lines for the week. Don’t tell AddyJ… but my shit is much better. OogAyuH!!
HOOVER HOLE
TB Buccaneers (-2.5) vs CHI
The amount of disrespect Zack’s ex boyfriend Baker bum gets continues to blow my mind. Sure, Justin Fields can run the ball some, but have you seen that TB front line? No way in hell Chicago comes outta Tampa with a win… especially after getting absolutely molly-whopped at home by Green Bay last week (LOVEd that). Do yourselves a favor & get your favorite plate, heat it up in the microwave, line up your fattest line & hoover that bitch straight up your nose hole because we are taking Vegas for everything they owe us back from last week!
Los Angeles Chargers (-3) @ TEN
Is Vegas just giving us money this week or are there just an insane amount of idiots betting on a Derrick Henry comeback game? No way this can come back to haunt me or anything… but forreal this line seems way too weak for a team that just put up 34 against a decent defense. Not to mention they’re up against a pathetic offense in Tennessee that couldn’t score a single touchdown in week 1. I know what you’re thinking- it’s Justin Herbert & Mr. 200% why would I put any trust in them? Because BabyL is starting Mr. 200% & he owns Vegas. It’s no coincidence. So go to the bank, withdraw everything, go to your barbershop & take them for EVERYTHING they own. It’s only a matter of time before the books accurately reflect how piss poor Tannebum & that offense is… so hoover it up while you still can!
TOILET BOWL
NY Giants (o22.5 Total Points) @ AZ
I’m not sure I’ve stopped laughing about how god awful the Lmen were on Sunday night. I take that back- I stopped laughing as soon as I remembered I’m stuck with the 2nd worst keeper of this year (sorry StooL, but there’s no coming back from donut Lee Higgins). The worst RB1 in the league L boy dunce man showed his true colors & nobody was surprised. Not even Tom… but that’s because he’s already used to shitting on his team’s superstars to make himself feel better about their nonexistent championship hopes. JUUUUULIUS!! Everyone who picked up from AddyJ, do yourselves a favor & flush those mids down the toilet bowl. If LphonyJ or aLi time it right, they might catch Tom doing the same.
NY Jets (+9.5) @DAL
Down goes AAron & up rose the Lets to a miracle win in OT against the league’s biggest underachievers, the Josh aLLen led biLLs. I can confidently say that the Ooga gods favored the Lets on Monday night. Unfortunately, that’s the last time a miracle like that will happen for them. DaLLas just smoked the Lmen in embarrassing fashion. In case you forgot (Tom & aLi), the final score was 40-0 & L boy dunce man set a new record that no TEAM has done in an ENTIRE SEASON. Let’s go over it shall we…
No NFL team has ever: – Lost 40-0 or worse
– Lost the sack battle 7-0 or worse
– Lost the turnover battle 3-0 (or worse)
– Had a blocked FG returned for a TD
– Threw a pick-6
In the same SEASON…
The Lmen did it all in ONE GAME!
OogAyuH!! That’s gotta hurt! Sorry L boys but even though it can only go up from here doesn’t mean it’ll translate to wins. Gotta flush L boy dunce man & his $160M bones before you’ll see a championship contending squad ever again. Sad! But true.
Alright getting back on topic- I hate to give DaLLas any credit for anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to, since the Lets will get a reality check & take a hard fall off their miracle win addy mountain. If you happen to catch any white powdery rocks falling off with them, do yourselves a favor & flush them with the Lmen bums for the rest of the season.
-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz
VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s
I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way. Projected Points Scored by Week Actual Points Scored by Week Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week
to drop into a tie for last place, you know you are gonna end up being diagnosed by the Doctor. I’ve been saying for a long time, Jack’s squad lacks upside and loose hammy’s. Raheem Mostert is the only player on his team with a chance of scoring 20+. It’s almost like it isn’t a good idea to just keep drafting running backs! I can tell you that from experience. Nico Collins is gonna have to drag him out of the phony pit to avoid the loser’s bracket.
Hello darkness my old friend
Phony Fantasy 
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