Biggest Phony of the Week

#ThisLeague

Lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!1!!

How the FUCK are you bums going to let my sorry ass team into pLayoffs!! Every single one of you is biggest Phony for this week and the entire season for letting me sneak into playoffs.

Lets recap on the journey here:
Drafted CAM L AKERS in the 4th round
Absolutely was riddled by injures for most of the regular season, most weeks with at least 1 player putting up a dud
I did not make a singLe trade even though I was told by multiple people in #ThisLeague that my team was toast and I needed to trade for Phony Bracket insurance
I had 4 weeks in a row with less than 100 points

And yet I still took that last pLayoff spot (per usuaL)….
To recap on some of the highlights, I beat Mr. 2 cents Pee Pee Pants and his partner in crime aLi twice this season, sending both to their demise. And how could we forget gLorious big brain stooL. Oh and did I mention I didn’t need to trade to saLvage my team??

Anyway…..
Enjoy the Phony Bracket L boys. Don’t ask me the rules because, well, I’ve never been there.

And for the rest of yaLL… fuck you put some respeck on my name.

Descent into Madness

Speaking of our LovabLe group of L boys, lets take a brief look into each’s descent into L madness…

Starting last and working our way up we have Lshroomies the LoracLe! The oracLe foresaw this future! It was all planned!
What do we say in #ThisLeague? Draft better! And this year Shroomies certainly did not. Pittman as your 2nd rounder and WR2, Josh ALLen (who is very good) but taken early in the 5th, Devonta Smith in the 6th, and wrapped up with Renfrow in the 8th. Yikes! you had some good pieces, but you ended up trading them or they got injured (Kupp, James Conner, Aiyuk, Pickens). This is a case of bad GMing and less of Luck. Shroomies you better start mock drafting for next year and ask CJ where he gets his book.

Next up we have former champ, aLi.
aLi only had a few questionable GMing decisions. Drafting Sutton in the 3rd, Cooks in the 6th, and Russ in the 11th. Russ not cooking (or rather strictLy cooking aLi’s team) hurt aLi early in the season. But he was able to bounce back with some good trades (dropping bums Elijah Mitchell, Aj Dillon, and Gabe Davis and fLeecing stooL for David Montgomery, George Pickens, and Rhamondre Stevenson). aLi averaged higher scoring than both Bose and StrohL, but had some bad luck including losing when he put up 162 points.

In third pLace we have Mr. ConsuLtant, consistently the best team, the Bummish himself: John WheeLer.
I hate to admit it but John was the most unLucky! this year. He was in 3 close games that he lost by less than 8 points, including a loss to Bose by 0.02 (LMFAO) in a critical must win week. Having said that, he also made some questionable GMing decisions. Keeping Lisfranc in the 1st round, drafting a WR corp of MetcaLf, Mike WiLL Didn’t Make it, JuJu, Crispy Kirk, GoLLaday, and Devante Parker. He then let his emotions get to him and traded Najee and Metcalf for Aj Brown. Let’s hope those consuLtant fees are refundable…

Last but not least we have Mr. Big Brain himself, StrohL.
StrohL almost making pLayoffs is kinda an enigma when you break it down at this point in the year. StrohL’s draft strategy was 0 WR in a WR heavy league. His first 3 WRs drafted were Terry McLaurin, Tee Higgins (keeper) and Darnell Mooney. He then proceeded to go onto making net negative trades for himself throughout the season. StrohL holds the regular season record for lowest points per game (100.8) and most games under 100 points (7, literally half of the season). It really is amazing that you were a game and a kyLer acL away from pLayoffs. If I were you StrohL, I would be very, very worried.

Well good luck to these L boys. Us kings will watch you peasants tear yourseLves apart in the Phony Thunderdome.

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Players to Watch

imma come clean

It’s been an honor writing the longest-standing section on Newsletter history, dating back to the days of it being sent out as a weekly rag via email before the days of the website. With Chanukkah right around the corner, it’s the season of giving. As such, what better way for me to give back than to get the thoughts of #ThisLeague on how the playoffs and Phony bracket will go. I’ll provide my two cents (Mr. 2 cents???) of course, and considering I barely have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of at this point, consider that a big deal. So let’s get to it gents. 

BOSE: 

Championship is going to be Jack vs Zack. Their names may rhyme but one is an angel and the other a demon. Phony bracket is going to be the battle of the big brains, Shrooms and strohL. 

Oracle’s two cents: far be it from me to guess who’s who in the championship picture, considering both have (allegedly) engaged in nefarious activity in the past. Also nice having my wumbo brain complemented. 

DANIMAL THE MANIMAL: 

Champion Prediction:

Tom – It actually was better that he lost last week, because it sets him up for a much more likely path to the championship, with an easier first round matchup and avoiding Zack’s team until the finals. He’s my pick for the new champ. 

Phony Prediction:

Strohl – Experience in the post szn matters and this guy has it. His team is dropping like fLies and Murray will end up being the nail on the coffin. He’ll act like he’s been here before and take back his rightful seat on the throne of Ls. 

Oracle’s two cents: can’t say I disagree with any of this. Dan the mf Man always keeps it a buck thou and I’m just glad I wasn’t mentioned

STOHLY POHLY OHLY: 

Bellott beats Zack, Tom Beats Dan, Tom beats Jack, CJ Beats Bellz and CJ beats Tom in the chip. 

Ali will lose to Shrooms this week and John will beat me. I will beat Ali and Shrooms to remain safe, John Will win out and Ali will end up 0-3 to be Phony. 

Oracle’s two cents: wow this mug gave a whole bracket prediction. Surely this won’t backfire on him so that’s all I’ll say about that 

COCK JOB: 

Strohl is phony 

Zack is the winner 

Oracle’s two cents: there are some that think the “C” in CJ stands for “champ”. If that’s the case, much like Chanukah it looks like the C is silent in CJ. 

MR. ATTACK: 

Dan 129.32 Tom 125.89 Zack 137.14 Bose 85.25

Jack 149.23 Dan 126.12 Zack 104.85 CJ 79.36

Jack 138.74 Zack 126.63

John 126.52 Strohl 63.12 Ali 101.99 Shroomies 77.97

Shroomies 89.73 Strohl 74.21

Strohl = Phony

Oracle’s two cents: I have nothing to add. This dude went above the call of duty with his picks to include scores with how he sees this modern warfare going. 

BORIS: 

Tom – Champion

Strohl – Phony 

Oracle’s two cents: straight to the point. It’s also his most lengthy contribution to the newsletter so there should be no complaints. 

BIG DAWG:

I’m obviously betting on myself for the chip and I think strohl gets phony 

Oracle’s two cents: who would have thought the first person to pick themselves to win the whole shebangabang is the person who is in the running for being an Angel. I don’t hear no bell ringing tho. 

TOMMY TOES:

I got Zack or the winner of Dan or my game this week in the chip and I think Zack is winning this year

Phony might be you Shrooms

Oracle’s two cents: hearing this come from  someone who was once roomies with Shroomies is tough but fair. 

THE BUMMISSIONER:

Unfortunately you Shrooms for Phony. 

If the eagles win the next two games they clinch the 1 seed so Dan might be fucked. Bc we winning lmao. I’m gonna go with Jack for champ unfortunately. 

Oracle’s two cents: It really be your own smh. Most tag teams eventually break up, but usually one goes on to win single’s titles…

#ThisLeague CONSENSUS:

CHAMP: ZACK

PHONY: STROHL

I wish you all good fortune in the wars to come. No need for screenshots or pinning here. This should be hilarious to come back to on the website. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 14 Very Objective Power Rankings

These are not predictions of who will win this week.  That is in Shroom’s column.

1.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 5) – Like the dorky girl you’ve had a crush on since Middle School who suddenly gets contacts and a makeover after you ask her to Prom, Tommy is about to get hot at the right time. His running back issues have sorted themselves and there was never really much doubt about the WRs. All of his players hitting on the right cylinders in the same week could be damn scary. If only he played Kittle on Thursday…

2.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 2) – Anyone hear about CJ’s new favorite team? EagLes? DoLphins? Nope, it’s the 49ers. Text me when that joke hits. But this ranking is less about recent performance and more about future performance. Because CJs shitshowing was so bad, I feel like the next few weeks will overcorrect. What goes down must come back up. Not to mention he has a first-round bye.

3.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 1) – I feel like Jack’s team is trending downward. The running backs he counted on all season are on bad teams and/or banged up and may end up being rested when they are out of the playoffs, not to mention Tyler Lockett and Deebo are injured for the year.  Luckily Jerick “$30” McKinnon was available! The only reason he is this high is on the list is the first round bye.

4.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 4) – If Dan can get past Tom this week, I think he has a decent shot at winning the whole shebang. His squad is sneaky good. No matter the result, Dan needs to be commended for his in-season roster moves and squad flexibility. If there is one thing we all know about Dan, he has an affinity for flexibility. When all three facets of that joke hit, text me. The Fantasy Executive of the Year Award goes to him.

5.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 3) – Zack’s squad went off last week.  TBH he was kind of due for an explode week with his slew of boom or bust players. And if Zack boomed like Hindenberg last week, he will be Kate Upton-busty this week. I don’t think Zack’s team can consistently put up the high scores necessary to beat some of the more consistent teams here.

6.       Bose – (previous ranking: 7) – As Bellz told me last week, “Whichever one of us makes it to the playoffs is toast anyways. I’m sorry to say that he was correct.  He is Toast AF. Again, these are not predictions on who will win THIS week.  Bellz has no actual chance to win the chip.

Phony Week 1 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Commish – (previous ranking: 9) – John’s squad is too good for the Phony Playoffs. Remember, the phony bracket is about being the slowest midget at the circus, and the bear only eats the shortest runner. I may be mixing my metaphors, but I think you know what I mean. Right?

2.       StooL – (previous ranking: 6) – I am fucking tired of this. Tee (glASSman) Higgins is a disease. You know who I’ve had on my team every year in the Phony Bracket.  Yeah, that man. I think my Squad is good enough at RB to save me, but the QB situation isn’t great right now.

3.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 10) – While I don’t think Shrooms team is very good, I project that he will just about sneak by. Shrooms has the unique luxury of having some decisions to make based on matchups rather than feeling like he has players that are locked in as starters. I will say, some of the names in his lineup would make me VERY nervous, but as you saw with my flexes last week, playing the matchups can really work out.

4.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 8) – Boris has had a rough year all around. Mike Evans, Aiyuk, and Rhamondre are all on the downward trend. I think the narrative of him going from drafting us under the table, to being stuck at a waffle house table is too perfect.  I need that in my life. All Hail King Phony!

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

It is tough being a birds fan, it really is. All we do is win, while others complain. Look at those Little GMen. They thought they were good, not so fast. Some people even pretend to be fans of ours, which is fine. Jump on the bandwagon, we welcome everyone on the birds train. Choo Choo. Saying that, I know the birds better than most. They rock the lowly bears this week. Give me the Birds -9, and put more than 28 cents on it.

The Texans shocked the world last week by almost beating the cowboys. Patty Mahomes threw three picks against the Broncos. Both of these things don’t happen again. Not a chance in this world. We have a better chance of Wentz coming into the game this week and winning a game. So the chances are zero. Give me the Chiefs -14 in a blow out.

Usually I bet against the Lions on the road. However, they just played the LGiants and smoked them at the same stadium they are playing this week. This isn’t saying much considering the LGiants won their SB by beating a former MVP. Then they decided that football wasn’t fun anymore. Oh no! Anyway the Lions are red hot, the Jets are cold cold. Give me the Lions +1.

Regular season record: 17-17

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Jack has been asLeep for a very long time. I gave him a 2 week notice to get something written in time but he never work up in time to text me back. UnfortunateLy for him, it is now pLayoff time. If he doesn’t wake up in time he might not have time to set his lineup and over pay for a mediocre fantasy RB even though his WRs are toast. What are you going to do. It’s Life.

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Pick your favorite Phony matchup. That’s game of the week. Does anyone care about pLayoffs? Nope!

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phonies of the Week

BummishJ + Lshroomies + aLi

Y’all already know. Are 3 first finalists for the phony bracket. I’m sure I (Bose) will be joining you Bozo’s soon. For now, enjoy playing your last 2 regular season games knowing they mean nothing.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

I didn’t wanna have to do this. My 2022 fantasy season is (99%) dead. One more L and there’s no more digging up this dead body. Fortunately when I see any shenanigans I always come clean. 

But that is ok!

Last week is behind us but since we’re tardy for the newsletter party this week I can reflect on this one more time. 

Jackson Favre Kurtz. My son. For about two weeks after a World Series you were an unbelievable douchecanoe. Why? No idea. Sure our fantasy game was reason to talk shit but at that point it was already feeling gratuitous.  I even got my own section dedicated here. So I figured I return the favor. 

You see, the football gods stepped in. John left you high and dry at the Eagles-Packers game with your $400 tickets (about $150 in resale) so you could be there in person to watch the Pack Attack get absolutely son’d by the 10-1 Iggles, effectively ending their season and sending the Pack Packing. I mean 40 points and 363 rushing yards?! That is about as close to the Packers getting the dicks of the Eagles shoved in their collective eyes. And you got to be there. Cold as an Ice Cube getting fucked by the Eagles. With No Vaseline. 

Now you may get even with a fantasy title this year. Your team is solid. In fact I was the only one who defended both the lineup and your decision to pick 8th after you got laughed at then outscored everyone but Dan (and me) week one. Guess you forgot. 

Until that happens, you deserve every bit of punishment me and my tag team partner have dished out. Baby Bro. Wah!

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 13 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 2) – Who is ranked number 1?  That’s a clown question Bro. It’s Señor Payaso, our newest Inter Miami fan. Jack was entering “lights on, nobody home” stage around the time of the Jacobs overtime TD, so he probably thought he was going to lose to John until he woke up on Tuesday afternoon. As long as Jack sets his lineup for the playoffs, he should have a good shot at the chip. I said one nice thing about him so I am happy to take this opportunity to ask Jackson: what would you call it when someone has a deep affection for basketball sneakers with a jumpman logo?

2.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 3) – I would have liked to rank CJ number 1, because I think his team is performing very consistently right now, but the way Jack’s team has been racking up points any given Sunday… oooahh. CJ didn’t take my advice (smart) and kept Tua as his QB, and that looks to have paid off. CJ may not have to ask his fiancé to buy him a trophy this year, and she may not be the only one who will be receiving a ring (eyes emoji).

3.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Zack’s team has come back to earth in recent weeks, mostly because of the Jamarr Chase injury, but also Lamar hasn’t been quite the same. And that’s not to mention his Tight End. He will really need to massage that position through the waiver wire over the next few weeks. Because everyone knows that you can’t make someone else massage your tight end for you. Well, almost everyone. His team is fine though, and he will be a tough out in the playoffs.

4.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 9) – This is my first Hot Take of the week. Just a straight squad vs. squad look, on paper, I would rather have Dan’s team than Tom’s going into the playoffs. The only trouble is, Dan still has to officially make the playoffs. I say that watching this gross MNF game in which he has three starters playing. Although it’s early, I am happy to prematurely declare (and probably jinx) that we will not have our first Princess Phony (that we know of).

5.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 4) – I have underrated Tom’s squad all year. And I thought to myself, why stop now? He is going to make the playoffs, and then he will lose in the first round. Unless he plays me, then he will definitely win. Like the Giants, he somehow has 7 wins and you’re not quite sure how or why. Anyway, I hate all of Tom’s team right now except for his receivers and maybe Joe Burrow. He should talk to his Giants about the importance of WRs.

6.       StooL – (previous ranking: 6) – I refused to write this during MNF and jinx myself. Your Boy is squarely in the playoff hunt with games against Shroomies and Bellz to go. I have two terrible bye weeks though.  Whose bright idea was it to extend byes to week 14? This is why we boo you, Roger. Anyway, if I somehow make the playoffs I will undoubtably lose in the first round. But I would be fine with that after two straight years in the Phony Bracket.

7.       Bose – (previous ranking: 10) – Bellz had a good weekend. His favorite team won the B1G East and is probably going to the playoffs. His fantasy team kept him in the hunt for a playoff berth and effectively pushed Ali to the Phony Pit. Funny enough, Bellz will play against Dan next week, and then plays me in week 14. He holds his destiny own hands. I thought Bellott’s team was left for dead about 3 weeks ago. If only Justin Fields was healthy…

My advice to the following three gentlemen who are not accustomed to the Phony Bracket: Concede these next few weeks and get your shit together for the playoffs.

8.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 7) – Boris will have had the least amount of time to prepare for the Phony Bracket, with only two weeks of waiver wire prep and no trade ability. Nonetheless, his team is good enough to win a couple games against the Phony Bracket @bums.  The idea in the Phony Bracket is to have a team that won’t shit the bed for 2 out of 3 weeks.  Ali has that. The next two are another story.

9.       Commish – (previous ranking: 8) – Anybody been watching the protests in China? Well, those people have been oppressed and the riot is their recourse. Relegating Johnny to the Phony bracket has been our collective recourse. Whether John knows it or not, his trade with Dan a few weeks back has narrowly saved his season. His team is not bad enough to be King Phony.  I predict the Commish will scrape by.

10.   Shrooms – (previous ranking: 5) – Josh Allen is really going to waste away in the Phony Pit.  What a shame.  Shrooms is a -200 favorite for King Phony at this stage.  We are going to have to (air) pump the brakes on the whole Oracle thing for the next year. But seriously, one must wonder if Dameon Pierce will pick up a mysterious injury in practice this week and be out for the rest of the season. Shrooms’ team has limited depth as it is, and losing anyone at this stage would be a death sentence.

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week

I am being forced to do these picks this week against my will. Last week no one else decided they wanted to do their section. Even if their section consists of 3 words and an emoji. Imagine that! Maybe I will protest by not starting a TE. Stay tuned! 

This week’s picks are especially nice because I will be in Vegas. I own Vegas because I win so much, so they probably will want to take this site down.

The LfLushies are a 7 point favorites on the road. They have the expert in “illegal touching” penalties coming back to play. The Texans are the worst team in the NFL, no one is debating that. However, this is the NFL and if you don’t show up you will lose. LRapist Watson hasn’t played in 2 years, and I don’t think he will play particularly well in this game. In fact, I think he gets benched. It is too late though, give me the Texans +7.

The Lions, the Lions, the Lions. They lost a tough one against a good Bills team on Thanksgiving. Now they play an LJags team that won because the refs decided that they were playing college football last week. Apparently, 1 foot = TD nowadays in the NFL. Who knew!  Anyway Goff loves some home cooking. If this was a road game I would think differently, but it isn’t. Give me Det +1.

I am still convinced the Bengals are complete phonies. Not as much as Shroomies and his obsession with the Eagles (weird), but they are phonies. KC a top 3 team comes into the Lcincy and rocks them. 2 points isn’t enough for me, I like them by 5-6. Give me KC -2.

Regular season record: 15-13

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Jack has been asLeep for weeks. We had heard that we woke up briefly to go to the Packers (cooked) vs EagLes game, but no one has seen or heard from him since. He probably went back to bed. If anyone see’s him, ask him how the game was.

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Boys, do we have some hot matchups this week or what!?

All eyes are on the 6-6 boys; Bose, DanieL, and StrohL. Bose and Dan matchup this week and Srohl has Shroomies. 1 loss could send any of these boys spinning.

We also have the 7-5 boys Zack and Tom matching up. Not as interesting as the 6-6 matchups, but there is a world where Zack or Tom slides into the Phony Bracket.

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

StrohLLLLLL

Who will be biggest phony this week? Will it be John for taking last place? Or how about shrooms for Losing to Bose? Nope! It’s our oL’ paL StrohLLy bud. When you take a look at the stats, StrohL has the most games under 100 (more than Bose). His averages are also right in line with Bose’s, meaning you are headed straight to the phony bracket with Bose and Bummish.

HonorabLe Mention

LShrooms Man + BummishJ + DanieL

We have a 3 way tie for the downward spiral trio.
Shroomies just lost to Bose in spectacular fashion. Granted it was because Bose’s brain is so massive he started Justin FieLds. But still, losing to Bose this year is borderline website worthy.
John is very unLucky! this year and got absolutely pulverized by Mixon’s (lemme get him) 5 TD day.
Dan’s team is dropping like flies and and is plummeting Dan back to his home at the bottom of the standings.

Players to Watch

Keeper Tiers

We’re gonna do something a little different this week gentlemen. A couple weeks back it was brought to the group’s attention that the selection of keepers for #ThisLeague has been, shall we say, leaving a lot to be desired so far in 2022. To put it kindly. 

I had asked to see if we could get some power rankings of the keepers since we like that kinda thing around here but it fell on deaf eyes in the groupme. Or, I guess blind eyes. 

But that is ok!

If you want something done right just do it yourself so I’ll be the one to step up to the plate and hit. Unlike the Phillies in game four of the World Series. Still bitter. With that said, I won’t be doing power rankings since that’s sorta Strohl’s thing, but I’ll still put a Shroomies spin on it. I present to you the 2022 Keepers Tiers for the halfway point of #ThisLeague 

We’ll start at the bottom before we get to the top because I’m a show pony who like to build suspense. 

Bottom Tier – “IR and dropped”: Daninmal and Javonte Williams

Injuries happen, and it sucks that it happened to Dan the Man, but it’s life. He still has some options next year. 

Fourth Tier – “Underwhelming and traded”: Bummish and Najee Harris

This is tough. TrademasterJ traded in the offszn for Najee who had been unremarkable, to the point where he traded away his keeper to the aforementioned future Daddy Ham. Not sure if a keepers ever been traded before but if not it has now. 

Third Tier –  “Banged Up”: Deebo Samuel, DeAndre Swift, Jonathan Taylor, Mark Andrews, J’Marr Chase. 

Our biggest tier grouping. As previously stated, injuries happen. While none of these guys were lost for the season, they’ve all been out with injury for extended periods of time, with varying degrees of success when playing. Damn shame. 

Second Tier – “Healthy and aight”: Tee Higgins

That’s right, Tee Higgins for Strohl is alone at the second tier. Why? He’s been healthy all year and is a WR17, so I mean that’s kinda neat right?

Top Tier – “Healthy and Thriving”: Justin Jefferson and Leonard Fournette

Alone at the top it’s the Champ and the Oracle. How nice. Both players haven’t missed any time with JJ being a top five WR and Lenny, believe it or not, a top ten RB. 

Surely this won’t come back to bite me in the ass.  

So those are the tiers. Don’t hate this player hate the game. These be the brakes. Sorry bout it. 

Scoreboard

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week

This week I am going to keep it short and sweet. I will give you an extra pick because I am a nice guy! I am in state college protesting against wasting tax payer dollars. I don’t have time for nonsense as the cause is more important. It is also life so there is that. 

Here are my picks:

Miami -3.5

Lers +1.5

Cowboys -4.5

Vikings +3.5

Regular season record: 12-12

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Ahh what a beautiful sight to behold on this 1PM lunch break. No, I’m not talking about the newsletter you big dumb idiots… I’m talking about this CJ grade line I’m about to hose up my nose!! Oh ya that’s the stuff. I already know CJ is getting a hard on just from reading that 150 miles away in a CIA bunker. Calm down bud you’ll get your chance to give John all the kisses when he’s blacked ass out half way through the PSU game this weekend. Bruce is gonne be PISSED when john starts pissing on the 12 year old girl (caLm down beLLLLLLz) below him at her first PSU game. Don’t worry tho.. you’ll all see the FUCKING SHOW on Snapchat Friday thru Tuesday when he stays another two days after telling his boss his grandfather died for the 27^th time.

Anyways, as much as we love talking about Mr. Pee Pee pants, let’s get into what we’re all here for- my long awaited ass whooping of Lshrooms & his sorry ass team that he hasn’t stopped dickriding since his dismal week 1 W over ya boi. Instead of making you a website, you get an entire column about you lil bro. I’ll give you a hint what it’s about… BET ON MY LAB GRADE ADDY PLAYAS & FLUSH SHROOMS DUMPSTER SCRAP ADDY BUMS!! AyuH!!

Players w/ Lab Grade Addy

Patrick Mahomes, QB

Do I even bother to go into unnecessary detail about why you should bet on the #1 QB in the league? Sorry fake biLLs mafia fans (stooLLLLL probably) but Josh Allen is OUT for the count. Elbow injuries aren’t something you can just play through… just ask garbage man Lstafford. Or better yet, ask Dan about his favorite WR aLLen Robinson & how well he’s played aLL season! I’m SURE that won’t be a sore subject.. at least not as sore as Shroom’s ego come Tuesday morning when he sees his new website up & running. It will be better that you lost!

NOT!

Anyways, the Chiefs play a below average Jags team that would have no problem making the Packers look like amateurs. Make sure to stack your pockets full with your favorite little white footballs, head to your nearest bar & order 10 Kansas City Ice Waters, & enjoy the pile of money Mahomes will make you roll halfway up your nose for that powder train!!

Nick Folk, K

It’s no surprise that the #3 fantasy kicker in the league plays for the biggest underachievers in the NFL this year- the NE Lcheaters. Mac Truck Jones is trash & beLLLLLLz loves to still bring up Zappe almost beating a pathetic Packers team. Poor guy probably doesn’t even know it’s their BYE week… but that doesn’t matter because ima start him anyways!! Quit again if you don’t like it LawyerJ!! I might fuck around & start a RB/QB/WR at TE just to stir the pot. With that being said, make sure you tell beLLLLz to take the sure thing & pick up from Folk for all of your addy & DraftKings needs & you’ll sleep soundly when you finally come down in 3 days.

Players w/ Dumpster Scrap Addy:

MeLvin Gordon III, RB

It’s almost laughable that Lshrooms is down THAT bad that he has to start the soon-to-be 3^rd string Lbroncos RB. It’s okay though, he’ll make up some elaborate big brain pewter reason as to why he started him… & I am here for it!! No explanation needed why this bum needs off of everyone’s bets & fantasy teams (unless you’re Lshrooms). Throw this bum back in the dumpster where you found him & move on with your sober lives with the confidence knowing you made the right choice.

Darren WaLLer, TE

Another sad starter for this man Lshrooms. I would feel bad if I… well… yeah I have no reason to feel bad. He’s written his own destiny in the Phony bracket this year with all of the nonsense he has spewed all season. I will give him credit though- it IS better that the Phillies lost to the Houston cheaters!! Not because of the false claim that they have earned our respect, but because they beat phiLLY!! So many saLty as heLL big L Losers in that city!! 

Who was I even talking about here? Oh yeah, Darren no-Dan-hammy waLLEr! This man hasn’t played a game since week 5. Why start him now you might ask? Because Lshrooms brain is enormous & traded away his other TE for Lsburgh trash turned Chicago trash cLaypooL. My tiny brain can’t even comprehend that level of GMing. My legal pad (coloring book) & pen (crayons) are ready to take notes (color inside the lines) about these genus power plays!! Can’t wait to compare notes (pictures) about how my all of my bets hit going against waLLer with my other tiny brain coworkers (kindergarteners) on Monday!! APewterYuH!!

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

2 interesting L Loser games this week. aLi, who is projected 98.5 vs StrohL, phony of the week. We also have Bummish John vs Dan. This is your last shot to put together a winning streak and dig your way out.

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Bose

Lowest score ever. Team stinks. BLah bLah bLah. Who crares?

HonorabLe Mention

StrohL + BummishJ

Fun fact for ya, strohL has as many games below 100 points as Bose. Yet somehow he has himseLf as 6 in the power rankings……
BummishJ is moving into the bLue tent. At least your best bud Bose is waiting for you in the pit.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

Time to get Spongebob future chrome clean. I can easily start bitching about all the outta pocket and, dare I say, str8 wylin shit going on in fantasy football. However, I won’t do that. Credit to me for rising above. 

Why is that? BECAUSE THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE IS LOVING THEIR BROTHERS THATS WHY

The Sixers may not have the win/loss record yet, but Harden is balling and somebody needs to be the sacrificial lamb for the below. 

The Lads playing futbol over in Chester are one away from the MLS finals and the Sons of Ben are fidna act tf up for our Union. 

The Flyers are overachieving, and if it wasn’t for the final two rzns it’s Philly szn, we’d be ALL the way Flyer’d tf up. 

Your team, your town, your Philadelphia Eagles are 6-0 heading into a Keystone State battle with the Lers of Lburgh. The bummish and I are considering flying our brooms up there and casting a CRUCIO on Voldemort. Unfortunately the bummissioner has been almost as hard to find as Voldemort at points lately so I’ll get back to you on that. The undefeated Eagles should get the blood pumping for him and all of you waiting for the day they finally lose so you can say something funny in the groupme. Sorry bout it. 

Then last, but certainly not least, we’re talking about the FIGHTINS! The red hawt for red October Phils have a tough test to face against the Yankees daddy. They have a rotation with a 39 year old ace in Justin Verlander (but one that is married to Kate Upton. YUGE factor) and of course my cousin Framber. They also have a lineup consisting of course of Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman. The latter two have been subject of some scorn for simply wearing buzzers and banging trash cans to know when a sliders coming to combat the Yankees and Red Sox $300 million payroll that also used apple watches, sus bullpen phones and sticky pitchers to misinterpret de rules (formerly $200 million payrolls that were made up for with steroids in their glory days but shhhh.)

Anyway, if the Phillies do take the L, which is very much in play considering the Astros lineup also features West Chester native and Millserville University grad Chas McCormick, I’ll be here to face the warranted music. Unlike some. 

Sorry if you were expecting fantasy football talk, but the new tier system we had in the groupme has me as the third best team since Jack said it was fine so that’s that. Even if I still hold Strohl’s objective rankings in the highest of esteem. We’ll be back next week to check back in with Philly. Maybe fantasy idk.

#HereTheyCome

#DOOP

#FlyeredUp

#GoBirds

#RingTheBell

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 8 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – King stays king. Because of the trade, ETN is now an elite start every week. Ekeler has been racking up 30-point games recently. Tyreek and Jamarr have been unreal recently. And if the ravens and falcons ever decide to throw again, Lamar and Pitts will be top tier options. This is what a league winning squad looks like Gents.

2.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 5) – Started from the bottom, now the whole team fucking here. Jack has been on an unbelievable run recently. Josh Jacobs may just win him this league, and we laughed at him for picking him. Only concern for Jack is I think a few of his players could suffer negatively as a result of the trade deadline. Looking at you, Alvin and Deebo.

3.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 2) – CJ rounds out tier one of teams in the league right now, mostly because of his two potential League Winners, Ken Walker and Raheem Mostert. I almost nabbed Kenny two weeks before that Penny injury and now I’m kicking myself. Seahawks people think he can be as good as LaDainian Tomlinson. If CJ could acquire a legit QB from a team towards the bottom of the league, he could be #1…

4.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 7) – Tom would have been low last week if I had done rankings, but alas, he went and rounded out his PF with a 150 burger. Deandre Hopkins looked a little bit like his old self (which gives me some hope from Kyler), and Joe Burrow looked like he maybe should have gone earlier in our draft. Tom is one reliable RB away from elevating himself up into tier 1 of this league.  He looks to have a solid enough squad to make the playoffs and make a bit of a run.

5.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 6) – This move up could have been significantly more, but Shrooms did exactly the opposite of what I have been recommending and traded away depth for a theoretically elite player.  It will look smart this week if Waller plays against the Saints, but don’t be fooled – Josh McDaniels is the coach.  He will undoubtedly make the poor decision to never go “Balls to the Wall(er)” for the remaining weeks of the season.  Instead, Mack Hollins will get more targets unnecessarily.

6.       StooL – (previous ranking: 3) – Yes, I recognize that I have the lowest PF besides Bellott. And I got fucked by that CMC trade, but I’m keeping my head in the game. I cobbled together a Courtland Sutton deal (somehow) after weeks of trying. I have almost zero bench depth, so bye weeks are going to kill me, but I do have a nice solid starting lineup heading into the back half of the season. I will be hitting the waiver wire hard in the next few days before the trade deadline.

7.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 9) – Boris was the hardest person to rank this week. His team looks like it should be better than it actually has been. Geno seems like he may actually be a solid fantasy starter and Ali has a lot of upside plays on his bench.  Ali needs one or two of them to end up as usable to make a run at a back end playoff spot. Just on the elite names in his lineup like Jefferson and Mixon, I’m going to keep him above “the best team.”

8.       Commish – (previous ranking: 8) – John’s team is the best team.  I am jealous of all his WRs and RBs. He plays me this week and I desperately need to win, but I definitely won’t because his team is significantly better than mine. It doesn’t matter that his QB is on bye, his TE is on bye, and his WRs are hurt, because even his bench is better than my starters. I’m also very sincere about this write up and would never write anything just to receive good Mojo…oh behave.

9.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 4) – I’m sorry bud. I wish I didn’t have to do this to you.  The big blue tent has officially moved to Springfield, PA.  First Javonte, now Breece. I feel really bad for Dan because I think he would otherwise be in the top 3 of the rankings this week. You should be able to paint a big Ol’ PSU on the side of that thing if the blue is a little too plain for your liking.

10.   Bose – (previous ranking: 10) – In the famous words of Borat Sagdiyev, “Wow woo wee wow.” Bellott’s team is bad, but at least he knows it. His team would be much better if he traded Diggs or Taylor for pieces, but everyone in this league is afraid to get fleeced!  Bellott is a lock for the Phony bracket at this stage. But don’t worry, be Zappe!

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

I want the record to reflect that I am going to own up to a mistake. I mistakenly said I won two of my picks the week before last when I only won one of them. I own up to my failures, which is quite something considering the denials of the cheating scandals last year in this league. No one seems to own up to that, but here we are. Now onto this week, where I did in fact pick 2 out of three correctly. Thank you Chefs, and thank you Seahawks. We are still over .500, which if you ask any gambling pundit I should get paid for these picks. 

This week we are full of interesting matchups. We are 7 weeks in, and we really see where teams are at. Just kidding, we really have no idea. Considering the tanking Panthers crushed a Tom Brady led Bucs team. The NFL is weird and picking ATS is tough.

The Jags are a bad and losing team on paper. Big difference between them and John’s fantasy team is I don’t think they are actually that bad. They don’t have to start a running back with lisfranc problems for starters. The Jags lost some tough games, and played opponents tough. The Broncos are the third worst team in the NFL. They are bad bad, so why does Vegas think the Jags are only -2.5. I am not so sure, but I can tell you they are. They play in London every year and are used to playing there. As a part time pilot, I know the time it takes to get from Denver to London, that is a nasty flight. Jags have a huge advantage this week, and are a better team. I like them at -2.5 against the stinky Broncos.

You know what they say about rivalries, “throw out the records”. I cannot believe I am making this pick as a BIG BIRDS fan. Second biggest in our group actually, granted we only have three birds’ fans in our group (including me) but number 2 isn’t bad. Anyway, 11 points is a ton in the NFL. That is what the Lers are against the Birds. Do I think the birds should kick the snot out of Lburgh? I do, but I know better when it comes to the NFL. My job is to take emotion out of this, and win you money. I am not like Shroomies and his fantasy picks. No emotion here, just shekels. The Lers stayed with the Dolphins, and I think they will be within 11 points against the Birds. Give me the Lers +11.

My last pick might be a shocker to you.  I personally watched from my seats (although I could barely see) this team last week. That team being the flushies. The flushies are better than people think and the Bengals are worse than people think. On the road on Monday night football, the Bengals are -3.5. I don’t like that line for the Bengals at all. I LOVE this line for the flushies. Myles Garrett was eating last week, and he will again. If the Browns don’t coach this up and make James Franklin like decisions, they should win. This is a game no one thinks they will win, so of course they will. Give me the flushies at home +3.5, and even dabble on their moneyline. 

Regular season record: 11-10

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Jack said he was too busy crankin’ it to write a coLumn this week. Or something like that. Idk he’s probably asleep at the Kevin Hart show.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

This week we have Bozo BowL 3.0, John vs Strohl. And as we know from Spidey Man 3, the 3rd iteration is always the best.

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Ltom

Tom don’t take this one personally bud, most of us had a terrible week. You just happen to get the Lcrown this week since you are the only one averaging less than 100 points a game. The way this season is going the phony bracket will be more competitive than the winners bracket.

HonorabLe Mention

Everyone eLse who Lost this week + aLi

Ya’LL know what you did. Jack you suck too.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

Nothing about this season makes sense. Like. At all. 

New York is on a heater in football which nobody saw coming. It’s also good because in other sports they appear to be having trouble with heaters. Teams we thought would be good are ass and teams we thought would be ass are… well they aight. 

Of course there is one team that we knew would be good but is currently the only unbeaten team in the NFL this Szn. We won’t talk about them on their bye since their winning ways has nobody wanting to talk about them when they’re playing, except when on the off-chance their QB takes a hit. 

Fantasy doesn’t make sense either. TE is a wasteland for the most part, no RBs are doing much of anything, and the ones that are we’re all just waiting for them to inevitably blow a tire. It’s caused all of the ones at the top of PF to be scattered all throughout the standings. It’s the one year nobody can claim “they have the best team” this point in the season. 

We love mayhem. Especially with us doing our GMing! duties. However, all of this mayhem is too much, causing everyone to talk a big game in the groupme about trading, but leads to NOBODY FUCKING TRADING. The fear of fear itself is crippling the Polio-ridden GMs of #ThisLeague with no newsworthy moves to report on @BUMS Now that byes are upon us let’s see where this chaos takes us to next. Should be tons of fun. Can’t wait to be underwhelmed. 

P.S. Go Phils

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

So another 2-1 from me with my picks last week. I am two games over .500, which is totally fine for gambling. Our second place finisher will tell you differently, but that is why he was second, and I was first!  If you’re + money you’re good to go. If anyone knows this, it is my family and their prestigious resume with handling shekels for the world. In any event we have another week upon us, and I am staying so far away from the LBucs. How did they lose the Lburgh? I have no idea, and neither does the rest of America. On to this week’s picks.

The Seahawks grabbed me a win last week, and even a moneyline win. This week they face a really banged up Chargers team. I watched them play the LBroncos on Monday night. They were STRUGGLING, and I believe they will continue to do so. The Seahawks are underrated at this point. Why? Probably because their QB is an RB! We all know those cannot win games, but they can cover! Give me the Seahawks +5.5.

You know what does not happen often? Patty Mahomes losing two games in a row. It won’t happen this week either. They play a very good defensive 49ers squad. It won’t matter. The Chefs beat the 49ers and they do it by more than 3. I just don’t see the 49ers winning this game based on personnel. I think the Chefs matchup very well against them, and beat them easily. Give me the Chefs -3.

I made an incredible amount of money last year on the Lions and the Texans. I will tell you why. Both of those teams were the best ATS, and it is because the public thinks they are worse than they are. Do they lose a bunch of games? Yes they do. Do they lose by a lot? Most of the time, they do not. So why are the raiders -7 after starting 1-4? I will tell you why. America doesn’t watch these squads. Sort of like Bose, he has no idea who to pick up on fantasy because he does not watch! The Texans are NOT 7 points worse than the Raiders. 3-5 points I can see, but 7 no chance. Mills will keep this close. Give me the Texans +7.

Regular season record: 10-8

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Good morning, good evening, but definitely NOT goodnight you big L phonies! It’s Wednesday night & as I’m sitting here sipping a vanilla coffee old fashioned, I’m reflecting on all of the shit that stooLLL has talked not only about my team, but basically everybody’s team… all of which are significantly better than his. Except beLLLLz, but that goes without saying anymore. Since my new job requires me to be up at the ass crack of dawn every day, these won’t be bedtime stories anymore, but instead they will be Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack. Get excited CJ! Also worth noting, since beLLLLz decided his family was more important than keeping up with his weekly obligations to #ThisLeague, I decided to boycott last week’s newsletter. & boy am I glad I did because the NFL as a whole was a fucking shitpile all over the place. The steeLers beat the Bucs… the Giants beat the Lmore bums… & worst of all, the J-E-T-S Jets spanked the Packers. Lord knows I wish I had been asleep for that game. The only expected outcome was the sheagLes remaining undefeated… but their time will come in classic Loser phiLLy fashion right when their phony fan base (stooLLL) has their hopes at their highest. 

In unrelated but equally as important news, the NBA started last night! & with that, I’m already up a solid $660 with more to come… so let’s take that big winning energy into week 7 of the NFL & FINALLY win some mother fucking money!! A fucking yuH!!

Players w/ Dr. prescribed Vyvanse:

DeAndre Hopkins, WR

With the highly anticipated return of one of the greatest WRs in today’s game, Hopkins will immediately be tossed back into the mix for a HUGE game. With Marquise Brown out for the season & enough PEDs coursing through his veins to stunt the growth of a daycare, he will be absolutely unstoppable against the Saints. Not even a prime Deion Sanders with Tom’s long middle fingers would be able to stop the terror that Hopkins is going to induce on the New Orleans secondary. It’s going to be a fucking slaughter. With the amount of PEDs Hopkins has readily at his disposal, we should assume he will have some high quality Vyvanse *Waterboy voice* crushed up & ready to be shot up his nostrils prior to kickoff. Throw all of your bloody rolled up addy dollars at Hopkins going for 110 receiving yards & at least 1 touchdown.

Allen Lazard, WR

Now before any of you Losers has anything to say about the state of the Packers & how poorly they’ve been playing, fuck y’all. I mean losing to both New York teams in consecutive weeks… I never thought I’d be ridiculed by members of both sides of the dirtiest place on Earth that we know as Jersey. Yes Tom, you’re included in that. The Giants have looked much better, but I have no doubt the Jets will fall off their high horse in no time. Now let’s move to what’s important: the Packers winning games & Lazard turning into a top 10 receiver.

Lazard has been a lone bright spot in a very dark place that is the Packers offense. But let’s not forget that it’s still two-time reigning MVP Aaron Rodgers in command, & that is nothing to take lightly. Lazard has 4 touchdowns through 5 games played & has established himself as the clear cut #1 & top redzone target for Rodgers. With that kind of consistency, you can confidently blow your nose to clear a passage for all of the high grade addy you’re about to inhale in anticipation of Lazard’s 8/120/2 statline against a weak Commanders secondary.

Players w/ CJ’s plug:

Christian Kirk, WR

After starting the season averaging 6/89/1 through 3 games & looking like Trevor Lawrence’s preferred WR1, Kirk has dropped off DRASTICALLY. In the next 3, he has only caught 7 balls for 95 total yards & a sympathy touchdown. There was a time when I was inexperienced in the betting game… & in that time I would’ve expected a bounce back game from Kirk. But that bounce back is 2 games too late which indicates that this is the norm for him. It looks like he & Trevor might’ve celebrated a little too hard after week 3 & gotten their noses caught up in some of CJ’s stuff. If that’s the case, it’s all downhill from here (shoutout New Found Glory… the real ones know.) In a tough matchup this weekend against the Giants, Kirk will continue his poor play against the league’s #1 secondary. Take every precaution picking up this week & take all of the unders or don’t be surprised when you find yourself feeling under the weather.

David Montgomery, RB

Somehow stooLLL was able to pawn off this bum to the reigning cheater champ aLi, which makes me wonder how unLucky we all must have really gotten against him last year. With that level of decision-making, it’s no question he will be fighting against beLLLLz for last place. You could say Montgomery has been the only positive in a pathetic Bears offense… but that’s only if you’re watching the games with beLLLLz (doesn’t watch the games). He is slowly on his way out with the arrival of soon-to-be RB1 Khalil Herbert. Whether it’s from his lack of actual skill, an injury, or a bad batch from CJ’s plug, it’s bound to happen in the coming weeks. Do yourselves a favor & skip picking up this week… unless you want to end up assed out on the couch wishing you’d never hoovered that last line.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Everyone at the bottome of the standing plays the guys at the top this week. Meaning there is likely to be some absolute blow outs.

Jack vs StrohL has me interested. Both talk a lot of shit and StrohL still thinks his team is good. Jack has been very unLucky this year so you never know!

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Bose

Last newsletter aLi was here for 2 back to back performances under 100. Well I took notes and did the same thing, at least I scored more than 66. The good news is aLi went on to score 160 the next week which means I will do the same thing this week, right guys?!? ……………….. guys?

HonorabLe Mention

Ltom

The only thing cook’d, sir, is your team. Starting a full squad and still projected less than 100….. yikes!

Players to Watch

King Phony Tryna to Tell Ya Something

Prince / Princess Phony due March 2023!!

imma come clean

Gentlemen. It’s been a fun start to the season. The shit talking has been at a premium (as of course is tradition) but now the chickens have come home to roost, and we’ll see just who grew a lil too big for their britches. 

That is because my dear bud buds, bye weeks are here and the real season has begun. 

Like a certain wise and wonky-eyed Oracle loves to say, because it always holds true, everyone’s a gangster before the bye weeks and mid-season injuries start hittin. Now we’ll see who truly has been practicing “GOOD GMing!”

While some have started hot like King Phony and some cold like the Champ (life comes at you fast) these jumbled standings won’t last. Mr. Attack leads in both PF and PA but sits at 2-3 (been there) and Dan the Man looks loaded at RB, but has the second lowest PA only to Strohly Pohly Ohly. Because of course. Meanwhile Tommy Toes is 3-2 with the LEAST amount of PF. So there’s that. 

The funny thing is with this outta pocket start to the season we haven’t heard much about who has the best team like we usually do by this time. Makes you think.  

The thing is, while the start of this season has been batshit crazy, there’s still a lotta pigskin to play. 

Water always finds its level and the cream rises to the top. Fortunately for the Oracle, Cash Rules Everything Around Me. 

I wish you all good fortunes in the wars to come. And now it begins. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 3 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Ms. Riley Reid would be awfully disappointed with you my friend. Spending too long on top is not her style (or so I’ve been told). A loss is not automatically a drop in the rankings. Lamar had an off week, he got a goose egg from the TE, and he still put up 112. You gotta get a sustainable TE to keep your spot at the top next week.

2.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 3) – I’m starting to sense a trend. That is, whoever BetJ starts at QB is going to have a terrible performance.  Bet the under on all QBs CJ plays. That being said, CJ is still finding ways to win fantasy games. His squad and bench are pretty stacked. He should probably trade some of those players for a reliable QB from some bum team.

3.       StooL – (previous ranking: 4) – It’s a good thing this league doesn’t have relegation, because I would probably have been pushed to your semi-competitive work league after a horrendous 2020, then into your 8-team family league with your grandma (where players like Jaylen Waddle and Miles Sanders are available on waivers) after my nearly as terrible 2021.  But so far this year, I feel like I’m an upper mid-standings team. I’m fine here but I’m hoping to make the playoffs and then anything is possible.

4.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 2) – Don’t look now, but Dan’s team has recently hit a rough patch. Less than 115 (the new 2 Flex League “Standard” IMO) three weeks on the bounce. He had to start Devin Duvernay and Elijah Moore last week. He will get a few WRs back in the next few weeks, but another injury or two and the upcoming bye weeks spell trouble. Starters are still really solid though and if he can make it to the playoffs healthy, or scrounge up a flex or two, it could be the proverbial “Scary Hours.”

5.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 9) – Started from the bottom now we here. Jack is proof that two weeks is a long time in fantasy football. Back-to-back weekly high scores is eye popping. Josh Jacobs is looking like a league winner.  We all laughed when Jack picked him.  We gotta own that.  If Jack puts up another top score this week, he could easily be moved into the top 3.

6.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 6) – “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, except herpes, that shit sticks with you.” That’s a line from one of my favorite movies, The Passion of the Christ. You’re probably wondering where I am going with this, but Shrooms has had a flexually transmitted disease (FTD) for 2 years now.  He got it from Mike Williams. Jakobi Meyers might be the cure he’s been searching for. He’s played well in every game he was healthy for this year. Shrooms had a nice week last week, but 30 points from Leonard Fournette is not sustainable. If his flex problem is solved, he will be in the top half of our rankings next week.

7.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 7) – Brian Robinson is officially the starter. The Breece Hall trade with Dan from week three is looking worse and worse. Tom has a major hole at RB until Cordarelle and Swift come back. Tom’s WRs are looking good though, and are only likely to get better with the obvious steroid user Hopkins coming back from suspension. IMO we shouldn’t test these guys until they start to look like Bonds and Arod. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Anyway, Tom was able to squeak past John in the Monday night shootout. He stays put at 7 for another week.

8.       Commish – (previous ranking: 5) – Before the season started, who would’ve thought that John would have a few reliable WRs but no reliable RBs? A funny thought I had – on a podcast I listen to, the talking head recommended that Najee owners offer a trade for Ken Walker. I doubt our league’s Ken Walker owner would want anything to do with Liz Frank. Anyway, John has major RB problems, worse than I thought, and I can’t in good conscience put him anywhere above Tom.  I think he should try to take the L on Najee and trade him away, if he can.

9.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 10) – I was just about to write how I felt you may have fleeced me in our trade last week. But then Khalil Herbert ran like 70 yards and I remembered I’m still good getting rid of the Bears RB headache. I still wish I kept Rhamondre, but you gotta give something to get something. Anyway, you are up off the bottom this week, and that’s mostly because of our trade. You have the potential to move up towards the middle of the pack in the coming weeks if Rhamondre is that dude.

10.   Bose – (previous ranking: 8) – It’s still bad. To be fair, Bellott’s team looks good on paper, but hasn’t played well. That’s mostly down to JT. He was the lead singer of N’SYNC and then went solo and everything went to shit. What? What JT were you thinking? No but forreal other than Diggs and the Sun God, Bellott has a lot of bigger name players on poor offenses. Take it from a former King Phony – that is a recipe for a trophy, and not the good kind. Make a trade or two now while you still can!

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

Well last week I wrote up a detailed section, and it was never shown. That is ok! Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. In gambling, it is not better if you lose! That is unless you have stock in the gambling company then it is a win/win! Speaking of winning, you should be + money if you follow my picks. That is how my family rolls in the shekels! Let’s keep this going with a good week once again.

The Bucs are coming off a game that they somehow garbaged up at the end. They were winning 21-0, and then let the LFalcons back into it. Two weeks in a row they’ve looked lost in parts of the game. That WC offensive line needs to get it together. Saying all of that, they get the worst team in the NFL this week. That would be Lburgh. Lburgh is the worst team right now, and it isn’t close. They are not doing anything right, which for me is great! Let those yinzers cry. All they care about is football up there, and they stink! It is an awesome sight really. Let them wave those “terrible” towels all they want for their terrible team. They are terrible and NOW they have a bunch of injuries. The Bucs are a -8 favorite on the road. Brady kills Lburgh even when they were good. Give me the Bucs -8, I think the line should be somewhere around -14. 

Arizona looked somewhat competent for about 10 minutes in the Philly game, and that made the game close. Vegas is going recency bias, but I see right through it. Arizona might be the second worst team in the league. The Seahawks are cooking right now. Geno Smith looks great mostly because he is an RB. The man can sling it. It would get more attention if he was white, but you know…  I don’t understand the Arizona -3 on the road. That line is busted, give me the Seahawks +3, and I might even dabble on their moneyline.

I hate to do this as the second biggest bird fan here, but my number one goal is to make you money. I don’t bet with emotions, I bet with reality. Something Jack may never be in, as the pit gets deeper and darker for him. The Eagles are a -6 point favorite against the Cowboys. This is a divisional game against two big rivals. We may or may not see Dak this week. I really don’t care if we do, Cooper Rush’s game management is superb right now. The Cowboys are relying on their top 3 defense to win games. The Birds are going to get their first real test on defense this week. It might be their only test during the regular season as my prediction of 17-0 still stands. I see the birds winning this game per my prediction, but not by 6 or more. That line is too much for my liking. This is going to be a very close game. Give me the Cowboys +6. 

Regular season record: 8-7

-CJ Wolfson

Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack

Jack didnt wake up in time for this week. It’s Life.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Game of the week is Zack vs StrohL. Should be a good matchup of 2 powerful teams towards the top of the standings.

At the other end of the spectrum we have Ltom and aLi facing off in the highly anticipated Bozo BowL 2: eLectric Boogaloo.

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

aLi

Wow bud. 2 back to back weeks under 100 and only 66 this past week. Not good! 66 very well may be the lowest score ever in #ThisLeague. You are currently averaging 88.3 points/game…. aka straight to the phony bracket. I hope you understand the phony bracket rules bud!!

HonorabLe Mention

L boy Jack

Jack would have easily taken Phony of the Week if it weren’t for aLi’s abysmal performance(s). Jack is 0-3 and took a fat L from the Bummish in the Bozo BowL. Looking like a real nice Phony matchup between Jack and aLi.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

As if it’s a surprise to anyone, it appears that the sense of trust amongst the members of #ThisLeague is at an all-time low. So with that being the case, Dear Maria, please count someone in to trade.

The lack of trust is affecting everyone’s GMing! because nobody feels like they can negotiate without feeling like the other person wants to completely fuck them over, leading to ludicrous asking prices. It’s honestly a damn shame.  

Of course there will be trades this season and in many seasons to come, unless of course catastrophe occurs that results in #WeNotPlaying. However, future trades will be more reflective of the low fanfare “blockbusters” that Dan the Man has become famous for, and he already made one such trade with Tommy Toes this year. Did you know that? Bet not.

With the fear of being screenshot into oblivion at a fever pitch, the Oracle fears that trades will become less and less exciting, because #ThisLeague will be afraid of having their takes on the trade exposed for all to see, whether they were involved in the trade or not.

Of course, in the spirit of having Old Takes Exposed (TM), it would be a real shame if somebody wanted to prove Shroomies wrong about this and make something happen. Like I SUPPOSE I can reopen the DMs to help the cause on my end as well smh. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 3 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.1.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 1) – Even after a down week, Dan’s team remains at the top of the Power Ranks. Leading the league at 3-0, it appears there will be no B2B King Phony. Dan is currently +350 for the Phony bracket. If Dan can make a trade to upgrade his bench for bye weeks, he will have a good shot at a first-round bye in the playoffs.

2.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 3) – Zack moves up a spot despite the loss this week, but his team should really be better than it has been performing. Zack does have some nice bench depth to package with underperforming big names which is a recipe for a trade with the league bottom feeders. Lots of QB needy teams in the league, so Ayahuasca Aaron should be on the move!

3.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 5) – L’chaim! Happy Rosh Hashanah! CJ has one of the strangest teams in the league. Chubb is RB1, Andrews is TE1, Waddle is WR3, Dalvin is injured, and the rest is currently cobbled together week to week, injury report to injury report. The weird thing is that it’s working. I am having a hard time deciding where to rank him, but I think CJ has the makings of a really nice team when it all comes together and everyone is healthy. Maybe CJ could trade Tua and Godwin or Dobbins for some consistency at QB?

4.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 4) – Shrooms’ team had a weird week, but I like the direction his team is heading. Bad matchups for a lot of his best players and he still put up 115. He has the ingredients for a chip; Great QB, an Elite WR, solid (goal line) RBs, and a rotational set of matchup-dependent bench players. He just has to know when to play who (like every year). Look for him to consolidate some bench pieces for a TE upgrade.

5.       Bose – (previous ranking: 6) – Bose is moving up a touch here, and if he had a reliable QB he would be much higher. Dak’s return could elevate his team to the top 4 in The Ranks of Power (much better than House of the Dragon). His WRs are stacked and the RBs are improving. Bellott could probably put together a nice trade package to consolidate some of that WR talent for a RB or QB.

6.       StooL – (previous ranking: 2) – I’m heartbroken and down bad. David goddamn Montgomery would have scored at least 15 points this week if he stayed healthy. I needed that W over Daniel. No wonder Kyler prefers to be playing Call of Duty, his teammates suck and the scheme looks stale. I still have a solid squad if I can make it through a week healthy and am looking to maybe acquire an additional usable bench piece. Lets make a trade!

7.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 8) – Tom finally got some points from a QB and was able to squeak out a win. His RB situation is in limbo because of the Swift injury, and his bench is still weak.  He can’t afford another injury until DHop comes back. Tom is a sell-off candidate to acquire some rotational talent for bye weeks. Hit me up bud!

8.       Commish – (previous ranking: 10) – Johnny finally got his first win of the season in part because DK “WR45” Metcalf actually caught a TD. On the surface, John’s score appears to be a sustainable, well-rounded performance. Don’t be fooled, John had remarkable TD luck this week and is still -105 for the phony bracket. Watch out for a sell-high trade where John absolutely fleeces someone!

9.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 7) – If it weren’t for Cl0-3wnboy Jack, Boris would be deep into the sunken place. No one thought he would out-do his horrible performance in Week 2, but he ended up with a 60 burger (think White Castle, not Five Guys).  In fact, his bench scored more points than his starters. Boris needs to trade for a QB and a RB to get back on track, but every time I text him about a trade he just says “No.” He is happy to subtweet his roommates about trades tho…

10.   Bozo – (previous ranking: 9) – Call him Boz0-3, Cl0-3wnboy Jack, or even Jadeveon CLOWNey, Jack is 0-3. Is DJ “WR60” Moore droppable? Jack also needs to make a trade, but every time I text him he tells me my players suck and are injury prone… Did anyone check to make sure that Bozo wasn’t actually Pennywise, because this man appears to have had his brain eaten. He is -200 for the phony bracket, but “it’s life.”

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

Once upon a time, a second place finisher from last year said “bet against CJ no matter what”. If you did that, you would be out A LOT of Shekels. Last week I went 2-1 because somehow the Chefs got the yips against Matt Ryan. Otherwise we are looking at ANOTHER 3-0 week for the champion. The NFL doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? Sort of how three time Dan LPhony is in first place. Anyway, I digress. 

As always, gamble your shekel’s responsibility… 

Hopefully you see this before the Thursday night game. You may not because the dictator usually doesn’t text his one sentence in time. Really a shame that is, but anyway. Are the Bengals really that bad? No, they are not. Are the Dolphins really that good? No, they are not. The line says the Bengals are a -4 point favorite to the Dolphins, Even with injuries, I just don’t see that. The Phins are waddling around and winning games. Too many weapons on that team, and with a better than avg defense, I see this game being close. Within 1-2 points is my guess, which means I take the Phins +4. 

A LOT of people in this group told me David Mills was horrible blah blah blah. I warned all of you, the guy can play. You all tried to tell me LMatt Ryan is better than him LOL. This week Houston gets a pretty beat up Chargers team coming into town. On paper sure the Chargers seem better, but Houston is in every game they play. A LOT of that is David Mills! I could easily see them winning this game. -5 is too much, I love Houston +5 this week.

Last week I was burned by the Chefs. Do I think they burn me again? No way! They play the Bucs (who by the way are starting an O-Line from West Chester University). If you didn’t know where or what that is, you should! Let me tell you it is a POWERHOUSE school with tons of NFL players. Those players are not better than the Chefs however. Brady has as many TD’s as broken tablets this season. Not good! Is it finally father time? I will never rule him out, but this game is a trap for the media. Don’t let the line fool you. The Chefs role the Bucs. Give me the Chefs at -1.

Regular season record: 6-3

-CJ Wolfson

Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack

I’m ashamed to say my bedtime stories have not only put my fantasy team to sleep, but my bets took a snooze as well. DK scored his first TD of the season… Justin Jefferson was smothered & devoured by the Lions D (no homo)… & St. Brown limped his way to a 6/73/0 receiving line. I mean come on, EVEN the Thursday night game was full of players hitting their overs. My only saving grace was Reek being put to sleep, but per usual, I hedged & lost that bet too. Down a solid $300 on the year thus far, we’re going to take a different approach this week- we’re going to take every one of my predictions & do the exact opposite. Because what else could go wrong?

Players NOT to sleep on:

Lamar Jackson, QB

As much as it pains me to say this, we have to acknowledge the incredible start to the season for RB1 LJ & the Lmore bums. Had the Lmore defense not royally fucked up against Miami, they would be 3-0 & on top of everybody’s objective prgower rankings. Well except StooL’s, but his rankings are trash. I swear I will roll my work car down a hill if he has himself ranked anywhere above 9^th this week… & that’s only because I already know his bitch ass has me at 10^th. I may be 0-3 (unLucky), but at least I haven’t scored in the 80s not once… but TWICE in 3 weeks. Regardless, LJ is on a heater & won’t be stopping anytime. Though he may lose to the Bills, he will fill up the stat sheet as he’s done every week up to this point. Stuff your bets with LJ going for 300 pass yards, 3 pass TDs & at least 60 rush yards.

Mike Evans, WR

Coming off of a week suspension for his baby fight with Lattimore, Evans will immediately be thrown back into the mix for a big game. It was evident that Brady missed his favorite target in their 14-12 loss to the Pack last week (a win is a win… fuck y’all). Evans will be Mr. Caesar’s Hot & Ready to go Sunday night against a sub-par Chiefs team that has done nothing to impress us so far. Expect Evans to snap off for over 100 rec yards & 1, maybe 2 TD in spectacular fashion.

Players to put to sleep:

Antonio Gibson, RB

At first glance, Gibson may not look like he’s had such bad start to the season. 11^th ranked RB & two TDs through 3 games. But upon further inspection, he really hasn’t been very productive for the amount of touches he’s gotten. 14/58/0, 14/28/1, & 12/38/1. Without the TDs, he doesn’t touch top 30 RB territory. Not to mention Brian Robinson Jr. is set to come back week 5 & will immediately take those valuable goal line touches away from Gibson. Don’t let Tom fool you when he tries trading him to you this week… he knows exactly what he’s doing. Fucking Jersey. Gibson has a tough matchup this weekend against a brutal DaLLas Lboys D that includes next DPOY & former Nit Micah Parsons (suck it Shrooms). Don’t take Tom’s advice & make sure to send Gibson to bed early this weekend before the Lboys do it for you.

Miles Sanders, RB

Just like the rest of the PhiLLy RBs, Sanders has yet to do anything noteworthy for the SheagLes to start the season. Even though Sanders has outpaced the other SheagLes RBs in touches by a substantial margin (Sanders 51, Gainwell 13, Scott 11), each RB has scored 1 TD on the season. So regardless the matchup, it’s still too hard to be able to determine who will get into the endzone. Not to mention, Hurts has taken over RB1 privileges in PhiLLy for the time being. It’s no coincidence that Sanders’ rushing numbers have decreased each of the last 3 games. RB1 Hurts > RB? Sanders. If you’re hoping Sanders gets back on track against Jacksonville this weekend, you’re mistaken. PhiLLy gets sent back to reality in an embarrassing 20 point loss to the red hot Jags, & Sanders never gets to wake up from his pregame nap after going down 14-0 early & never gaining ground the rest of the game.

*Don’t forget that I lose every bet I make. So if you want to win this week, DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAY. Cheers gentlemen… I’ll see you all on Tuesday after my post weekend bender slumber.*

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

It was very difficult to choose a game of the week this week. As I always say, week 4 is where we really see where the chips lie. Which is convenient as week 4 is also the week John will witness the first player to ever come back from an achiLLes injury.

Will this week separate the winners from the losers? Or just scrambLe the rankings?

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

aLi & LTom

Both of you bums failed to score 90 points, let alone breaking 100. In a 2 flex league…. Turns out JJ can be stopped and Tom’s team looks about as inconsistent as StrohL’s. Just like Tom’s team name… Ya’ll Are Cook’d!

HonorabLe Mention

StrohL

StrohL gets honorabLe mention this week. Surprisingly not for scoring a low amount of points. Instead, he scored the most and now believes his team is really that nice. Classic StrohLy team, we’ll see him again on here.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

As our reigning, defending, UNDISPUTED champion Boris Durke wisely said about fantasy football, “the highs are high but the lows are even lower.” Imma come clean. Truer words have never been spoken. 

Speaking of Babushka, Dat Dude Dasta’s quest for back2back hit a bit of a rough patch, scoring a mere 78 points this week. Elsewhere in 1320, ol’ Tommy Toes only managed 84. 

But that is ok!

Why? Because the Giants are 2-0! The thing is though, thanks to the lows of fantasy, it’s hard for the couch to be too happy. 

Of course we can’t talk about this without mentioning the third tenant of 1320 S. 20th Street, the Bummissioner. 0-2. We’ll leave it at that for the best team. Heading through the Keystone State the Oracle was able to put up just shy of 103, albeit in a losing effort because he ran into an avalanche reminiscent of a pile of papers on a sticky pool table. The man who defeated him? Chaim Wolfson. His favorite team? The Ravens who blew a lead to the Tua-led Miami Dolphins in spectacular fashion.  

Why do we mention these two games? Well, even tho the Oracle and Bummish both lost, the Eagles look like the best team in the NFC. Yet, #ThisLeague has us fucked up. FeelsBadMan. 

It doesn’t even end there. Big Dog looks to have one of the best teams in #ThisLeague and was ready for a celebratory dart, only for the Flushies to have a monumental collapse against the Jets. The Jets. As a result, he settled for a mook. 

Football is a sick and twisted game and fantasy football is even more so. That said, that is why we’re all here. It’s for the peaks and valleys, but quite frankly, this valley we’re all currently in isn’t so happy at the moment. Can’t wait to see the mixed bag of emotions we get this week and the toxicity that is soon to follow. Gentlemen. Suck my dick. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 2 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 2) – Dan’s squad is on top this week after another easy 125 point performance. If he can consistently put up 125, the league is officially #OnNotice. A trade just to trade with Tom is risky when you are on top, but it appears to be a re-shuffling of the deck more than anything. As Shrooms would say “I’m fine widdit.”

2.       StooL – (previous ranking: 3) – Guess who’s back. Back again. After spending 2 years in the #PitofMisery, ya boy has managed to find his way out of the hole like the girl kidnapped by Buffalo Bill (sorry for the Silence of the Lambs spoiler, it came out in 1993 guys – you’ve had plenty of time). I’m ready to be heartbroken by Dan in our matchup which leaves us both in an unfamiliar position, playing to take over the top spot in the power rankings.

3.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Well, I caveat-ed (is that a word) my position of Zack’s team last week by pointing out that Ekeler, Etienne, and Pitts had bad days. Unfortunately for him, they (along with Chase) had bad days again. This is starting to look like a #Trend. Not worried because of the pedigree, but enough to knock him down a few pegs.  Lamar and Tyreek wont push 40 pts every week to carry him.

4.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 5) – Shrooms took my advice and rounded out his team a bit through the waiver wire. If he was “top heavy” last week, consider this the reduction surgery needed to help with those pesky lower back problems. Hopefully he can find a well-fitted trade or two in the next few weeks that would help “support” those big boys up top.

5.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 8) – Waddle Baby, Waddle Baby, Waddle Baby, Waddle. CJ and Bose are in the same tier here as they have some players who are playing wayyy over their head (or is this “the new norm”?). Tua is one great week away from being a line-up lock, and suddenly CJ’s team looks like it may have some real upside if he can fill out the roster with players coming back from injuries.

6.       Bose – (previous ranking: 10) – Bellott was probably under-ranked last week and I gotta own that.  Although I still don’t think his team is well balanced, the Sun God and Diggs are just unreal right now. Matt Ryan looks #Cooked and it’s affecting the whole offense, but if JT can put up the numbers we expected him to, Bellott will be just fine. Funny enough, the colts are probably wishing they had Bellz’s starting QB back RN.

7.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 4) – How the mighty are falling! I passed the low-score virus to Ali last week and this week he put up a league SEASON-LOW 78 points. Yikes. Hopefully he remembered to pass that virus to Dan for this week! He and the next man on our list are the only league members with fewer than 200 PF so far.

8.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 6) – Tom didn’t fair much better than Ali this week. Tom’s QB situation (which he thought would be a position of strength) is #NotIdeal with Tommy and Joey B. playing poorly thus far. Lucky for him, Dan was gracious enough to consent to a trade just to trade. His bench may start to look usable.

9.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 7) – Jack’s squad falls back down the ranks after a down week from Saquon, and Kamara missing the game. I’m giving him the edge over John here because I think his roster has more upside IF everyone is healthy (another spoiler: they won’t be). The loser of the Bozo Battle will be -200 for the Phony Bracket.

10.   Commish – (previous ranking: 9) – Week 2 of the Geno Smith experience has not treated John well. His hit list has been put on pause like a mafioso who’s gotta go to “school” for a little while. His team played pretty well and he still got stomped by Bellz. Mike WiLL made (his week bearable). The Bozo Battle this week will be must-watch. Next week we could see the return of TradeMasterJ.

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

I started off the first week 3-0, and cooled down last week. I went 1-2 because the LGiants decided to wake up after a decade and half absence from real football. Shame on me! We are however still in plus money, and my family for generations loves being in plus money. 

As always, gamble your shekel’s responsibility… Don’t spend 30 dollars on meaningless players that won’t help you, while also dropping 1st string running backs. That is of course unless you want to lose, and we know Jack is full of L’s. Don’t be a Jack!

The picks:

I have to say this week is tough. It is kind of like going through a lisfranc injury. Very tough injury, really not sure where things are going to go. That is sort of where we are this week. Saying that, the Chefs are only -6.5 against the Colts. Did Vegas watch the Colts last week? They were the worst team in the league. I think that line should be -10.5 or so. I LOVE the chefs -6.5 on the road against the colts.

I picked the Lions all of last year, and won 90% of the time. They were the best team against the spread last year, and they are on track to do it again this year. How are they still underestimated by Vegas? That team is very well coached. I know they have Jared LGoff, but they are solid this year. Just ask Eagles fans like me. +6 against the Vikings. I see that game being very close at the end. More like a 3 point swing one way or the other. Give me the Lions +6.

I am kicking myself for picking the Bengals last week and not the cowboys. I am not going to make the same mistake again this week. The Cowboys, led by Micah Parsons (a guy that James Franklin never used right) may be close to breaking the sack record this year. Shroomies might go into mourning if that happens. The LGiants are not AS bad as last year. Does that mean they are not bad? No, it means they are not AS bad as some others. In the right direction they go and the future is bright, but I find it hard they are going to score much against the Cowboys. Give me the Cowboys +2.5. 

Regular season record: 4-2

-CJ Wolfson

Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack

Not the greatest of mornings in Phony-DeLphia this past Tuesday morning… possibly
Wednesday afternoon when I woke up & saw DaLvin got CooKed by the SheagLes defense. I mean only 6 carries all game??? Absolutely pathetic. Either Coach O’Connell was ripping fat gibs before the game, or BeLLz sent him a copy of last week’s Bedtime Stories & he had no choice but to sabotage my sure fire predictions. My money is on BeLLz… so it was probably the gibs since I lose every bet I make. Not all was lost though… Henry showed his true colors against the Bills (which was expected, see week 1 esition) & Saquon still showed some promise once the Giants Bozo coaches decided to stop running Lanny Limes RPOs & give their star RB the goddamn ball.
Yes, I was BIG BITCHIN John voice… Lucky for y’all, I have plenty of new bedtime stories this week to eliminate those tough player matchup decisions, & most importantly to boost your bankroll in your favorite sportsbook. It’s time to take Sin City for everything they have! AyuH!!

Players NOT to sleep on:

Aman-Ra St. Brown, WR

St. Brown has been nothing short of spectacular to start this season. Although it’s unfortunate he plays for a dumpster fire of an organization, if he’s able to keep up this kind of production, he is DEFINITELY getting paid by somebody no matter what their record ends up being (very bad). Who’s to say the Packers might not fuck around & get their hands on him? Let me dream a little alright… I just had to watch Sammy Watkins lead the Packers receivers in yards. A win is a win though & it can only go up from here. Anyways, with easily BeLLz best pick of the draft (NOT Cam Akers LOL), St. Brown will continue his stellar season against a sad Vikings D that just let the phiLLY bums curbstomp them & go for 110+ rec yards & at least one TD.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	+105	+650	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+105	+650	O70.5 (-120)	U70.5 (-110)
Caesar’s	+113	+625	O70.5 (-119)	U70.5 (-115)

Justin Jefferson, WR

After last week’s disappointing showing from Jefferson (or the other-worldy showing from D. SLay Jr.), it should be a no-brainer that Jefferson is in for a BIG game this weekend. Coming off his worst game in recent past, he’s due for a 100+ rec yard 2 TD masterpiece against the BigL Detroit Lions, where they should’ve just stuck to motors (Shoutout BeLLz). This game is definitely going to be the one to throw your prop bet parlays at with the amount of offense that is going to trash the defenses. Although Mr. Too Good for Draft Weekend aLi will lose his matchup against BeLLz in terrible fashion, Jefferson will be his lone bright spot. Sleep on Jefferson & you’re sleeping on free money.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	-180	+330	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	-175	+295	O96.5 (-115)	U96.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	-175	+360	O96.5 (-119)	U96.5 (-115)

Players to put to sleep:

Any Player on CLeveLand or LsBurgh, Thu. 8:15PM

I feel the overwhelming urge to scream this when I say it. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES! I know the degenerates in #ThisLeague can’t wait to get their heemhooks on their sportsbooks for the first NFL game of the week. PUT IT AWAY! It’s a game played between two of the worst franchises in sports, CLeveLand & LsBurgh. Steer very clear of starting any of these players or placing any bets or just put yourself to sleep instead. You will only regret it.

Tyreek Hill, WR

Hill was the beneficiary of a pathetic 4^th quarter implosion of the Lmore defense. The DoLphins were down 35-14 to start the 4^th, at which point if you asked StooL, he was ~totally~ a die-hard SheagLes fan. But shortly after Hill took advantage of the pitiful Lmore secondary for a 48yd TD & 60yd TD in less than 3 minutes of game time, StooL was seen running to the dumpster to find the Dan Marino jersey he had thrown out at halftime…

 🚨🚨🚨PHONY ALERT🚨🚨🚨

Just like how his fantasy team gave a false performance this past week, so did Reek. Had they not been down so much, the Lmore defense might not have lightened up on Reek (bc they’re Losers), & Reek would not have seen so many late game targets. BabyLCeeJ will probably tell you differently though. Poor guy. Regardless, this week is a terrible matchup against the best team in the NFL… the Bills. So expect nothing more than a sub-par showing from Hill in a 2, maybe 3 quarter blowout without the garbage time payouts.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	-105	+650	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+105	+600	O73.5 (-115)	U73.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	+130	+700	O73.5 (-117)	U73.5 (-117)

DK MetcaLf, WR

Well it’s easy to say that we all saw this one coming… so I’m not sure if it was the blowbaine hangover or the shrooms the night before that told John that DK was a STEAL in the 3rd round. I really wish I could sympathize, but #ThisLeague is too toxic for that shit. In honoring the toxicity, I’m starting a petition for DK MetcaLf, worst pick of the 2022 draft! We knew it then & we know it now! A degenerate might say, “71 rec yards in the first two games… that means he’s due for a big game.” … I’m usually that degenerate, but not with this big Loser. If DK is on your roster this week, do yourself a favor- take some melatonin & hope your dreams of DK’s stats are better than the reality. It shouldn’t be very hard. While you’re at it, give DK some melatonin too so we don’t have to witness him embarrass himself anymore & send your rosters & bets to the shitter.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	———————–	———————–	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+170	+1200	O54.5 (-115)	U54.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	+170	+1100	O54.5 (-117)	U54.5 (-117)

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

This is an obvious instant classic, #ThisLeague is very excited for this week’s Game of The Week. The “Bozo BowL” as some are calling it. The highly anticipated matchup between 0-2 Jack and John. Could this be a preview of the phony bracket?

Good Luck boys

League Transactions

Biggest Phony of the Week

Alex StrohL

I copied this formatting over from a Newsletter from last year. StrohL was biggest phony that week as well (big surprise). I had to delete a lot of capitaL L’s from the end of your name, each signifying a big L you took. Here we are with your first L of the season, week 1, 82 points for. Not off to a hot start bud.

Honorable Mention

@bums

Other than StrohL as biggest phony of the week, it was hard to choose the next biggest phony. Vice Phony… Prince Phony if you will….
Bose would be an obvious answer. He drafted Cam “L 0 burger” Akers and Bum Dak. But he almost came back to win and scored 110 without 2 main players.
Then we have CJ and John, whose questionable drafts are already starting to show week 1 with sub-100 scoring.
Last but not least, Jack “Bozo” Kurtz. You talked a lot of shit this week bud, did you look at the scoreboard?? An L is an L, especially when you lose to a guy who had 2 players MIA. I wouldn’t get too comfortable just yet.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

As many of you are aware of, I am no longer allowed to comment on the Nits as I did not attend school there by demand of Dat Dude Dasta. As such, there will be no more #NitsWatch. Please give yourself a few moments for this news to sink in.

But that is ok!

Fortunately I did attend West Chester University, and they do have four fellow alumni along the offensive line for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. How did they do you ask? Well, Leonard Fournette was able to rush for 127 yards, good enough for 14.7 fantasy points. The only member of the Bucs offensive line that did not attend WCU, Donovan Smith, ended up leaving the game early with an elbow injury. As I did not attend the same school as him, I can say nothing else on the matter. Still, it makes you think.

Also, if I were allowed to comment on other schools, I’d also comment on how Chris Godwin also left the same game with a hammy issue of all things. Hmpf. But alas, the champ wants what the champ gets.

Speaking of Champ’s, Lenny and the Dub C OL helped power the Oracle to a win over Mr. Attack, and he now moves on to the Sultan of Sour Grapes himself for game deuce.

Time will tell how this factory of football freshness will fair this week, and surely we will be here to comment on it no matter the toxic outcome. #RamThis 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 2 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 2) – Zack’s team looks like it could be a juggernaut. Ekeler, Etienne, and Pitts had bad days and he still was able to squeak out the win.  James Robinson and Michael Thomas could be league winners if they continue to play like they did last weekend.

2.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 3) – Dan’s team is #Good and put up a bunch of points in Week 1. RBs are stacked with Antonio Gibson now no longer hindered by a pain-in-the-ass handcuff (pun intended), and CMC and Javonte could put up even more points in coming weeks. WRs leave a bit to be desired until Keenan Allen comes back. Trading one crown for another?

3.       StooL – (previous ranking: 1) – There’s an old saying in soccer – “Form is temporary, class is permanent.” Yours truly had an outlier pre-season week 4, but I ain’t worried…yet. RBs are even more stacked with Jeff Wilson, so if you need one, you know where to find me.

4.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 4) – I’m bad at math but I think Ali the Engineer has developed an Algorithm. He puts in one running back and a bunch of elite WR’s, and out pops a League Trophy. Some uncertainty at RB 2 with the Elijah Mitchell injury – otherwise history may repeat itself.

5.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 6) – Shrooms’ team is very top heavy. Looking at his starting roster is like watching seasons of Game of Thrones; the first 5 are like “wow” but by the time you get to 8 – very disappointing. Probably due to some bad #Homer draft picks. The scary part is that he can probably put up 125 per week with the 5 he has, but will need to scour benches and the waiver wire to fill out the squad.

6.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 7) – Tom’s team took a hit this week with the Dak injury.  CeeDee looks more like a WR2 than the top 5 guy we thought was a possibility. In addition, Brady and Burrow didn’t look great last week, but again it was pre-season Week 4. Tom’s bench is fairly unusable, so he could be in for some rough bye weeks.

7.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 10) – Jack’s squad jumps up the ranks this week after a downright filthy display from the greatest RB these eyes have ever seen, Saquon Barkley. Unfortunately for Jack, his entire team will be injured by Week 6, his bench is pretty thin, and he just spent $25 on Deebo’s little brother, Curtis Samuel (Deebo 0.5™). I hope Curtis can line up at RB for you in Week 7!

8.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 8) – CJ’s team is solid.  His RBs could be stacked if CEH continues the season the way he started it and JK Dobbins is supposed to be back soon. Unfortunately, the best fantasy QB on his roster is Tua, and he has a gigantic question mark at WR without Chris GODwin (who could have guessed).

9.       Commish – (previous ranking: 9) – Now to John’s Lsquad. If I told you a team’s best RB was Darrell Henderson and best WR was Christian Kirk, what would you think?  That’s right – bottom of the barrel. With Zeke having a bad OL and DK not getting deeper than 5 yards downfield, Johnny is still in prime position for the phony bracket. He will need Cam L. Akers to stay on the sideline to have a chance to climb out.

10.   L Akers– (previous ranking: 5) – Bellott is the caboose for a few reasons.  The reasons are Cam L. Akers and Laine Dakota Prescott.  Bellott will rely on Kareem Hunt to stay afloat. Yikes… 

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

I started off last week 3-0 much to the dismay of second place 2021 fantasy player Boris Durke. He could have told me multiple times why I suck at picking spreads, but he didn’t show. Oh well!

In any event, I am going to keep it simple this year with my picks. The Bozo picks of the week named after Jack’s wonderful boyfriend. Yes YOU Jack not ME!?

As always gamble your shekels responsibility and if you don’t well there is a probably a good Jewish lawyer near you. Everyone but Shroomies is allowed to call!

The picks:

Panthers +2 against the Giants is juicy. Giants won a game which means they won’t do it again. The panthers are the better team and since Baker is somewhat healthy I like this spread a lot.

Bengals -7.5 against the Cowboys. Joe burrow is rusty. If he were black, Strohl and the rest of the media would be all over him, instead, we get the usual crickets. Hmm. In any event no Dak, and the Bengals mad. Give me the Bengals -7.5. They win big.

NE -1.5 I watched the NE game (some of it at least). We know Bose didn’t so I can assure you that doLphins game was a lot closer than it looked. NE prime is over and their team doesn’t really have many good players. Saying that Pitt lost it’s best player on defense and their “star” running back is limping around with lisfranc disease. I am not actually kidding. Idc what the media says his touches will be limited. He was awful last week when he did get touches anyway. Give me NE -1.5, there is a reason they are a road favorite.

Regular season record: 3-0

-CJ Wolfson

Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack

Good morning Phony-DeLphia! Or afternoon… or maybe it’s evening? Shit I don’t know I just woke up. I hope I didn’t sleep through the games or I’ll have to ask BeLLz for his favorite game highlights channel. You know, since he doesn’t watch.

I’ve once again been given the opportunity to contribute to #ThisLeague’s newsletter, & after napping with Bozo for half of draft weekend, I am just well rested enough to accept. Now brush your teeth, get tucked into bed, & let me help put you Lbums to sleep with my best bedtime stories about your lineups (StooL) & BETS for this coming weekend.

Players NOT to sleep on:

Saquon Barkley, RB

Yes, Saquon tops my list of players to NOT sleep on this week, & you’re just going to have to get used to the idea that SAQUON IS BACK! He’s two years removed from his torn ACL, & he looked a lot like the pre-ACL Saquon that we all grew to know & love. He is currently the leagues top RB & I don’t see that changing against the 30^th ranked defense in the Carolina Panthers. I mean, these guys just lost to the Browns… need I say more? Bet the house on Saquon this week.

DaLvin Cook, RB

Although I’m usually very biased in my judgment of Cook, there’s no denying that he has a picture perfect matchup this week against the SheagLes in the city of L’s. Monday night game in PhiLLY against the worst rush defense in the league… all lights are on Cook to have an explosive game. PhiLLy just gave up 35 points to a pathetic Detriot Lions team, which included 144 rush yards & a TD from D’Andre Swift. Now that they face a real opponent, expect DaLvin to Cook the Lbirds for 100+ rush yards & 2 TDs.

Players to put to sleep:

Derrick Henry, RB

Henry has become somewhat of a folk tale with what he was able to accomplish last year before breaking a bone in his foot. The numbers he was putting up were unbelievable… & when I looked at StooL’s screen before the draft, I saw just how great those numbers were. Unfortunately for StooL, those days are in the past. The current Tennessee offense just isn’t strong enough to stay in the game with anybody, especially not the Bills. Say night night to King Henry for the 2^nd straight week of minimal production & single digit scoring.

CeeDee Lamb, WR

No Dak, no problem. NOT! Dak going down couldn’t be greater for America (bc fuuuuck the Lboys), but it couldn’t be worse for the clear cut WR1 Lamb. Coming off of a breakout season & Amari BUM going to cLeveLand, expectations were set very high for Lamb. But realistically without Dak, there’s absolutely no benefit of having CeeDee in your lineups or your bets… unless you want to lose. Do yourself a favor & rock CeeDee to sleep on your bench this week.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Lots of interesting games already in week 2. This season seems to magical in that everyone is already worried about week 1 results. No over-reacting here!

Bose has a big match up against John. Bose obviously looking for Akers of redemption, but unfortunately John has the entire KC and LAC offenses. Both Bose and John will be anxiously watching DK MetcaLf this week.

StrohL is some how projected to beat Tom. I don’t think any of us believe that. Let’s see if StrohL can break triple digits this week.

Good luck boys

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