Biggest Phony of the Week

Lbud Zack

I don’t even need to tell you why this week, just look at the scoreboard. The reigning champ put up a whopping 68 points to start the season. Better hope your team turns it around or it’s going to be a LLLong season.

Honorable Mention

@bums who Lost this week + aLi

6 teams scored less than 100 points this week. I think that’s a new League record for week 1. Normally this would be concerning. However as we all know, week 1 does not matter!

Players to Watch

imma come clean

We are finally underway and the toxicity is flowing faster than a starburst flavored beverage in #ThisLeague. There’s a lot we could talk about, such as me getting clowned for yet another pre-draft trade, the stinkeroo that was the battle of our last two champions, Strohl being Strohl, or the fact that Jack’s team snapped. So many fireworks in so little time of actual football being played.

BUT

Just like the adage goes that nothing said before the word “but” matters, the same can be said for week one. It doesn’t matter! With week 18 replacing week four of preseason, the most out of pocket stuff usually goes down, and rarely ever reflects the season as a whole. The real season is on the horizon, and as a very handsome, and fertile, Oracle likes to say, everyone’s a gangster before bye weeks and injuries start. Speaking of which, check in on your running backs and make sure they’re alright. A lot of valuable draft capital was used on the position.

Until next time when things actually matter.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Dr. StooL’s Week 1 Phony Odds Diagnosis

+200 – Dr. Spots – Not much to like about my fellow Dr.’s team. He will rely heavily on Hurts, Bijan, and Batman to keep his nose above water. Excuse the metaphor, but they are the final three tendon strands of Rodgers’s Achilles entering the 4th play of the game.

+400 – Ooga Booga – I may be a doctor, but I don’t play one on TV and I am pitching a GIANT blue tent right now. This team is cooked. All injured running backs, no WRs makes this team…good enough for +400.

+550 – Got Gibbs? – This team is one more injury from dire straights. Tommy may be fine if Kupp comes back or if Kareem Hunt finds a team, but otherwise don’t let Week 1 fool you.

CJ’s Radio Show

Addy Lines with Ooga Booga
Week 1

Boy does it feel good to get these addy-less fingers going after a long off-season. I haven’t touched an upper since LphonyJ shoved black market smelling salts in my nose & force fed me barbershop cocaine. It’s no wonder I smoked Tom in ping pong & took a snooze on the toilet afterwards. Ah, good times. Also wanna give a quick shoutout to the phony who pissed on my sunglasses in the toilet. Very well might’ve been me, so in that case shoutout ya boi Ooga! Y’all are in for a treat today because not only did the Ooga gods bless me with the best fantasy team (til they’re all hurt), they also blessed me with the best & worst addy lines for the week. Don’t tell AddyJ… but my shit is much better. OogAyuH!!

HOOVER HOLE

TB Buccaneers (-2.5) vs CHI

The amount of disrespect Zack’s ex boyfriend Baker bum gets continues to blow my mind. Sure, Justin Fields can run the ball some, but have you seen that TB front line? No way in hell Chicago comes outta Tampa with a win… especially after getting absolutely molly-whopped at home by Green Bay last week (LOVEd that). Do yourselves a favor & get your favorite plate, heat it up in the microwave, line up your fattest line & hoover that bitch straight up your nose hole because we are taking Vegas for everything they owe us back from last week!

Los Angeles Chargers (-3) @ TEN

Is Vegas just giving us money this week or are there just an insane amount of idiots betting on a Derrick Henry comeback game? No way this can come back to haunt me or anything… but forreal this line seems way too weak for a team that just put up 34 against a decent defense. Not to mention they’re up against a pathetic offense in Tennessee that couldn’t score a single touchdown in week 1. I know what you’re thinking- it’s Justin Herbert & Mr. 200% why would I put any trust in them? Because BabyL is starting Mr. 200% & he owns Vegas. It’s no coincidence. So go to the bank, withdraw everything, go to your barbershop & take them for EVERYTHING they own. It’s only a matter of time before the books accurately reflect how piss poor Tannebum & that offense is… so hoover it up while you still can!

TOILET BOWL

NY Giants (o22.5 Total Points) @ AZ

I’m not sure I’ve stopped laughing about how god awful the Lmen were on Sunday night. I take that back- I stopped laughing as soon as I remembered I’m stuck with the 2^nd worst keeper of this year (sorry StooL, but there’s no coming back from donut Lee Higgins). The worst RB1 in the league L boy dunce man showed his true colors & nobody was surprised. Not even Tom… but that’s because he’s already used to shitting on his team’s superstars to make himself feel better about their nonexistent championship hopes. JUUUUULIUS!! Everyone who picked up from AddyJ, do yourselves a favor & flush those mids down the toilet bowl. If LphonyJ or aLi time it right, they might catch Tom doing the same.

NY Jets (+9.5) @DAL

Down goes AAron & up rose the Lets to a miracle win in OT against the league’s biggest underachievers, the Josh aLLen led biLLs. I can confidently say that the Ooga gods favored the Lets on Monday night. Unfortunately, that’s the last time a miracle like that will happen for them. DaLLas just smoked the Lmen in embarrassing fashion. In case you forgot (Tom & aLi), the final score was 40-0 & L boy dunce man set a new record that no TEAM has done in an ENTIRE SEASON. Let’s go over it shall we…

No NFL team has ever:
–   Lost 40-0 or worse

–   Lost the sack battle 7-0 or worse

–   Lost the turnover battle 3-0 (or worse)

–   Had a blocked FG returned for a TD

–   Threw a pick-6

In the same SEASON…

The Lmen did it all in ONE GAME!

OogAyuH!! That’s gotta hurt! Sorry L boys but even though it can only go up from here doesn’t mean it’ll translate to wins. Gotta flush L boy dunce man & his $160M bones before you’ll see a championship contending squad ever again. Sad! But true. 

Alright getting back on topic-  I hate to give DaLLas any credit for anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to, since the Lets will get a reality check & take a hard fall off their miracle win addy mountain. If you happen to catch any white powdery rocks falling off with them, do yourselves a favor & flush them with the Lmen bums for the rest of the season.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

VisuaLized Stats for VisuaLized L’s

I’ve been trying to think of new ways to visually show some important statistics in a very simple way.
Projected Points Scored by Week
Actual Points Scored by Week
Performance Tracker – actual points/projected points. Over a value of 1 means you beat your projection
Race to Phony – ESPN playoff % chance by week

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