Phony Tracker

Biggest Phony of the Week

#ThisLeague

Lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!1!!

How the FUCK are you bums going to let my sorry ass team into pLayoffs!! Every single one of you is biggest Phony for this week and the entire season for letting me sneak into playoffs.

Lets recap on the journey here:
Drafted CAM L AKERS in the 4th round
Absolutely was riddled by injures for most of the regular season, most weeks with at least 1 player putting up a dud
I did not make a singLe trade even though I was told by multiple people in #ThisLeague that my team was toast and I needed to trade for Phony Bracket insurance
I had 4 weeks in a row with less than 100 points

And yet I still took that last pLayoff spot (per usuaL)….
To recap on some of the highlights, I beat Mr. 2 cents Pee Pee Pants and his partner in crime aLi twice this season, sending both to their demise. And how could we forget gLorious big brain stooL. Oh and did I mention I didn’t need to trade to saLvage my team??

Anyway…..
Enjoy the Phony Bracket L boys. Don’t ask me the rules because, well, I’ve never been there.

And for the rest of yaLL… fuck you put some respeck on my name.

Descent into Madness

Speaking of our LovabLe group of L boys, lets take a brief look into each’s descent into L madness…

Starting last and working our way up we have Lshroomies the LoracLe! The oracLe foresaw this future! It was all planned!
What do we say in #ThisLeague? Draft better! And this year Shroomies certainly did not. Pittman as your 2nd rounder and WR2, Josh ALLen (who is very good) but taken early in the 5th, Devonta Smith in the 6th, and wrapped up with Renfrow in the 8th. Yikes! you had some good pieces, but you ended up trading them or they got injured (Kupp, James Conner, Aiyuk, Pickens). This is a case of bad GMing and less of Luck. Shroomies you better start mock drafting for next year and ask CJ where he gets his book.

Next up we have former champ, aLi.
aLi only had a few questionable GMing decisions. Drafting Sutton in the 3rd, Cooks in the 6th, and Russ in the 11th. Russ not cooking (or rather strictLy cooking aLi’s team) hurt aLi early in the season. But he was able to bounce back with some good trades (dropping bums Elijah Mitchell, Aj Dillon, and Gabe Davis and fLeecing stooL for David Montgomery, George Pickens, and Rhamondre Stevenson). aLi averaged higher scoring than both Bose and StrohL, but had some bad luck including losing when he put up 162 points.

In third pLace we have Mr. ConsuLtant, consistently the best team, the Bummish himself: John WheeLer.
I hate to admit it but John was the most unLucky! this year. He was in 3 close games that he lost by less than 8 points, including a loss to Bose by 0.02 (LMFAO) in a critical must win week. Having said that, he also made some questionable GMing decisions. Keeping Lisfranc in the 1st round, drafting a WR corp of MetcaLf, Mike WiLL Didn’t Make it, JuJu, Crispy Kirk, GoLLaday, and Devante Parker. He then let his emotions get to him and traded Najee and Metcalf for Aj Brown. Let’s hope those consuLtant fees are refundable…

Last but not least we have Mr. Big Brain himself, StrohL.
StrohL almost making pLayoffs is kinda an enigma when you break it down at this point in the year. StrohL’s draft strategy was 0 WR in a WR heavy league. His first 3 WRs drafted were Terry McLaurin, Tee Higgins (keeper) and Darnell Mooney. He then proceeded to go onto making net negative trades for himself throughout the season. StrohL holds the regular season record for lowest points per game (100.8) and most games under 100 points (7, literally half of the season). It really is amazing that you were a game and a kyLer acL away from pLayoffs. If I were you StrohL, I would be very, very worried.

Well good luck to these L boys. Us kings will watch you peasants tear yourseLves apart in the Phony Thunderdome.

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Players to Watch

imma come clean

It’s been an honor writing the longest-standing section on Newsletter history, dating back to the days of it being sent out as a weekly rag via email before the days of the website. With Chanukkah right around the corner, it’s the season of giving. As such, what better way for me to give back than to get the thoughts of #ThisLeague on how the playoffs and Phony bracket will go. I’ll provide my two cents (Mr. 2 cents???) of course, and considering I barely have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of at this point, consider that a big deal. So let’s get to it gents.

BOSE:

Championship is going to be Jack vs Zack. Their names may rhyme but one is an angel and the other a demon. Phony bracket is going to be the battle of the big brains, Shrooms and strohL.

Oracle’s two cents: far be it from me to guess who’s who in the championship picture, considering both have (allegedly) engaged in nefarious activity in the past. Also nice having my wumbo brain complemented.

DANIMAL THE MANIMAL:

Champion Prediction:

Tom – It actually was better that he lost last week, because it sets him up for a much more likely path to the championship, with an easier first round matchup and avoiding Zack’s team until the finals. He’s my pick for the new champ.

Phony Prediction:

Strohl – Experience in the post szn matters and this guy has it. His team is dropping like fLies and Murray will end up being the nail on the coffin. He’ll act like he’s been here before and take back his rightful seat on the throne of Ls.

Oracle’s two cents: can’t say I disagree with any of this. Dan the mf Man always keeps it a buck thou and I’m just glad I wasn’t mentioned

STOHLY POHLY OHLY:

Bellott beats Zack, Tom Beats Dan, Tom beats Jack, CJ Beats Bellz and CJ beats Tom in the chip.

Ali will lose to Shrooms this week and John will beat me. I will beat Ali and Shrooms to remain safe, John Will win out and Ali will end up 0-3 to be Phony.

Oracle’s two cents: wow this mug gave a whole bracket prediction. Surely this won’t backfire on him so that’s all I’ll say about that

COCK JOB:

Strohl is phony

Zack is the winner

Oracle’s two cents: there are some that think the “C” in CJ stands for “champ”. If that’s the case, much like Chanukah it looks like the C is silent in CJ.

MR. ATTACK:

Dan 129.32 Tom 125.89 Zack 137.14 Bose 85.25

Jack 149.23 Dan 126.12 Zack 104.85 CJ 79.36

Jack 138.74 Zack 126.63

John 126.52 Strohl 63.12 Ali 101.99 Shroomies 77.97

Shroomies 89.73 Strohl 74.21

Strohl = Phony

Oracle’s two cents: I have nothing to add. This dude went above the call of duty with his picks to include scores with how he sees this modern warfare going.

BORIS:

Tom – Champion

Strohl – Phony

Oracle’s two cents: straight to the point. It’s also his most lengthy contribution to the newsletter so there should be no complaints.

BIG DAWG:

I’m obviously betting on myself for the chip and I think strohl gets phony

Oracle’s two cents: who would have thought the first person to pick themselves to win the whole shebangabang is the person who is in the running for being an Angel. I don’t hear no bell ringing tho.

TOMMY TOES:

I got Zack or the winner of Dan or my game this week in the chip and I think Zack is winning this year

Phony might be you Shrooms

Oracle’s two cents: hearing this come from someone who was once roomies with Shroomies is tough but fair.

THE BUMMISSIONER:

Unfortunately you Shrooms for Phony.

If the eagles win the next two games they clinch the 1 seed so Dan might be fucked. Bc we winning lmao. I’m gonna go with Jack for champ unfortunately.

Oracle’s two cents: It really be your own smh. Most tag teams eventually break up, but usually one goes on to win single’s titles…

#ThisLeague CONSENSUS:

CHAMP: ZACK

PHONY: STROHL

I wish you all good fortune in the wars to come. No need for screenshots or pinning here. This should be hilarious to come back to on the website.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 14 Very Objective Power Rankings

These are not predictions of who will win this week. That is in Shroom’s column.

1. Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 5) – Like the dorky girl you’ve had a crush on since Middle School who suddenly gets contacts and a makeover after you ask her to Prom, Tommy is about to get hot at the right time. His running back issues have sorted themselves and there was never really much doubt about the WRs. All of his players hitting on the right cylinders in the same week could be damn scary. If only he played Kittle on Thursday…

2. Cock Job – (previous ranking: 2) – Anyone hear about CJ’s new favorite team? EagLes? DoLphins? Nope, it’s the 49ers. Text me when that joke hits. But this ranking is less about recent performance and more about future performance. Because CJs shitshowing was so bad, I feel like the next few weeks will overcorrect. What goes down must come back up. Not to mention he has a first-round bye.

3. Bozo – (previous ranking: 1) – I feel like Jack’s team is trending downward. The running backs he counted on all season are on bad teams and/or banged up and may end up being rested when they are out of the playoffs, not to mention Tyler Lockett and Deebo are injured for the year. Luckily Jerick “$30” McKinnon was available! The only reason he is this high is on the list is the first round bye.

4. King Phony – (previous ranking: 4) – If Dan can get past Tom this week, I think he has a decent shot at winning the whole shebang. His squad is sneaky good. No matter the result, Dan needs to be commended for his in-season roster moves and squad flexibility. If there is one thing we all know about Dan, he has an affinity for flexibility. When all three facets of that joke hit, text me. The Fantasy Executive of the Year Award goes to him.

5. Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 3) – Zack’s squad went off last week. TBH he was kind of due for an explode week with his slew of boom or bust players. And if Zack boomed like Hindenberg last week, he will be Kate Upton-busty this week. I don’t think Zack’s team can consistently put up the high scores necessary to beat some of the more consistent teams here.

6. Bose – (previous ranking: 7) – As Bellz told me last week, “Whichever one of us makes it to the playoffs is toast anyways. I’m sorry to say that he was correct. He is Toast AF. Again, these are not predictions on who will win THIS week. Bellz has no actual chance to win the chip.

Phony Week 1 Very Objective Power Rankings

1. Commish – (previous ranking: 9) – John’s squad is too good for the Phony Playoffs. Remember, the phony bracket is about being the slowest midget at the circus, and the bear only eats the shortest runner. I may be mixing my metaphors, but I think you know what I mean. Right?

2. StooL – (previous ranking: 6) – I am fucking tired of this. Tee (glASSman) Higgins is a disease. You know who I’ve had on my team every year in the Phony Bracket. Yeah, that man. I think my Squad is good enough at RB to save me, but the QB situation isn’t great right now.

3. Shrooms – (previous ranking: 10) – While I don’t think Shrooms team is very good, I project that he will just about sneak by. Shrooms has the unique luxury of having some decisions to make based on matchups rather than feeling like he has players that are locked in as starters. I will say, some of the names in his lineup would make me VERY nervous, but as you saw with my flexes last week, playing the matchups can really work out.

4. Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 8) – Boris has had a rough year all around. Mike Evans, Aiyuk, and Rhamondre are all on the downward trend. I think the narrative of him going from drafting us under the table, to being stuck at a waffle house table is too perfect. I need that in my life. All Hail King Phony!

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week

It is tough being a birds fan, it really is. All we do is win, while others complain. Look at those Little GMen. They thought they were good, not so fast. Some people even pretend to be fans of ours, which is fine. Jump on the bandwagon, we welcome everyone on the birds train. Choo Choo. Saying that, I know the birds better than most. They rock the lowly bears this week. Give me the Birds -9, and put more than 28 cents on it.

The Texans shocked the world last week by almost beating the cowboys. Patty Mahomes threw three picks against the Broncos. Both of these things don’t happen again. Not a chance in this world. We have a better chance of Wentz coming into the game this week and winning a game. So the chances are zero. Give me the Chiefs -14 in a blow out.

Usually I bet against the Lions on the road. However, they just played the LGiants and smoked them at the same stadium they are playing this week. This isn’t saying much considering the LGiants won their SB by beating a former MVP. Then they decided that football wasn’t fun anymore. Oh no! Anyway the Lions are red hot, the Jets are cold cold. Give me the Lions +1.

Regular season record: 17-17

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Jack has been asLeep for a very long time. I gave him a 2 week notice to get something written in time but he never work up in time to text me back. UnfortunateLy for him, it is now pLayoff time. If he doesn’t wake up in time he might not have time to set his lineup and over pay for a mediocre fantasy RB even though his WRs are toast. What are you going to do. It’s Life.