Biggest Phonies of the Week

BummishJ + Lshroomies + aLi

Y’all already know. Are 3 first finalists for the phony bracket. I’m sure I (Bose) will be joining you Bozo’s soon. For now, enjoy playing your last 2 regular season games knowing they mean nothing.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

I didn’t wanna have to do this. My 2022 fantasy season is (99%) dead. One more L and there’s no more digging up this dead body. Fortunately when I see any shenanigans I always come clean. 

But that is ok!

Last week is behind us but since we’re tardy for the newsletter party this week I can reflect on this one more time. 

Jackson Favre Kurtz. My son. For about two weeks after a World Series you were an unbelievable douchecanoe. Why? No idea. Sure our fantasy game was reason to talk shit but at that point it was already feeling gratuitous.  I even got my own section dedicated here. So I figured I return the favor. 

You see, the football gods stepped in. John left you high and dry at the Eagles-Packers game with your $400 tickets (about $150 in resale) so you could be there in person to watch the Pack Attack get absolutely son’d by the 10-1 Iggles, effectively ending their season and sending the Pack Packing. I mean 40 points and 363 rushing yards?! That is about as close to the Packers getting the dicks of the Eagles shoved in their collective eyes. And you got to be there. Cold as an Ice Cube getting fucked by the Eagles. With No Vaseline. 

Now you may get even with a fantasy title this year. Your team is solid. In fact I was the only one who defended both the lineup and your decision to pick 8th after you got laughed at then outscored everyone but Dan (and me) week one. Guess you forgot. 

Until that happens, you deserve every bit of punishment me and my tag team partner have dished out. Baby Bro. Wah!

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 13 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 2) – Who is ranked number 1?  That’s a clown question Bro. It’s Señor Payaso, our newest Inter Miami fan. Jack was entering “lights on, nobody home” stage around the time of the Jacobs overtime TD, so he probably thought he was going to lose to John until he woke up on Tuesday afternoon. As long as Jack sets his lineup for the playoffs, he should have a good shot at the chip. I said one nice thing about him so I am happy to take this opportunity to ask Jackson: what would you call it when someone has a deep affection for basketball sneakers with a jumpman logo?

2.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 3) – I would have liked to rank CJ number 1, because I think his team is performing very consistently right now, but the way Jack’s team has been racking up points any given Sunday… oooahh. CJ didn’t take my advice (smart) and kept Tua as his QB, and that looks to have paid off. CJ may not have to ask his fiancé to buy him a trophy this year, and she may not be the only one who will be receiving a ring (eyes emoji).

3.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Zack’s team has come back to earth in recent weeks, mostly because of the Jamarr Chase injury, but also Lamar hasn’t been quite the same. And that’s not to mention his Tight End. He will really need to massage that position through the waiver wire over the next few weeks. Because everyone knows that you can’t make someone else massage your tight end for you. Well, almost everyone. His team is fine though, and he will be a tough out in the playoffs.

4.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 9) – This is my first Hot Take of the week. Just a straight squad vs. squad look, on paper, I would rather have Dan’s team than Tom’s going into the playoffs. The only trouble is, Dan still has to officially make the playoffs. I say that watching this gross MNF game in which he has three starters playing. Although it’s early, I am happy to prematurely declare (and probably jinx) that we will not have our first Princess Phony (that we know of).

5.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 4) – I have underrated Tom’s squad all year. And I thought to myself, why stop now? He is going to make the playoffs, and then he will lose in the first round. Unless he plays me, then he will definitely win. Like the Giants, he somehow has 7 wins and you’re not quite sure how or why. Anyway, I hate all of Tom’s team right now except for his receivers and maybe Joe Burrow. He should talk to his Giants about the importance of WRs.

6.       StooL – (previous ranking: 6) – I refused to write this during MNF and jinx myself. Your Boy is squarely in the playoff hunt with games against Shroomies and Bellz to go. I have two terrible bye weeks though.  Whose bright idea was it to extend byes to week 14? This is why we boo you, Roger. Anyway, if I somehow make the playoffs I will undoubtably lose in the first round. But I would be fine with that after two straight years in the Phony Bracket.

7.       Bose – (previous ranking: 10) – Bellz had a good weekend. His favorite team won the B1G East and is probably going to the playoffs. His fantasy team kept him in the hunt for a playoff berth and effectively pushed Ali to the Phony Pit. Funny enough, Bellz will play against Dan next week, and then plays me in week 14. He holds his destiny own hands. I thought Bellott’s team was left for dead about 3 weeks ago. If only Justin Fields was healthy…

My advice to the following three gentlemen who are not accustomed to the Phony Bracket: Concede these next few weeks and get your shit together for the playoffs.

8.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 7) – Boris will have had the least amount of time to prepare for the Phony Bracket, with only two weeks of waiver wire prep and no trade ability. Nonetheless, his team is good enough to win a couple games against the Phony Bracket @bums.  The idea in the Phony Bracket is to have a team that won’t shit the bed for 2 out of 3 weeks.  Ali has that. The next two are another story.

9.       Commish – (previous ranking: 8) – Anybody been watching the protests in China? Well, those people have been oppressed and the riot is their recourse. Relegating Johnny to the Phony bracket has been our collective recourse. Whether John knows it or not, his trade with Dan a few weeks back has narrowly saved his season. His team is not bad enough to be King Phony.  I predict the Commish will scrape by.

10.   Shrooms – (previous ranking: 5) – Josh Allen is really going to waste away in the Phony Pit.  What a shame.  Shrooms is a -200 favorite for King Phony at this stage.  We are going to have to (air) pump the brakes on the whole Oracle thing for the next year. But seriously, one must wonder if Dameon Pierce will pick up a mysterious injury in practice this week and be out for the rest of the season. Shrooms’ team has limited depth as it is, and losing anyone at this stage would be a death sentence.

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week

I am being forced to do these picks this week against my will. Last week no one else decided they wanted to do their section. Even if their section consists of 3 words and an emoji. Imagine that! Maybe I will protest by not starting a TE. Stay tuned! 

This week’s picks are especially nice because I will be in Vegas. I own Vegas because I win so much, so they probably will want to take this site down.

The LfLushies are a 7 point favorites on the road. They have the expert in “illegal touching” penalties coming back to play. The Texans are the worst team in the NFL, no one is debating that. However, this is the NFL and if you don’t show up you will lose. LRapist Watson hasn’t played in 2 years, and I don’t think he will play particularly well in this game. In fact, I think he gets benched. It is too late though, give me the Texans +7.

The Lions, the Lions, the Lions. They lost a tough one against a good Bills team on Thanksgiving. Now they play an LJags team that won because the refs decided that they were playing college football last week. Apparently, 1 foot = TD nowadays in the NFL. Who knew!  Anyway Goff loves some home cooking. If this was a road game I would think differently, but it isn’t. Give me Det +1.

I am still convinced the Bengals are complete phonies. Not as much as Shroomies and his obsession with the Eagles (weird), but they are phonies. KC a top 3 team comes into the Lcincy and rocks them. 2 points isn’t enough for me, I like them by 5-6. Give me KC -2.

Regular season record: 15-13

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Jack has been asLeep for weeks. We had heard that we woke up briefly to go to the Packers (cooked) vs EagLes game, but no one has seen or heard from him since. He probably went back to bed. If anyone see’s him, ask him how the game was.

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Boys, do we have some hot matchups this week or what!?

All eyes are on the 6-6 boys; Bose, DanieL, and StrohL. Bose and Dan matchup this week and Srohl has Shroomies. 1 loss could send any of these boys spinning.

We also have the 7-5 boys Zack and Tom matching up. Not as interesting as the 6-6 matchups, but there is a world where Zack or Tom slides into the Phony Bracket.

Good Luck boys

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