Biggest Phony of the Week

Ltom

Tom don’t take this one personally bud, most of us had a terrible week. You just happen to get the Lcrown this week since you are the only one averaging less than 100 points a game. The way this season is going the phony bracket will be more competitive than the winners bracket.

HonorabLe Mention

Everyone eLse who Lost this week + aLi

Ya’LL know what you did. Jack you suck too.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

Nothing about this season makes sense. Like. At all. 

New York is on a heater in football which nobody saw coming. It’s also good because in other sports they appear to be having trouble with heaters. Teams we thought would be good are ass and teams we thought would be ass are… well they aight. 

Of course there is one team that we knew would be good but is currently the only unbeaten team in the NFL this Szn. We won’t talk about them on their bye since their winning ways has nobody wanting to talk about them when they’re playing, except when on the off-chance their QB takes a hit. 

Fantasy doesn’t make sense either. TE is a wasteland for the most part, no RBs are doing much of anything, and the ones that are we’re all just waiting for them to inevitably blow a tire. It’s caused all of the ones at the top of PF to be scattered all throughout the standings. It’s the one year nobody can claim “they have the best team” this point in the season. 

We love mayhem. Especially with us doing our GMing! duties. However, all of this mayhem is too much, causing everyone to talk a big game in the groupme about trading, but leads to NOBODY FUCKING TRADING. The fear of fear itself is crippling the Polio-ridden GMs of #ThisLeague with no newsworthy moves to report on @BUMS Now that byes are upon us let’s see where this chaos takes us to next. Should be tons of fun. Can’t wait to be underwhelmed. 

P.S. Go Phils

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

So another 2-1 from me with my picks last week. I am two games over .500, which is totally fine for gambling. Our second place finisher will tell you differently, but that is why he was second, and I was first!  If you’re + money you’re good to go. If anyone knows this, it is my family and their prestigious resume with handling shekels for the world. In any event we have another week upon us, and I am staying so far away from the LBucs. How did they lose the Lburgh? I have no idea, and neither does the rest of America. On to this week’s picks.

The Seahawks grabbed me a win last week, and even a moneyline win. This week they face a really banged up Chargers team. I watched them play the LBroncos on Monday night. They were STRUGGLING, and I believe they will continue to do so. The Seahawks are underrated at this point. Why? Probably because their QB is an RB! We all know those cannot win games, but they can cover! Give me the Seahawks +5.5.

You know what does not happen often? Patty Mahomes losing two games in a row. It won’t happen this week either. They play a very good defensive 49ers squad. It won’t matter. The Chefs beat the 49ers and they do it by more than 3. I just don’t see the 49ers winning this game based on personnel. I think the Chefs matchup very well against them, and beat them easily. Give me the Chefs -3.

I made an incredible amount of money last year on the Lions and the Texans. I will tell you why. Both of those teams were the best ATS, and it is because the public thinks they are worse than they are. Do they lose a bunch of games? Yes they do. Do they lose by a lot? Most of the time, they do not. So why are the raiders -7 after starting 1-4? I will tell you why. America doesn’t watch these squads. Sort of like Bose, he has no idea who to pick up on fantasy because he does not watch! The Texans are NOT 7 points worse than the Raiders. 3-5 points I can see, but 7 no chance. Mills will keep this close. Give me the Texans +7.

Regular season record: 10-8

-CJ Wolfson

Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack

Good morning, good evening, but definitely NOT goodnight you big L phonies! It’s Wednesday night & as I’m sitting here sipping a vanilla coffee old fashioned, I’m reflecting on all of the shit that stooLLL has talked not only about my team, but basically everybody’s team… all of which are significantly better than his. Except beLLLLz, but that goes without saying anymore. Since my new job requires me to be up at the ass crack of dawn every day, these won’t be bedtime stories anymore, but instead they will be Lunch Break Addy Lines with SLeepLess Jack. Get excited CJ! Also worth noting, since beLLLLz decided his family was more important than keeping up with his weekly obligations to #ThisLeague, I decided to boycott last week’s newsletter. & boy am I glad I did because the NFL as a whole was a fucking shitpile all over the place. The steeLers beat the Bucs… the Giants beat the Lmore bums… & worst of all, the J-E-T-S Jets spanked the Packers. Lord knows I wish I had been asleep for that game. The only expected outcome was the sheagLes remaining undefeated… but their time will come in classic Loser phiLLy fashion right when their phony fan base (stooLLL) has their hopes at their highest. 

In unrelated but equally as important news, the NBA started last night! & with that, I’m already up a solid $660 with more to come… so let’s take that big winning energy into week 7 of the NFL & FINALLY win some mother fucking money!! A fucking yuH!!

Players w/ Dr. prescribed Vyvanse:

DeAndre Hopkins, WR

With the highly anticipated return of one of the greatest WRs in today’s game, Hopkins will immediately be tossed back into the mix for a HUGE game. With Marquise Brown out for the season & enough PEDs coursing through his veins to stunt the growth of a daycare, he will be absolutely unstoppable against the Saints. Not even a prime Deion Sanders with Tom’s long middle fingers would be able to stop the terror that Hopkins is going to induce on the New Orleans secondary. It’s going to be a fucking slaughter. With the amount of PEDs Hopkins has readily at his disposal, we should assume he will have some high quality Vyvanse *Waterboy voice* crushed up & ready to be shot up his nostrils prior to kickoff. Throw all of your bloody rolled up addy dollars at Hopkins going for 110 receiving yards & at least 1 touchdown.

Allen Lazard, WR

Now before any of you Losers has anything to say about the state of the Packers & how poorly they’ve been playing, fuck y’all. I mean losing to both New York teams in consecutive weeks… I never thought I’d be ridiculed by members of both sides of the dirtiest place on Earth that we know as Jersey. Yes Tom, you’re included in that. The Giants have looked much better, but I have no doubt the Jets will fall off their high horse in no time. Now let’s move to what’s important: the Packers winning games & Lazard turning into a top 10 receiver.

Lazard has been a lone bright spot in a very dark place that is the Packers offense. But let’s not forget that it’s still two-time reigning MVP Aaron Rodgers in command, & that is nothing to take lightly. Lazard has 4 touchdowns through 5 games played & has established himself as the clear cut #1 & top redzone target for Rodgers. With that kind of consistency, you can confidently blow your nose to clear a passage for all of the high grade addy you’re about to inhale in anticipation of Lazard’s 8/120/2 statline against a weak Commanders secondary.

Players w/ CJ’s plug:

Christian Kirk, WR

After starting the season averaging 6/89/1 through 3 games & looking like Trevor Lawrence’s preferred WR1, Kirk has dropped off DRASTICALLY. In the next 3, he has only caught 7 balls for 95 total yards & a sympathy touchdown. There was a time when I was inexperienced in the betting game… & in that time I would’ve expected a bounce back game from Kirk. But that bounce back is 2 games too late which indicates that this is the norm for him. It looks like he & Trevor might’ve celebrated a little too hard after week 3 & gotten their noses caught up in some of CJ’s stuff. If that’s the case, it’s all downhill from here (shoutout New Found Glory… the real ones know.) In a tough matchup this weekend against the Giants, Kirk will continue his poor play against the league’s #1 secondary. Take every precaution picking up this week & take all of the unders or don’t be surprised when you find yourself feeling under the weather.

David Montgomery, RB

Somehow stooLLL was able to pawn off this bum to the reigning cheater champ aLi, which makes me wonder how unLucky we all must have really gotten against him last year. With that level of decision-making, it’s no question he will be fighting against beLLLLz for last place. You could say Montgomery has been the only positive in a pathetic Bears offense… but that’s only if you’re watching the games with beLLLLz (doesn’t watch the games). He is slowly on his way out with the arrival of soon-to-be RB1 Khalil Herbert. Whether it’s from his lack of actual skill, an injury, or a bad batch from CJ’s plug, it’s bound to happen in the coming weeks. Do yourselves a favor & skip picking up this week… unless you want to end up assed out on the couch wishing you’d never hoovered that last line.

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

Everyone at the bottome of the standing plays the guys at the top this week. Meaning there is likely to be some absolute blow outs.

Jack vs StrohL has me interested. Both talk a lot of shit and StrohL still thinks his team is good. Jack has been very unLucky this year so you never know!

Good Luck boys

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