Phony Tracker

Biggest Phony of the Week

Bose

Last newsletter aLi was here for 2 back to back performances under 100. Well I took notes and did the same thing, at least I scored more than 66. The good news is aLi went on to score 160 the next week which means I will do the same thing this week, right guys?!? ……………….. guys?

HonorabLe Mention

Ltom

The only thing cook’d, sir, is your team. Starting a full squad and still projected less than 100….. yikes!

Players to Watch

King Phony Tryna to Tell Ya Something

Prince / Princess Phony due March 2023!!

imma come clean

Gentlemen. It’s been a fun start to the season. The shit talking has been at a premium (as of course is tradition) but now the chickens have come home to roost, and we’ll see just who grew a lil too big for their britches.

That is because my dear bud buds, bye weeks are here and the real season has begun.

Like a certain wise and wonky-eyed Oracle loves to say, because it always holds true, everyone’s a gangster before the bye weeks and mid-season injuries start hittin. Now we’ll see who truly has been practicing “GOOD GMing!”

While some have started hot like King Phony and some cold like the Champ (life comes at you fast) these jumbled standings won’t last. Mr. Attack leads in both PF and PA but sits at 2-3 (been there) and Dan the Man looks loaded at RB, but has the second lowest PA only to Strohly Pohly Ohly. Because of course. Meanwhile Tommy Toes is 3-2 with the LEAST amount of PF. So there’s that.

The funny thing is with this outta pocket start to the season we haven’t heard much about who has the best team like we usually do by this time. Makes you think.

The thing is, while the start of this season has been batshit crazy, there’s still a lotta pigskin to play.

Water always finds its level and the cream rises to the top. Fortunately for the Oracle, Cash Rules Everything Around Me.

I wish you all good fortunes in the wars to come. And now it begins.

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 3 Very Objective Power Rankings

1. Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Ms. Riley Reid would be awfully disappointed with you my friend. Spending too long on top is not her style (or so I’ve been told). A loss is not automatically a drop in the rankings. Lamar had an off week, he got a goose egg from the TE, and he still put up 112. You gotta get a sustainable TE to keep your spot at the top next week.

2. Cock Job – (previous ranking: 3) – I’m starting to sense a trend. That is, whoever BetJ starts at QB is going to have a terrible performance. Bet the under on all QBs CJ plays. That being said, CJ is still finding ways to win fantasy games. His squad and bench are pretty stacked. He should probably trade some of those players for a reliable QB from some bum team.

3. StooL – (previous ranking: 4) – It’s a good thing this league doesn’t have relegation, because I would probably have been pushed to your semi-competitive work league after a horrendous 2020, then into your 8-team family league with your grandma (where players like Jaylen Waddle and Miles Sanders are available on waivers) after my nearly as terrible 2021. But so far this year, I feel like I’m an upper mid-standings team. I’m fine here but I’m hoping to make the playoffs and then anything is possible.

4. King Phony – (previous ranking: 2) – Don’t look now, but Dan’s team has recently hit a rough patch. Less than 115 (the new 2 Flex League “Standard” IMO) three weeks on the bounce. He had to start Devin Duvernay and Elijah Moore last week. He will get a few WRs back in the next few weeks, but another injury or two and the upcoming bye weeks spell trouble. Starters are still really solid though and if he can make it to the playoffs healthy, or scrounge up a flex or two, it could be the proverbial “Scary Hours.”

5. Bozo – (previous ranking: 9) – Started from the bottom now we here. Jack is proof that two weeks is a long time in fantasy football. Back-to-back weekly high scores is eye popping. Josh Jacobs is looking like a league winner. We all laughed when Jack picked him. We gotta own that. If Jack puts up another top score this week, he could easily be moved into the top 3.

6. Shrooms – (previous ranking: 6) – “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, except herpes, that shit sticks with you.” That’s a line from one of my favorite movies, The Passion of the Christ. You’re probably wondering where I am going with this, but Shrooms has had a flexually transmitted disease (FTD) for 2 years now. He got it from Mike Williams. Jakobi Meyers might be the cure he’s been searching for. He’s played well in every game he was healthy for this year. Shrooms had a nice week last week, but 30 points from Leonard Fournette is not sustainable. If his flex problem is solved, he will be in the top half of our rankings next week.

7. Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 7) – Brian Robinson is officially the starter. The Breece Hall trade with Dan from week three is looking worse and worse. Tom has a major hole at RB until Cordarelle and Swift come back. Tom’s WRs are looking good though, and are only likely to get better with the obvious steroid user Hopkins coming back from suspension. IMO we shouldn’t test these guys until they start to look like Bonds and Arod. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Anyway, Tom was able to squeak past John in the Monday night shootout. He stays put at 7 for another week.

8. Commish – (previous ranking: 5) – Before the season started, who would’ve thought that John would have a few reliable WRs but no reliable RBs? A funny thought I had – on a podcast I listen to, the talking head recommended that Najee owners offer a trade for Ken Walker. I doubt our league’s Ken Walker owner would want anything to do with Liz Frank. Anyway, John has major RB problems, worse than I thought, and I can’t in good conscience put him anywhere above Tom. I think he should try to take the L on Najee and trade him away, if he can.

9. Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 10) – I was just about to write how I felt you may have fleeced me in our trade last week. But then Khalil Herbert ran like 70 yards and I remembered I’m still good getting rid of the Bears RB headache. I still wish I kept Rhamondre, but you gotta give something to get something. Anyway, you are up off the bottom this week, and that’s mostly because of our trade. You have the potential to move up towards the middle of the pack in the coming weeks if Rhamondre is that dude.

10. Bose – (previous ranking: 8) – It’s still bad. To be fair, Bellott’s team looks good on paper, but hasn’t played well. That’s mostly down to JT. He was the lead singer of N’SYNC and then went solo and everything went to shit. What? What JT were you thinking? No but forreal other than Diggs and the Sun God, Bellott has a lot of bigger name players on poor offenses. Take it from a former King Phony – that is a recipe for a trophy, and not the good kind. Make a trade or two now while you still can!

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week

Well last week I wrote up a detailed section, and it was never shown. That is ok! Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. In gambling, it is not better if you lose! That is unless you have stock in the gambling company then it is a win/win! Speaking of winning, you should be + money if you follow my picks. That is how my family rolls in the shekels! Let’s keep this going with a good week once again.

The Bucs are coming off a game that they somehow garbaged up at the end. They were winning 21-0, and then let the LFalcons back into it. Two weeks in a row they’ve looked lost in parts of the game. That WC offensive line needs to get it together. Saying all of that, they get the worst team in the NFL this week. That would be Lburgh. Lburgh is the worst team right now, and it isn’t close. They are not doing anything right, which for me is great! Let those yinzers cry. All they care about is football up there, and they stink! It is an awesome sight really. Let them wave those “terrible” towels all they want for their terrible team. They are terrible and NOW they have a bunch of injuries. The Bucs are a -8 favorite on the road. Brady kills Lburgh even when they were good. Give me the Bucs -8, I think the line should be somewhere around -14.

Arizona looked somewhat competent for about 10 minutes in the Philly game, and that made the game close. Vegas is going recency bias, but I see right through it. Arizona might be the second worst team in the league. The Seahawks are cooking right now. Geno Smith looks great mostly because he is an RB. The man can sling it. It would get more attention if he was white, but you know… I don’t understand the Arizona -3 on the road. That line is busted, give me the Seahawks +3, and I might even dabble on their moneyline.

I hate to do this as the second biggest bird fan here, but my number one goal is to make you money. I don’t bet with emotions, I bet with reality. Something Jack may never be in, as the pit gets deeper and darker for him. The Eagles are a -6 point favorite against the Cowboys. This is a divisional game against two big rivals. We may or may not see Dak this week. I really don’t care if we do, Cooper Rush’s game management is superb right now. The Cowboys are relying on their top 3 defense to win games. The Birds are going to get their first real test on defense this week. It might be their only test during the regular season as my prediction of 17-0 still stands. I see the birds winning this game per my prediction, but not by 6 or more. That line is too much for my liking. This is going to be a very close game. Give me the Cowboys +6.

Regular season record: 8-7

-CJ Wolfson