Phony Tracker
Biggest Phony of the Week
aLi
Wow bud. 2 back to back weeks under 100 and only 66 this past week. Not good! 66 very well may be the lowest score ever in #ThisLeague. You are currently averaging 88.3 points/game…. aka straight to the phony bracket. I hope you understand the phony bracket rules bud!!
HonorabLe Mention
L boy Jack
Jack would have easily taken Phony of the Week if it weren’t for aLi’s abysmal performance(s). Jack is 0-3 and took a fat L from the Bummish in the Bozo BowL. Looking like a real nice Phony matchup between Jack and aLi.
Players to Watch 
imma come clean
As if it’s a surprise to anyone, it appears that the sense of trust amongst the members of #ThisLeague is at an all-time low. So with that being the case, Dear Maria, please count someone in to trade.
The lack of trust is affecting everyone’s GMing! because nobody feels like they can negotiate without feeling like the other person wants to completely fuck them over, leading to ludicrous asking prices. It’s honestly a damn shame.
Of course there will be trades this season and in many seasons to come, unless of course catastrophe occurs that results in #WeNotPlaying. However, future trades will be more reflective of the low fanfare “blockbusters” that Dan the Man has become famous for, and he already made one such trade with Tommy Toes this year. Did you know that? Bet not.
With the fear of being screenshot into oblivion at a fever pitch, the Oracle fears that trades will become less and less exciting, because #ThisLeague will be afraid of having their takes on the trade exposed for all to see, whether they were involved in the trade or not.
Of course, in the spirit of having Old Takes Exposed (TM), it would be a real shame if somebody wanted to prove Shroomies wrong about this and make something happen. Like I SUPPOSE I can reopen the DMs to help the cause on my end as well smh.
-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton
Scoreboard
ALex StooL’s Week 3 Very Objective Power Rankings
1.1. King Phony – (previous ranking: 1) – Even after a down week, Dan’s team remains at the top of the Power Ranks. Leading the league at 3-0, it appears there will be no B2B King Phony. Dan is currently +350 for the Phony bracket. If Dan can make a trade to upgrade his bench for bye weeks, he will have a good shot at a first-round bye in the playoffs.
2. Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 3) – Zack moves up a spot despite the loss this week, but his team should really be better than it has been performing. Zack does have some nice bench depth to package with underperforming big names which is a recipe for a trade with the league bottom feeders. Lots of QB needy teams in the league, so Ayahuasca Aaron should be on the move!
3. Cock Job – (previous ranking: 5) – L’chaim! Happy Rosh Hashanah! CJ has one of the strangest teams in the league. Chubb is RB1, Andrews is TE1, Waddle is WR3, Dalvin is injured, and the rest is currently cobbled together week to week, injury report to injury report. The weird thing is that it’s working. I am having a hard time deciding where to rank him, but I think CJ has the makings of a really nice team when it all comes together and everyone is healthy. Maybe CJ could trade Tua and Godwin or Dobbins for some consistency at QB?
4. Shrooms – (previous ranking: 4) – Shrooms’ team had a weird week, but I like the direction his team is heading. Bad matchups for a lot of his best players and he still put up 115. He has the ingredients for a chip; Great QB, an Elite WR, solid (goal line) RBs, and a rotational set of matchup-dependent bench players. He just has to know when to play who (like every year). Look for him to consolidate some bench pieces for a TE upgrade.
5. Bose – (previous ranking: 6) – Bose is moving up a touch here, and if he had a reliable QB he would be much higher. Dak’s return could elevate his team to the top 4 in The Ranks of Power (much better than House of the Dragon). His WRs are stacked and the RBs are improving. Bellott could probably put together a nice trade package to consolidate some of that WR talent for a RB or QB.
6. StooL – (previous ranking: 2) – I’m heartbroken and down bad. David goddamn Montgomery would have scored at least 15 points this week if he stayed healthy. I needed that W over Daniel. No wonder Kyler prefers to be playing Call of Duty, his teammates suck and the scheme looks stale. I still have a solid squad if I can make it through a week healthy and am looking to maybe acquire an additional usable bench piece. Lets make a trade!
7. Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 8) – Tom finally got some points from a QB and was able to squeak out a win. His RB situation is in limbo because of the Swift injury, and his bench is still weak. He can’t afford another injury until DHop comes back. Tom is a sell-off candidate to acquire some rotational talent for bye weeks. Hit me up bud!
8. Commish – (previous ranking: 10) – Johnny finally got his first win of the season in part because DK “WR45” Metcalf actually caught a TD. On the surface, John’s score appears to be a sustainable, well-rounded performance. Don’t be fooled, John had remarkable TD luck this week and is still -105 for the phony bracket. Watch out for a sell-high trade where John absolutely fleeces someone!
9. Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 7) – If it weren’t for Cl0-3wnboy Jack, Boris would be deep into the sunken place. No one thought he would out-do his horrible performance in Week 2, but he ended up with a 60 burger (think White Castle, not Five Guys). In fact, his bench scored more points than his starters. Boris needs to trade for a QB and a RB to get back on track, but every time I text him about a trade he just says “No.” He is happy to subtweet his roommates about trades tho…
10. Bozo – (previous ranking: 9) – Call him Boz0-3, Cl0-3wnboy Jack, or even Jadeveon CLOWNey, Jack is 0-3. Is DJ “WR60” Moore droppable? Jack also needs to make a trade, but every time I text him he tells me my players suck and are injury prone… Did anyone check to make sure that Bozo wasn’t actually Pennywise, because this man appears to have had his brain eaten. He is -200 for the phony bracket, but “it’s life.”
Bozo Picks of the Week
NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week
Once upon a time, a second place finisher from last year said “bet against CJ no matter what”. If you did that, you would be out A LOT of Shekels. Last week I went 2-1 because somehow the Chefs got the yips against Matt Ryan. Otherwise we are looking at ANOTHER 3-0 week for the champion. The NFL doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? Sort of how three time Dan LPhony is in first place. Anyway, I digress.
As always, gamble your shekel’s responsibility…
Hopefully you see this before the Thursday night game. You may not because the dictator usually doesn’t text his one sentence in time. Really a shame that is, but anyway. Are the Bengals really that bad? No, they are not. Are the Dolphins really that good? No, they are not. The line says the Bengals are a -4 point favorite to the Dolphins, Even with injuries, I just don’t see that. The Phins are waddling around and winning games. Too many weapons on that team, and with a better than avg defense, I see this game being close. Within 1-2 points is my guess, which means I take the Phins +4.
A LOT of people in this group told me David Mills was horrible blah blah blah. I warned all of you, the guy can play. You all tried to tell me LMatt Ryan is better than him LOL. This week Houston gets a pretty beat up Chargers team coming into town. On paper sure the Chargers seem better, but Houston is in every game they play. A LOT of that is David Mills! I could easily see them winning this game. -5 is too much, I love Houston +5 this week.
Last week I was burned by the Chefs. Do I think they burn me again? No way! They play the Bucs (who by the way are starting an O-Line from West Chester University). If you didn’t know where or what that is, you should! Let me tell you it is a POWERHOUSE school with tons of NFL players. Those players are not better than the Chefs however. Brady has as many TD’s as broken tablets this season. Not good! Is it finally father time? I will never rule him out, but this game is a trap for the media. Don’t let the line fool you. The Chefs role the Bucs. Give me the Chefs at -1.
Regular season record: 6-3
-CJ Wolfson
Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack
I’m ashamed to say my bedtime stories have not only put my fantasy team to sleep, but my bets took a snooze as well. DK scored his first TD of the season… Justin Jefferson was smothered & devoured by the Lions D (no homo)… & St. Brown limped his way to a 6/73/0 receiving line. I mean come on, EVEN the Thursday night game was full of players hitting their overs. My only saving grace was Reek being put to sleep, but per usual, I hedged & lost that bet too. Down a solid $300 on the year thus far, we’re going to take a different approach this week- we’re going to take every one of my predictions & do the exact opposite. Because what else could go wrong?
Players NOT to sleep on:
Lamar Jackson, QB
As much as it pains me to say this, we have to acknowledge the incredible start to the season for RB1 LJ & the Lmore bums. Had the Lmore defense not royally fucked up against Miami, they would be 3-0 & on top of everybody’s objective prgower rankings. Well except StooL’s, but his rankings are trash. I swear I will roll my work car down a hill if he has himself ranked anywhere above 9th this week… & that’s only because I already know his bitch ass has me at 10th. I may be 0-3 (unLucky), but at least I haven’t scored in the 80s not once… but TWICE in 3 weeks. Regardless, LJ is on a heater & won’t be stopping anytime. Though he may lose to the Bills, he will fill up the stat sheet as he’s done every week up to this point. Stuff your bets with LJ going for 300 pass yards, 3 pass TDs & at least 60 rush yards.
Mike Evans, WR
Coming off of a week suspension for his baby fight with Lattimore, Evans will immediately be thrown back into the mix for a big game. It was evident that Brady missed his favorite target in their 14-12 loss to the Pack last week (a win is a win… fuck y’all). Evans will be Mr. Caesar’s Hot & Ready to go Sunday night against a sub-par Chiefs team that has done nothing to impress us so far. Expect Evans to snap off for over 100 rec yards & 1, maybe 2 TD in spectacular fashion.
Players to put to sleep:
Antonio Gibson, RB
At first glance, Gibson may not look like he’s had such bad start to the season. 11th ranked RB & two TDs through 3 games. But upon further inspection, he really hasn’t been very productive for the amount of touches he’s gotten. 14/58/0, 14/28/1, & 12/38/1. Without the TDs, he doesn’t touch top 30 RB territory. Not to mention Brian Robinson Jr. is set to come back week 5 & will immediately take those valuable goal line touches away from Gibson. Don’t let Tom fool you when he tries trading him to you this week… he knows exactly what he’s doing. Fucking Jersey. Gibson has a tough matchup this weekend against a brutal DaLLas Lboys D that includes next DPOY & former Nit Micah Parsons (suck it Shrooms). Don’t take Tom’s advice & make sure to send Gibson to bed early this weekend before the Lboys do it for you.
Miles Sanders, RB
Just like the rest of the PhiLLy RBs, Sanders has yet to do anything noteworthy for the SheagLes to start the season. Even though Sanders has outpaced the other SheagLes RBs in touches by a substantial margin (Sanders 51, Gainwell 13, Scott 11), each RB has scored 1 TD on the season. So regardless the matchup, it’s still too hard to be able to determine who will get into the endzone. Not to mention, Hurts has taken over RB1 privileges in PhiLLy for the time being. It’s no coincidence that Sanders’ rushing numbers have decreased each of the last 3 games. RB1 Hurts > RB? Sanders. If you’re hoping Sanders gets back on track against Jacksonville this weekend, you’re mistaken. PhiLLy gets sent back to reality in an embarrassing 20 point loss to the red hot Jags, & Sanders never gets to wake up from his pregame nap after going down 14-0 early & never gaining ground the rest of the game.
*Don’t forget that I lose every bet I make. So if you want to win this week, DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAY. Cheers gentlemen… I’ll see you all on Tuesday after my post weekend bender slumber.*
-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz
GAME(S) OF THE WEEK
It was very difficult to choose a game of the week this week. As I always say, week 4 is where we really see where the chips lie. Which is convenient as week 4 is also the week John will witness the first player to ever come back from an achiLLes injury.
Will this week separate the winners from the losers? Or just scrambLe the rankings?
Good Luck boys
Phony Fantasy 