Biggest Phony of the Week

aLi & LTom

Both of you bums failed to score 90 points, let alone breaking 100. In a 2 flex league…. Turns out JJ can be stopped and Tom’s team looks about as inconsistent as StrohL’s. Just like Tom’s team name… Ya’ll Are Cook’d!

HonorabLe Mention

StrohL

StrohL gets honorabLe mention this week. Surprisingly not for scoring a low amount of points. Instead, he scored the most and now believes his team is really that nice. Classic StrohLy team, we’ll see him again on here.

Players to Watch

imma come clean

As our reigning, defending, UNDISPUTED champion Boris Durke wisely said about fantasy football, “the highs are high but the lows are even lower.” Imma come clean. Truer words have never been spoken. 

Speaking of Babushka, Dat Dude Dasta’s quest for back2back hit a bit of a rough patch, scoring a mere 78 points this week. Elsewhere in 1320, ol’ Tommy Toes only managed 84. 

But that is ok!

Why? Because the Giants are 2-0! The thing is though, thanks to the lows of fantasy, it’s hard for the couch to be too happy. 

Of course we can’t talk about this without mentioning the third tenant of 1320 S. 20th Street, the Bummissioner. 0-2. We’ll leave it at that for the best team. Heading through the Keystone State the Oracle was able to put up just shy of 103, albeit in a losing effort because he ran into an avalanche reminiscent of a pile of papers on a sticky pool table. The man who defeated him? Chaim Wolfson. His favorite team? The Ravens who blew a lead to the Tua-led Miami Dolphins in spectacular fashion.  

Why do we mention these two games? Well, even tho the Oracle and Bummish both lost, the Eagles look like the best team in the NFC. Yet, #ThisLeague has us fucked up. FeelsBadMan. 

It doesn’t even end there. Big Dog looks to have one of the best teams in #ThisLeague and was ready for a celebratory dart, only for the Flushies to have a monumental collapse against the Jets. The Jets. As a result, he settled for a mook. 

Football is a sick and twisted game and fantasy football is even more so. That said, that is why we’re all here. It’s for the peaks and valleys, but quite frankly, this valley we’re all currently in isn’t so happy at the moment. Can’t wait to see the mixed bag of emotions we get this week and the toxicity that is soon to follow. Gentlemen. Suck my dick. 

-Brandon “Shrooms” Thornton

Scoreboard

ALex StooL’s Week 2 Very Objective Power Rankings

1.       King Phony – (previous ranking: 2) – Dan’s squad is on top this week after another easy 125 point performance. If he can consistently put up 125, the league is officially #OnNotice. A trade just to trade with Tom is risky when you are on top, but it appears to be a re-shuffling of the deck more than anything. As Shrooms would say “I’m fine widdit.”

2.       StooL – (previous ranking: 3) – Guess who’s back. Back again. After spending 2 years in the #PitofMisery, ya boy has managed to find his way out of the hole like the girl kidnapped by Buffalo Bill (sorry for the Silence of the Lambs spoiler, it came out in 1993 guys – you’ve had plenty of time). I’m ready to be heartbroken by Dan in our matchup which leaves us both in an unfamiliar position, playing to take over the top spot in the power rankings.

3.       Bookie Z – (previous ranking: 1) – Well, I caveat-ed (is that a word) my position of Zack’s team last week by pointing out that Ekeler, Etienne, and Pitts had bad days. Unfortunately for him, they (along with Chase) had bad days again. This is starting to look like a #Trend. Not worried because of the pedigree, but enough to knock him down a few pegs.  Lamar and Tyreek wont push 40 pts every week to carry him.

4.       Shrooms – (previous ranking: 5) – Shrooms took my advice and rounded out his team a bit through the waiver wire. If he was “top heavy” last week, consider this the reduction surgery needed to help with those pesky lower back problems. Hopefully he can find a well-fitted trade or two in the next few weeks that would help “support” those big boys up top.

5.       Cock Job – (previous ranking: 8) – Waddle Baby, Waddle Baby, Waddle Baby, Waddle. CJ and Bose are in the same tier here as they have some players who are playing wayyy over their head (or is this “the new norm”?). Tua is one great week away from being a line-up lock, and suddenly CJ’s team looks like it may have some real upside if he can fill out the roster with players coming back from injuries.

6.       Bose – (previous ranking: 10) – Bellott was probably under-ranked last week and I gotta own that.  Although I still don’t think his team is well balanced, the Sun God and Diggs are just unreal right now. Matt Ryan looks #Cooked and it’s affecting the whole offense, but if JT can put up the numbers we expected him to, Bellott will be just fine. Funny enough, the colts are probably wishing they had Bellz’s starting QB back RN.

7.       Boris “The Champ” Durke – (previous ranking: 4) – How the mighty are falling! I passed the low-score virus to Ali last week and this week he put up a league SEASON-LOW 78 points. Yikes. Hopefully he remembered to pass that virus to Dan for this week! He and the next man on our list are the only league members with fewer than 200 PF so far.

8.       Mr. Jody Fortson – (previous ranking: 6) – Tom didn’t fair much better than Ali this week. Tom’s QB situation (which he thought would be a position of strength) is #NotIdeal with Tommy and Joey B. playing poorly thus far. Lucky for him, Dan was gracious enough to consent to a trade just to trade. His bench may start to look usable.

9.       Bozo – (previous ranking: 7) – Jack’s squad falls back down the ranks after a down week from Saquon, and Kamara missing the game. I’m giving him the edge over John here because I think his roster has more upside IF everyone is healthy (another spoiler: they won’t be). The loser of the Bozo Battle will be -200 for the Phony Bracket.

10.   Commish – (previous ranking: 9) – Week 2 of the Geno Smith experience has not treated John well. His hit list has been put on pause like a mafioso who’s gotta go to “school” for a little while. His team played pretty well and he still got stomped by Bellz. Mike WiLL made (his week bearable). The Bozo Battle this week will be must-watch. Next week we could see the return of TradeMasterJ.

Bozo Picks of the Week

NFL BOZO Spread Picks Of The Week 

I started off the first week 3-0, and cooled down last week. I went 1-2 because the LGiants decided to wake up after a decade and half absence from real football. Shame on me! We are however still in plus money, and my family for generations loves being in plus money. 

As always, gamble your shekel’s responsibility… Don’t spend 30 dollars on meaningless players that won’t help you, while also dropping 1st string running backs. That is of course unless you want to lose, and we know Jack is full of L’s. Don’t be a Jack!

The picks:

I have to say this week is tough. It is kind of like going through a lisfranc injury. Very tough injury, really not sure where things are going to go. That is sort of where we are this week. Saying that, the Chefs are only -6.5 against the Colts. Did Vegas watch the Colts last week? They were the worst team in the league. I think that line should be -10.5 or so. I LOVE the chefs -6.5 on the road against the colts.

I picked the Lions all of last year, and won 90% of the time. They were the best team against the spread last year, and they are on track to do it again this year. How are they still underestimated by Vegas? That team is very well coached. I know they have Jared LGoff, but they are solid this year. Just ask Eagles fans like me. +6 against the Vikings. I see that game being very close at the end. More like a 3 point swing one way or the other. Give me the Lions +6.

I am kicking myself for picking the Bengals last week and not the cowboys. I am not going to make the same mistake again this week. The Cowboys, led by Micah Parsons (a guy that James Franklin never used right) may be close to breaking the sack record this year. Shroomies might go into mourning if that happens. The LGiants are not AS bad as last year. Does that mean they are not bad? No, it means they are not AS bad as some others. In the right direction they go and the future is bright, but I find it hard they are going to score much against the Cowboys. Give me the Cowboys +2.5. 

Regular season record: 4-2

-CJ Wolfson

Bedtime Stories with SLeepy Jack

Not the greatest of mornings in Phony-DeLphia this past Tuesday morning… possibly
Wednesday afternoon when I woke up & saw DaLvin got CooKed by the SheagLes defense. I mean only 6 carries all game??? Absolutely pathetic. Either Coach O’Connell was ripping fat gibs before the game, or BeLLz sent him a copy of last week’s Bedtime Stories & he had no choice but to sabotage my sure fire predictions. My money is on BeLLz… so it was probably the gibs since I lose every bet I make. Not all was lost though… Henry showed his true colors against the Bills (which was expected, see week 1 esition) & Saquon still showed some promise once the Giants Bozo coaches decided to stop running Lanny Limes RPOs & give their star RB the goddamn ball.
Yes, I was BIG BITCHIN John voice… Lucky for y’all, I have plenty of new bedtime stories this week to eliminate those tough player matchup decisions, & most importantly to boost your bankroll in your favorite sportsbook. It’s time to take Sin City for everything they have! AyuH!!

Players NOT to sleep on:

Aman-Ra St. Brown, WR

St. Brown has been nothing short of spectacular to start this season. Although it’s unfortunate he plays for a dumpster fire of an organization, if he’s able to keep up this kind of production, he is DEFINITELY getting paid by somebody no matter what their record ends up being (very bad). Who’s to say the Packers might not fuck around & get their hands on him? Let me dream a little alright… I just had to watch Sammy Watkins lead the Packers receivers in yards. A win is a win though & it can only go up from here. Anyways, with easily BeLLz best pick of the draft (NOT Cam Akers LOL), St. Brown will continue his stellar season against a sad Vikings D that just let the phiLLY bums curbstomp them & go for 110+ rec yards & at least one TD.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	+105	+650	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+105	+650	O70.5 (-120)	U70.5 (-110)
Caesar’s	+113	+625	O70.5 (-119)	U70.5 (-115)

Justin Jefferson, WR

After last week’s disappointing showing from Jefferson (or the other-worldy showing from D. SLay Jr.), it should be a no-brainer that Jefferson is in for a BIG game this weekend. Coming off his worst game in recent past, he’s due for a 100+ rec yard 2 TD masterpiece against the BigL Detroit Lions, where they should’ve just stuck to motors (Shoutout BeLLz). This game is definitely going to be the one to throw your prop bet parlays at with the amount of offense that is going to trash the defenses. Although Mr. Too Good for Draft Weekend aLi will lose his matchup against BeLLz in terrible fashion, Jefferson will be his lone bright spot. Sleep on Jefferson & you’re sleeping on free money.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	-180	+330	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	-175	+295	O96.5 (-115)	U96.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	-175	+360	O96.5 (-119)	U96.5 (-115)

Players to put to sleep:

Any Player on CLeveLand or LsBurgh, Thu. 8:15PM

I feel the overwhelming urge to scream this when I say it. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES! I know the degenerates in #ThisLeague can’t wait to get their heemhooks on their sportsbooks for the first NFL game of the week. PUT IT AWAY! It’s a game played between two of the worst franchises in sports, CLeveLand & LsBurgh. Steer very clear of starting any of these players or placing any bets or just put yourself to sleep instead. You will only regret it.

Tyreek Hill, WR

Hill was the beneficiary of a pathetic 4^th quarter implosion of the Lmore defense. The DoLphins were down 35-14 to start the 4^th, at which point if you asked StooL, he was ~totally~ a die-hard SheagLes fan. But shortly after Hill took advantage of the pitiful Lmore secondary for a 48yd TD & 60yd TD in less than 3 minutes of game time, StooL was seen running to the dumpster to find the Dan Marino jersey he had thrown out at halftime…

 🚨🚨🚨PHONY ALERT🚨🚨🚨

Just like how his fantasy team gave a false performance this past week, so did Reek. Had they not been down so much, the Lmore defense might not have lightened up on Reek (bc they’re Losers), & Reek would not have seen so many late game targets. BabyLCeeJ will probably tell you differently though. Poor guy. Regardless, this week is a terrible matchup against the best team in the NFL… the Bills. So expect nothing more than a sub-par showing from Hill in a 2, maybe 3 quarter blowout without the garbage time payouts.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	-105	+650	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+105	+600	O73.5 (-115)	U73.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	+130	+700	O73.5 (-117)	U73.5 (-117)

DK MetcaLf, WR

Well it’s easy to say that we all saw this one coming… so I’m not sure if it was the blowbaine hangover or the shrooms the night before that told John that DK was a STEAL in the 3rd round. I really wish I could sympathize, but #ThisLeague is too toxic for that shit. In honoring the toxicity, I’m starting a petition for DK MetcaLf, worst pick of the 2022 draft! We knew it then & we know it now! A degenerate might say, “71 rec yards in the first two games… that means he’s due for a big game.” … I’m usually that degenerate, but not with this big Loser. If DK is on your roster this week, do yourself a favor- take some melatonin & hope your dreams of DK’s stats are better than the reality. It shouldn’t be very hard. While you’re at it, give DK some melatonin too so we don’t have to witness him embarrass himself anymore & send your rosters & bets to the shitter.

SportsBook	TD Scorer	2 TD Scorer	Over	Under
FanDuel	———————–	———————–	——————-	——————-
DraftKings	+170	+1200	O54.5 (-115)	U54.5 (-115)
Caesar’s	+170	+1100	O54.5 (-117)	U54.5 (-117)

-Jackson “L Boy” Kurtz

GAME(S) OF THE WEEK

This is an obvious instant classic, #ThisLeague is very excited for this week’s Game of The Week. The “Bozo BowL” as some are calling it. The highly anticipated matchup between 0-2 Jack and John. Could this be a preview of the phony bracket?

Good Luck boys

League Transactions